[ When the letter had come through saying that the placement was due for inspection, Yuji knew what he had to do: he had to go back to how things were.
The last week or so had been difficult for Yuji - not because he was uncomfortable, or sad, but because he was trying to be good and maintain his distance at the same time. He no longer slept in Suguru's bed, he no longer kissed him on the cheek or held his hand, and he locked his heart away behind as many caged doors as he could find. Half in love with the dominant already, Yuji knew he couldn't permit himself to take more of this. It would only make it hurt all the more when he was dismissed from Suguru's side.
The problem is that the inspection could make that happen sooner than he was ready for, so when the government official walked in the home, Yuji was on his best behaviour.
He hung off Suguru's arm, he leaned up to smile at him, kissing his cheek, dropped the honorific from his name and called him a doting Suguru, settled on his knees in front of him and rested his head on his leg without hesitation. It was as if the failed scene from before didn't do anything, didn't cause a hiccup in their relationship, and for all that the inspector knew, Yuji was deeply, desperately in love. After she flicked through his case file, it seemed as though she truly approved of the happiness that he was displaying.
(It was believable because it wasn't a lie: because Yuji was happy, was feeling these things desperately, was wanting this from Suguru, he was just denying himself).
If anyone asked her later, she would confess that she had never seen a pair so suited, have never seen someone who had been so abused by a previous dominant take to a new one so happily, never seen someone so in love. Yuji had convinced her because he wasn't lying.
As soon as her car was away from the house, however, and her presence was gone, Yuji slips away from Suguru's body and shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to slip away and head towards his room before he gets himself into trouble for the fine performance he's put on. ]
[ In stark comparison, Suguru spends the next week wildly uncomfortable – and deeply sad, though that acknowledgement remains elusive.
Part of his disdain for their society is the unavoidable undercurrent of coercion that makes his skin crawl; knowing that a submissive is often encouraged to fully disregard their own boundaries for a dominant's orders is disgusting to Suguru. He hates how much is taken from a submissive in their training, how much their very existence is beholden on their dominant. They can’t have a job unless their dominant allows them. Any property is owned by a dominant or through trusts that follow a submissive from one placement to the next. It’s a society built on sacrifice, tradition, and the promise of privilege. And Suguru hates all of it. He can’t remove himself fully, but he can try to make it… less. Instead of imposing his will on a submissive like dominants are (if not encouraged) allowed to do, Suguru crafts his time with submissives by building a mutually beneficial structure that always includes service and protocol but not always sex. None of his other submissives habitually slept in Suguru's bed; none of them spent this many hours in concentrated scenes with Suguru. Some didn't even make it to six months. None stayed longer than the maximum twenty-four weeks..
Not a single damn one of them made Suguru completely forget about his imminent and arbitrary six month deadline. Not one – until Yuji. Suguru didn't even realize that he stopped keeping track around week three of the first month. But he did.
Suguru didn't realize any of this until the second night Yuji declined to sleep in Suguru's bed. The hours left staring at the empty space in his bed, laying in the dark, give him plenty of time to think about what’s so different. He obsesses over trying to understand until his body leaves him no choice but to drift off into uneasy, fitful sleep.
He chooses not to examine the nightmares that chase him that night and every one following. He's chillingly acquainted with dreams of being a teenager again, the sharp and sudden severing of his relationship with Satoru when his birthday designation put Suguru on the same side of the slash. The transition into training as a dominant. The weeks and months learning his government-assigned role.
Something that many found relieving, a privilege, felt like a curse to Suguru. He took to it naturally because he was still suited to leading, flexible in his kinks and talented at wielding power, and Suguru was able to accept his own continued existence under the system. He didn't technically lose his best friend. As long as he continued training, he didn't forfeit his connection to Satoru. Unfortunately, the closer he looked, the darker implications of their entire society came into clear focus. He started to see all the cracks – the corruption, the abuse, the illusion of compassion and agency. It became harder for him to look away, to pretend like placements were the solution to societal turmoil, and it plagued Suguru. His doubts festered in the empty assignments to faceless submissives that Suguru accepted because at least he had to try – for the sake of the submissives who had so little voice of their own, if nothing else.
After Haibara's body was recovered and returned to the training center, Suguru couldn't stomach their world anymore. But what else could he do? He hasn't figured out how to remove himself from the equation of structural exploitation, but he thought he was at least minimizing the damage. He thought it couldn’t be this bad, that the government would never let it get this out of control – but the subsequent sweeping under the rug proves otherwise. For years since, the haunting images of a too-young body on a slab, bruised and beaten and dead, float behind Suguru's eyelids. The frequency varies as time passes, but the less sleep he gets, the more vivid they are.
…Except when Yuji shares his bed. In fact, his flashbacks were almost nonexistent with Yuji curled close like one’s most trusted stuffed creature through the long hours of a peaceful rest. Suguru only notices their absence when the nightmares return every night – but he doesn't see Yu anymore. It's Yuji now. Yuji – drained of all light and life and utterly motionless. No matter how many times Suguru tries to turn away, he's faced with a beloved corpse. He has nowhere to run, nowhere to look but Yuji's closed-off stillness.
Waking up to an empty bed, to be greeted by the chasm left between him and Yuji – Suguru starts to feel untethered.
Of course, he copes the same way that he's survived more than a decade: he shoves it down into the bottle with the rest of his grief and anger and does what's expected of him. In the same way that Yuji retracts, Suguru adapts. He has no desire to force himself onto this or any submissive, and Yuji exercises the agency Suguru has readily granted him – which is what Suguru wants. He wants Yuji to feel safe making choices, and, well, Yuji does exactly that. So Suguru doesn't put himself into Yuji's space, doesn't demand and control, but it makes him start to think he needs to restructure his entire approach. If this change in direction is what Yuji wants, then Suguru should honor that. (It's probably for the best, he's started to reason. He told Yuji, he hates this life. He's spent so long hating it. And he's seen how pure and sweet Yuji is, how good he is, and as twisted as this world may be, Suguru still feels like Yuji deserves someone who can honor that deep submission, not a dominant whose arm has to be twisted for something as simple as "Daddy.")
The letter about the inspection turns Suguru's stomach when he opens it. They aren't given much beyond a perfunctory notification before the government official is knocking on Suguru's front door that very afternoon. He's already decided he's going to do his utmost to present a good front for the inspector (since he doesn't necessarily want Yuji to leave early), but he doesn't have time to confer with Yuji. He’s a little concerned things might go awry, might seem off, but… To his complete shock, Yuji turns up the charm like flipping a switch.
The pair go from barely touching to the perfect picture of a doting dominant and a smitten submissive – because Suguru also slips into his own smiling mask seamlessly without betraying his surprise. Unlike Suguru's usual deceptions, he's just being himself with Yuji, how he was before things screeched to a halt, so it's painfully easy – and he’s too selfish to resist basking in the sunlight of Yuji's adoration like the first break in a perpetually stormy sky.
Once the inspector leaves, after practically gushing over their placement, Yuji turns away from Suguru and the clouds return. Suguru stands numbly where Yuji drops his arm, left blinking in the odd wake of emptiness that feels starker with such a brief reprieve. He watches Yuji retreat, and for the first time all week, Suguru calls after him. ]
What was that? [ It's not sharp or angry – just baffled. So fucking confused. And he's too exhausted from the insomnia and persistent horrors of his dreams to have a filter right now. ]
He remembers when he first received his designation and found out what he was: submissive. It hadn’t seemed like too big a deal for him, but his grandfather had been a little sad. Not disappointed or angry, but sad for him. He’d said something like Yuji being strong, too strong, and that he was a good person, so he’d have to work hard and be the best, to be around people who will help him grow better and stronger. None of that had made sense to him before now, it hadn’t registered in his mind, but he’s starting to get it.
Losing his grandpa had been the first nail in the coffin for Yuji, so to speak.
Being taken from the only home he’d ever had, with a dominant who cared for him and trained him with harsh words but kindness behind it, was startling. He’d spent a few weeks at a proxy foster home for submissive people without families before being transferred to Mahito’s on his sixteenth birthday. It wasn’t unusual for a submissive to go somewhere so young, especially not when they intended the placement to be long term: Yuji seemed to match this man. He was stellar in his training, dutiful and listened to orders well, and at that point Mahito had no red marks against his name. Just a reputation for pushing sometimes, with submissive who could take it.
Yuji could take it.
The next two years of his life were, he thought, happy ones. Mahito pushed him, made him work, trained him with a harsh hand and few tender words, but the things he’d been told in the foster home had reflected that. It was a submissive’s role to support their dominant, to feed into the things that make them happy, to bend the knee and accept whatever policy or kink or play their partner wanted. If Mahito wanted to hurt him, Yuji could take it. If Mahito wanted to scold him, Yuji could handle it. If Mahito wanted to bite or mark or brand or inflict pain or, to the eyes of some, torture him, well. Yuji was a strong boy, wasn’t he? That’s what grandpa had said.
That’s why he’d cried when he’d been taken from Mahito’s home. For the years he was there Yuji had felt a measure of peace, as if he was suited to the torment he’d gone through, as though the marks on his skin were well deserved and justified. It felt as if his tears had become tattoos on his face, and he had been so sure it was right. He’d enjoyed it, sometimes, orgasmed enough to think that it was what he wanted, never thinking too deeply, afraid to face the reality of the nightmare that was his first time with a dominant touching and having him. He had nothing left to give anyone else, no innocence left untaken, no kink not tested.
His file is filled with it. Pages and pages of details and facts. There are photos of him after his removal, bruises on his neck and a broken expression on his face, no relief to be found. Yuji had wanted to be there, had wanted nothing more than to be good enough.
Knowing that isn’t the case with Suguru is what hurts him so much. Knowing that his dominant hates the system and won’t keep anyone around has meant Yuji feels that same numb, empty feeling that had possessed him before he’d been dropped off at the house with nothing but a trash bag of old clothes and his shattered dreams.
If it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, if he can’t make Suguru want him, then what’s the point of trying? Yuji knows he’s good, but he’s broken. He’s damaged. He can’t blame his dominant for deciding not to keep him when he can’t even use a blindfold without crying. He can’t be tied up without needing pauses. He can’t be without touch in case he panics. For someone like Suguru, so good and kind, so skilled at his role, this kind of submissive must be an insult somehow. Maybe they’re sick of him sending them back and wanted to embarrass him a little.
Hearing the words, hearing his dominant call out for him, has Yuji stopping on instinct, not able to heed a question or command without thinking twice about it. He feels so tired all of a sudden, feels as though he’s been torn down, and he doesn’t know what to do other than turn his head and blink up at Suguru, hands clenched in his pockets to hide his ache. His hurt. The way he wants to cry.
They’ll get a glowing review for their inspection, but it doesn’t matter. None of it’s real. None of it will stay with him. Yuji is a good, strong boy, but maybe that means he was made to take pain, not joy. ]
What was what? [ He tilts his head. ] I’ve seen their checklists, Suguru-san. You’d end up in trouble if they thought we weren’t blending, so I wanted to make sure. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.
That... answers more than Suguru expected. He swallows it as bitterly as he does every other part of this life, but he doesn't remember the weight sitting so stubbornly in the pit of his stomach. As much as it stings, he's almost too tired to do more than nod and accept Yuji's explanation.
But apparently his good manners have abandoned him, because he just stares after Yuji, standing in the hall and unable to simply walk away. ]
Then why did you bother? [ If it doesn't mean anything, why put forth the effort? Suguru has long since accepted that he walks a razor-thin line between rejecting their societal expectations and participating, but theirs is not a world meant for shades of grey: people are one thing or the other and their civil obligation is to fulfill that role. ]
If they identified any problems, it wouldn't fall on you. [ Submissives are often thrown under the bus for a dominant's poor behavior, but Suguru's history and his positive briefs on every submissive he's trained have made it abundantly clear that the one common denominator between Suguru and his rotating door of subs is Suguru himself. Some dominants go through people like tissues, using and crumpling them into heaps of discarded trash with almost no consequences; Suguru has his own trail of carnage, but not a single one of them has ever involved a complaint or a negative report.
Things just "didn't work out." Suguru isn't naive enough to think his solution is a permanent one, but he's relied on his close proximity to Satoru and the Gojo family and an otherwise spotless record to keep him out of the line of fire. However, considering this spontaneous inspection, maybe Suguru is finally drawing scrutiny he's shrugged off for so long.
[ Yuji can't look at him. He can barely lift his head, unable to look at the man who has such a tight grip on his still-beating heart. Maybe Suguru wasn't meant to understand this kind of thing, but it's so obvious to Yuji: can't he want to protect the person he thinks he might have fallen in love with? Can't he want to make it so that Suguru is given less of a watchful scrutiny, especially when he dismisses Yuji?
He doesn't like being stared at with that expression, as if Suguru is disappointed in him, or angry at him. It makes him want to lash out - so maybe he does, a little. ]
I'm a damaged submissive. I have boundary issues and - and I don't know how to say no.
[ Breathing out hard, voice snappy - ]
"Itadori Yuji is a viable submissive, but does not understand the nature of a healthy dynamic due to his own ignorance. It is unlikely that he will ever find a suitable long-term pairing due to the damage done in youth, but time may do something to fix his problem. More training will be required in the basics of submission to ensure a viable partnership in future. Poor behaviour will inevitably reflect badly on any arrangement, certainly with Itadori Yuji's natural inclination to submit."
[ It's quite directly from his file. Yeah, he's read it, of course he has, and the words were like daggers. Viable, but broken. Damaged. 'Fix his problem'. He's the issue. No wonder Suguru wouldn't want to try. Nothing in the documentation made Yuji sound like any kind of suitable partner for anyone. Some kind of broken, damaged creature, and his stupidity would make his dominant look back.
He's blinking back tears now, but forcing himself to grit his teeth. ]
If I messed this up, it would ruin things for you, so - that's why. You're going to get a new submissive soon and you don't deserve to be punished because of me.
[ Maybe someday, Yuji will stop surprising Suguru. That day is not, apparently, today.
Struck silent as Yuji speaks, Suguru is left blinking at the boy, turning his words over on repeat. He shouldn't be surprised Yuji read his file, that the assessment carved itself into Yuji's soul like every other demoralization beaten into submissives. Suguru just happens to think it's fucking wrong. Unfair and uncharitable, unable to look past the actions of Mahito to uncover the person beneath and not the service potential.
Suguru shakes his head, adamant. ]
But you deserve that, Yuji? [ Suguru is a grown man with plenty of years under his belt; he's the one in a position of privilege and power, and in his mind, that means every obstacle should be his to shoulder. He saw himself like a stepping stone, a place to pause and recover before continuing on, meant to withstand the turbulent waves once the tide rolls in. Reliable, sturdy, but buried so deeply in the past that the only thing to do is take a step and don't look back.
Eventually, stone will always be worn away. ]
I chose my path, and I knew what that entailed. It's not your responsibility to protect me. [ Even if it seems Suguru has done a poor job ensuring the opposite: he intended to keep Yuji safe, to take care of him, but seeing Yuji like this? It seems clear Suguru wasn't as successful as he hoped to be. ]
And it's not yours to protect me either, or to - to ask me what I deserve.
[ Yuji is shaking now, the hurt bubbling out inside of him. He's in no position to argue, to make demands, is he? He doesn't get a choice. This isn't a relationship, some kind of sweet, teen romance where they can have a happily ever after. He is a responsibility to Suguru, someone that he has to take care of because he would be fined or punished if he didn't.
That's simply how it was: it was just that way.
They're not Gojo-san and Fushiguro. They're not a couple. They're not happy: Yuji can't say he's happy about any of it. As much as he wants to stay with Suguru, he won't do it at the cost of hoping for some kind of true love or happiness in his life.
He still can't look at him, blinking rapidly.
Arms curl around his stomach, and he forces himself to breathe and look away. If the inspector comes back, to make sure this was all real and not some pretence he had been forced to carry out...
Suguru does not want him. Will not claim him. Will not wed nor collar him. In their world, there is nothing Yuji can do about that. He's not the one who decides where he stays or goes. He can't make Suguru love him any more than he can stop himself from feeling it. ]
I'm not really yours, so you can stop with all of that rubbish.
self-aware enough to know he's The Problem, too self-loathing to solve it
[ The urge to wrap his arms around Yuji is almost overpowering. He wants so badly to reach out and pull the boy close, hug him tightly and promise him the fucking world – but he can't.
And Yuji wants him to stop. ]
It's not rubbish. [ Not to Suguru. ] But I can stop.
[ He didn't realize it was this painful for Yuji. He distantly wonders if that's the inevitable outcome of every relationship in his life, hurt and loss, and now, he wonders if maybe it's better that Yuji hates him instead. He should resent Suguru, because Suguru holds all the cards in this scenario – but instead of playing his hand, Suguru's thrown them on the floor, uninterested in picking them back up.
A childish way of refusing to play the game.
Instead of stepping forward and dragging Yuji into a hug the way he wants, Suguru feels glued to the spot. He wishes he could hold Yuji until the trembling passes, until the tears fade again.
But Yuji isn't his. And he wants Suguru to stop.
The bone-deep exhaustion numbs Suguru, the sharp ache in his chest giving way to the yawning emptiness. He doesn't raise his voice or snap back at Yuji; he just sounds weary. ]
My letter of recommendation should amend your file. With my history of returning placements, that shouldn't be much of a surprise, and I'll make sure they know it wasn't based on performance or ability.
More than just viable, you're a wonderful submissive. I doubt you'll have any trouble in your next placement. [ Because that's what Yuji wants, right? ]
[ The words are like a slap around his face, and Yuji winces , turning his head away to stop himself from lashing out all the more.
It's that easy, huh? That simple. He can stop. He'll turn it off. Suguru can dismiss it, just like that, when Yuji is aching with how desperately he wants to be with him, with how much he wants to wrap arms around him and not let go. It's not just the knowledge of safety, that he's met someone who treats him kindly, it's so much more - it's the way Suguru laughs, the soft hand in his hair, the way he buys the brands of food Yuji likes best, the jokes he makes, the crinkles in his eyes when he smiles, the way he smells...
Yuji's crying before he can stop himself, lifting his hand and wiping at his face desperately, feeling like he might throw up. His hand ends up over his mouth, muffling the way he breaks into pieces around the knowledge that it's really over and Suguru does not want him. Does not want to keep him, even for a little longer. As if some stupid letter is going to make Yuji's next placement a good one, when none of them will ever be home like this one was.
Swallowing, knowing he's acting as pathetic as his file makes him seem, he scrapes the sleeve of his sweater over his face and tries to stop himself. Muffling the way he's falling apart, just a little, like Suguru had taken a knife and shoved it right through his chest. ]
Fine. That's fine. I'll go and pack my things, so you can call them right now. You can tell them you're done with me.
[ It's not as if Yuji is done with him, is it? Yuji loves him, Yuji loves him so much. He's acting in a way that would have had his ass black and blue back with Mahito, would've had him tied up naked in a corner and left to rot, until he'd learned to speak back properly to his dominant, but Yuji doesn't care if Suguru punishes him. He doesn't care if he's never spoken to again. Maybe it'd make it hurt that little bit less, to know that he really was a disappointment in the end.
Looking back over at his dominant, he swallows his grief. ]
Fuck you, Suguru-san.
[ And then he's off, storming through the halls of the house to head to his room, to slam the door behind him to the point where it could break. ]
[ Texting Satoru is— helpful. Annoying, like his best friend always is, but it grounds Suguru in the reality of here-and-now – not what-ifs and possible catastrophes. There might be heartbreak if Suguru steps beyond his protective shield and stays with Yuji; there will be a calamity if Suguru doesn't intervene and just lets Yuji vanish back into the system.
He still has to actually go deal with this, which he doesn't really want to do, but after tucking his phone into his pocket, he draws himself up from the couch, trailing after Yuji to the submissive's closed bedroom door.
Instead of letting himself in immediately, Suguru hovers outside, hand raised and poised to knock. He considers walking right in – the dominant thing to do, establishing his ownership of the whole home – but this is Yuji's space, no matter how things feel between them. Politely, he raps his knuckles on the door, calling quietly, ]
[ Yuji falls apart as soon as he is back in his room, staring at his belongings and not knowing where to start.
He's not going to take any of the items Suguru gave him, since they're not really his, not gifts from a dominant for a submissive in his care, but a loan of sorts. He feels as if he's tearing himself apart as he starts to tug his scraps of life from the closet and wardrobe, finding a bag to shove them in between his heart-wrenching sobs. It makes him feel sick, the way it hurts, and he pushes his jeans and his hoodies in hard enough to tear the bag.
That utter failure has him sliding down, curled up beside his bed, shoving his face into his knees as he cries, whimpering noises that he can't stop.
Disappointment, failure, worthless, useless, replaceable, not good enough or strong enough - he couldn't be good enough for a dominant who pushed him to the limits, and he couldn't be good enough for one kind and gentle. Almost twenty and dismissed by two dominants, not able to be up to par for either one. Who's going to want to take him on now?
It's not as if he can leave. Get a job. Find a new place to live. Have his own apartment. All he can do is wait to see what house he's driven up to next, what person wants to claim the scraps of heart that remain inside him.
The knock makes him jump, but he doesn't lift his head from between his knees. He pushes his face harder against it, shivering with his tears, voice too hoarse. Either way, it's a question he can't exactly say no to, not when it's his dominant. He knows his place. ]
[ The silence should be enough of an indicator for Suguru that maybe Yuji isn't in any condition to say yes or no, and it might be best for Suguru to walk away, rather than invade the boy's privacy. But he can't— leave it while Yuji thinks Suguru wants him gone.
He'll just... say what he has to say, and if Yuji still wants to leave, then at least Suguru will know.
Quietly and carefully, Suguru opens Yuji's bedroom door. He takes stock of the belongings strewn about, Yuji's open closet, the ripped bag, before he finally sees Yuji on the floor by the bed. Curled up and trembling, looking painfully small and vulnerable for a boy who could snap Suguru's ropes by flexing hard enough. It fucking aches to see him there. ]
Oh, Yuji...
[ Sighing, Suguru approaches the bed, lowering himself onto the floor near Yuji – but once again, not presuming to touch him, grab him, or force him to look at Suguru. A little awkward, none of their usual easy rapport, but Suguru is determined.
If Yuji tells him to go, Suguru will listen. But if Yuji is willing to grant him the space to speak, Suguru feels so strongly that he needs to. Suguru once again has to resist the urge to gather the submissive into his arms and instantly soothe him, and his fingers nearly tingle with how badly he wants to reach out. ]
You know, I didn't realize how long you've been here. I didn't even realize it was getting close to six months because I stopped counting the weeks ages ago.
[ Which is his fault, as the one with the arbitrary deadline. ]
I usually establish expectations early with my submissives about timelines, but I was so happy with you that I didn't even think about the amount of time passing. I should have been more considerate of you in the first place, so I'm sorry that I caught you by surprise.
But I also should have told you as soon as I knew I wanted you to stay.
[ The silence is deafening, until Suguru slips into the room and he can hear that soft, soft sigh, and it makes Yuji whimper even more, squeezing his fingers into his own clothes, gripping as hard as he can, feeling himself struggling to maintain any semblance of control over himself and his own emotions.
This isn't - he doesn't know what to do. The hopelessness is agonising, not even able to pack his clothes away without causing Suguru some other kind of problem, without making things worse.
Mahito was right. All of his words were right. That's the kind of waste that Yuji was, at heart.
There's no way he can look up as Suguru moves closer, as he settles nearby, almost shifting to turn his body away from the dominant in front of him. This feels somehow worse than safe wording did, feels somehow more agonising, as if all the things he's done wrong in his life have come back to bite him in the ass. It hurts, it aches, he feels awful, miserable with it, but he can't do anything but sink into his sadness.
This is it, then. The final moment. The last goodbye. That's how it sounds.
None of the words Suguru says makes any kind of sense, and he shakes his head, voice muffled by the press into his own clothes, throat thick with his tears. ]
I don't want to hear it. I'm packing. You want me to go, I'll go. You were fine, Suguru-san, the - the best. I didn't...
[ Suguru finally speaks over him, cutting him off as he reaches out to set a hand on top of Yuji's head. Still so soft, still so gentle, not grabbing his hair or trying to correct him. ]
I'm trying to tell you that I don't want you to go. [ Is he not being clear? He can't exactly fault Yuji, after Suguru has been as transparent as concrete with his own feelings, but Suguru is trying to dig into this moment, trying to make himself understood. ]
[ The touch to his head remains grounding, remains something that he longs for so desperately, but for a moment he still can't believe it. It's not until he tilts his head up, face red, and blotchy, and stained with tears, that he realises that what Suguru said to him is real.
... He doesn't want him to go...?
It doesn't feel real, not even a little, and he blinks before he shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes and his face, as if he could erase his sadness. ]
[ Suguru shakes his head as his other hand reaches out, gently brushing away the mess of tears on Yuji's cheeks. ]
I was— [ He sighs, searching for the words. ]
I was being an idiot. [ Also true. ] I was too preoccupied with my personal garbage to get out of my own way.
And... [ This one is harder to admit, if only because he so often doesn't consider this aspect. ] I was protecting my heart by sacrificing yours. I don't... know what it's like to feel this way about someone. [ Not anymore. ] But instead of trying, I avoided acknowledging my own feelings until it... hurt you.
[ Yuji stares at Suguru, completely lost as the other man speaks. His heart is thudding in his chest and when he licks his lips, he can taste the salt of his tears. He doesn’t understand - he can’t fathom what this means. What any of it means.
Suguru has changed his mind… Why does it feel like a trick, somehow? In barely a scrap of an hour…? He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand it at all, too dumb to put the pieces together. ]
Nothing has changed, Suguru-san. I’m still like this, and the world is still like that, so why…? Don’t… Make me feel like this. Not if you’ll take it away.
[ Don’t give him hope then dash it, he thinks, even as he leans into the touch, desperate and wanting. ]
It’s okay to say I’m not good enough for you. I can handle it. I don’t need the rest.
[ It's not surprising that Yuji is so confused – Suguru is, too. He's never experienced this as an adult, never cared enough about someone else to even think about keeping them, and for Yuji to so completely scale his inner walls and make himself at home in Suguru's heart? Suguru had no way to prepare for that, and so he just didn't. But instead of taking the time to piece together his feelings and swallow the threat of rejection – no matter how small it might have been with such a perfect, smitten boy – Suguru rejected Yuji first.
He needs to repair that.
Suguru's palm fits the curve of Yuji's cheek perfectly, and though his touch is soft, his voice is firm. ]
Listen to me and hear me, Yuji. You are and always have been good enough. What you've been through and the dominants in your life have never determined your value – in the same way they could never diminish it, either.
You were always more than good enough for me, Yuji, and I can't do anything but love you for it.
[ Pulling away from Suguru had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and trying to let his heart regain that desperate hope feels like a lot right now. He’s surrounded by the tornado of his own grief as he’d tried to pack things, his chest hurts from crying, but… Suguru is right here. He’s right here and he’s saying all the things that Yuji had been desperate to hear for so long.
He wants to believe in it so much.
Blinking back more tears, Yuji swallows absently before he breathes out a soft nose, eyes wide and gazing on the man in front of him. ]
Suguru… I’ve liked you for a long time now. No, that - hm. I’ve loved you. It’s been weeks.
[ Suguru's nod is emphatic and immediate. No hesitation, no thought needed to confirm that of course, it's okay. ]
Yes. Of course, yes. [ In fact, hearing Yuji say that fills Suguru's chest with an effervescent warmth so powerful, it leaves Suguru breathless. He shifts closer to Yuji, a crooked tilt gracing his lips now – nothing like the performative smiles that keep everyone at a distance. ]
It's hard for me to remember what falling in love feels like, but I think it's something like this. [ And he's trying to remember how this dance works, how to let himself feel it, instead of losing it beneath the shadow of his grief. ]
Is it all right if it takes me time to figure myself out, too? [ Without a deadline or an impending departure. He wouldn't be here with Yuji if he wasn't already sure. ] I know that I want you and I want this, but I'm...
[ It's really okay to feel that way... Yuji's eyes widen as he stares at the man in front of him, still sticky from his tears and his hurt. He doesn't know if he can believe it that easily, but it makes him yearn a little - shifting forward, he swallows, fingers trailing up the length of Geto's arms before he hesitates.
There's what he's allowed, and there's going too far... What's okay? What is he allowed to do?
What are the rules, now that things have shifted? ]
Something like this is enough for me.
[ Leaning in, he smiles softly, cheeks warm despite his cool tears. ]
I'll wait for you, Suguru. As long as it takes, I don't mind. As long as I can stay here with you, I'll be happy.
[ The relief Suguru feels is like a soft blanket wrapped around his shoulders. (He spent so many years determined to never let anyone close enough to lay eyes on the parts of himself he finds objectionable, that he thinks make him ill-suited to loving and being loved. But he's also never met someone who's given him enough of a sense of peace and acceptance that it felt easy just to try.)
There's no more hesitation in Suguru's touch as he reaches out to Yuji, drawing the submissive into his lap and the protective circle of Suguru's broad shoulders, his strong arms. ]
This will be your home as long as you will have it. [ An effortless promise as Suguru bends to kiss away the tears on his sweet boy's face. ]
You will always be safe here, and you will always have a place with me.
[ Leaning in, Yuji nuzzles into him, pressing soft kisses along Suguru's jaw as he lets himself collapse against his body. He trusts Suguru to keep hold of him, to keep him up, to share strength with him, and he feels his cheeks flaring up intensely, too. It's embarrassing, to confess like this, but at the same time... It worked out for him.
Tilting his head up, he smiles softly, their noses brushing against one another. ]
Sorry, Suguru. I'm going to stay here forever now.
[ With Suguru so close... How can he not kiss him? After barely a week of not kissing him at all he had felt bereft, and he slots their mouths together gently. ]
[ Suguru takes Yuji's weight without a second thought, arms winding around his waist and holding him so perfectly close. Kissing Yuji for the first time in a week feels like coming home again, like kicking off his shoes to sink into the familiarity of a beloved space after too long away. Suguru kisses Yuji with all the affection that's bloomed in the months that he's had this submissive at his side, poured into him – but without any domineering claim or punishing edge for the time apart. Sweetly, the way he hasn't kissed anyone in over a decade.
Suguru threads fingers in the short crop of Yuji's darker hair, cradling the curve of his skull to hold the submissive even closer. He doesn't let go of Yuji when they finally part to breathe, and he sighs with pure contentment. ]
I missed hearing you say my name. [ Because Suguru-san isn't the same. ]
Mm... I was trying to keep distance, since I thought...
[ That Suguru didn't want him, since that is what Suguru had implied. What else would he believe?
This is so much better, shifting his hips forward to lean into Suguru, to nuzzle into his skin and sigh with happiness. He's never felt so content, so happy, and he wants to do so many things that his head feels a little fuzzy with it. Burning with warmth, he tilts his head up and presses another kiss to his dominant's mouth.
It all bubbles up without him being able to control it. ]
I love you, Suguru. I love you so much, I'll tell you every day.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
post-inspection.
The last week or so had been difficult for Yuji - not because he was uncomfortable, or sad, but because he was trying to be good and maintain his distance at the same time. He no longer slept in Suguru's bed, he no longer kissed him on the cheek or held his hand, and he locked his heart away behind as many caged doors as he could find. Half in love with the dominant already, Yuji knew he couldn't permit himself to take more of this. It would only make it hurt all the more when he was dismissed from Suguru's side.
The problem is that the inspection could make that happen sooner than he was ready for, so when the government official walked in the home, Yuji was on his best behaviour.
He hung off Suguru's arm, he leaned up to smile at him, kissing his cheek, dropped the honorific from his name and called him a doting Suguru, settled on his knees in front of him and rested his head on his leg without hesitation. It was as if the failed scene from before didn't do anything, didn't cause a hiccup in their relationship, and for all that the inspector knew, Yuji was deeply, desperately in love. After she flicked through his case file, it seemed as though she truly approved of the happiness that he was displaying.
(It was believable because it wasn't a lie: because Yuji was happy, was feeling these things desperately, was wanting this from Suguru, he was just denying himself).
If anyone asked her later, she would confess that she had never seen a pair so suited, have never seen someone who had been so abused by a previous dominant take to a new one so happily, never seen someone so in love. Yuji had convinced her because he wasn't lying.
As soon as her car was away from the house, however, and her presence was gone, Yuji slips away from Suguru's body and shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to slip away and head towards his room before he gets himself into trouble for the fine performance he's put on. ]
gomen for this heckin novel
Part of his disdain for their society is the unavoidable undercurrent of coercion that makes his skin crawl; knowing that a submissive is often encouraged to fully disregard their own boundaries for a dominant's orders is disgusting to Suguru. He hates how much is taken from a submissive in their training, how much their very existence is beholden on their dominant. They can’t have a job unless their dominant allows them. Any property is owned by a dominant or through trusts that follow a submissive from one placement to the next. It’s a society built on sacrifice, tradition, and the promise of privilege. And Suguru hates all of it. He can’t remove himself fully, but he can try to make it… less. Instead of imposing his will on a submissive like dominants are (if not encouraged) allowed to do, Suguru crafts his time with submissives by building a mutually beneficial structure that always includes service and protocol but not always sex. None of his other submissives habitually slept in Suguru's bed; none of them spent this many hours in concentrated scenes with Suguru. Some didn't even make it to six months. None stayed longer than the maximum twenty-four weeks..
Not a single damn one of them made Suguru completely forget about his imminent and arbitrary six month deadline. Not one – until Yuji. Suguru didn't even realize that he stopped keeping track around week three of the first month. But he did.
Suguru didn't realize any of this until the second night Yuji declined to sleep in Suguru's bed. The hours left staring at the empty space in his bed, laying in the dark, give him plenty of time to think about what’s so different. He obsesses over trying to understand until his body leaves him no choice but to drift off into uneasy, fitful sleep.
He chooses not to examine the nightmares that chase him that night and every one following. He's chillingly acquainted with dreams of being a teenager again, the sharp and sudden severing of his relationship with Satoru when his birthday designation put Suguru on the same side of the slash. The transition into training as a dominant. The weeks and months learning his government-assigned role.
Something that many found relieving, a privilege, felt like a curse to Suguru. He took to it naturally because he was still suited to leading, flexible in his kinks and talented at wielding power, and Suguru was able to accept his own continued existence under the system. He didn't technically lose his best friend. As long as he continued training, he didn't forfeit his connection to Satoru. Unfortunately, the closer he looked, the darker implications of their entire society came into clear focus. He started to see all the cracks – the corruption, the abuse, the illusion of compassion and agency. It became harder for him to look away, to pretend like placements were the solution to societal turmoil, and it plagued Suguru. His doubts festered in the empty assignments to faceless submissives that Suguru accepted because at least he had to try – for the sake of the submissives who had so little voice of their own, if nothing else.
After Haibara's body was recovered and returned to the training center, Suguru couldn't stomach their world anymore. But what else could he do? He hasn't figured out how to remove himself from the equation of structural exploitation, but he thought he was at least minimizing the damage. He thought it couldn’t be this bad, that the government would never let it get this out of control – but the subsequent sweeping under the rug proves otherwise. For years since, the haunting images of a too-young body on a slab, bruised and beaten and dead, float behind Suguru's eyelids. The frequency varies as time passes, but the less sleep he gets, the more vivid they are.
…Except when Yuji shares his bed. In fact, his flashbacks were almost nonexistent with Yuji curled close like one’s most trusted stuffed creature through the long hours of a peaceful rest. Suguru only notices their absence when the nightmares return every night – but he doesn't see Yu anymore. It's Yuji now. Yuji – drained of all light and life and utterly motionless. No matter how many times Suguru tries to turn away, he's faced with a beloved corpse. He has nowhere to run, nowhere to look but Yuji's closed-off stillness.
Waking up to an empty bed, to be greeted by the chasm left between him and Yuji – Suguru starts to feel untethered.
Of course, he copes the same way that he's survived more than a decade: he shoves it down into the bottle with the rest of his grief and anger and does what's expected of him. In the same way that Yuji retracts, Suguru adapts. He has no desire to force himself onto this or any submissive, and Yuji exercises the agency Suguru has readily granted him – which is what Suguru wants. He wants Yuji to feel safe making choices, and, well, Yuji does exactly that. So Suguru doesn't put himself into Yuji's space, doesn't demand and control, but it makes him start to think he needs to restructure his entire approach. If this change in direction is what Yuji wants, then Suguru should honor that. (It's probably for the best, he's started to reason. He told Yuji, he hates this life. He's spent so long hating it. And he's seen how pure and sweet Yuji is, how good he is, and as twisted as this world may be, Suguru still feels like Yuji deserves someone who can honor that deep submission, not a dominant whose arm has to be twisted for something as simple as "Daddy.")
The letter about the inspection turns Suguru's stomach when he opens it. They aren't given much beyond a perfunctory notification before the government official is knocking on Suguru's front door that very afternoon. He's already decided he's going to do his utmost to present a good front for the inspector (since he doesn't necessarily want Yuji to leave early), but he doesn't have time to confer with Yuji. He’s a little concerned things might go awry, might seem off, but… To his complete shock, Yuji turns up the charm like flipping a switch.
The pair go from barely touching to the perfect picture of a doting dominant and a smitten submissive – because Suguru also slips into his own smiling mask seamlessly without betraying his surprise. Unlike Suguru's usual deceptions, he's just being himself with Yuji, how he was before things screeched to a halt, so it's painfully easy – and he’s too selfish to resist basking in the sunlight of Yuji's adoration like the first break in a perpetually stormy sky.
Once the inspector leaves, after practically gushing over their placement, Yuji turns away from Suguru and the clouds return. Suguru stands numbly where Yuji drops his arm, left blinking in the odd wake of emptiness that feels starker with such a brief reprieve. He watches Yuji retreat, and for the first time all week, Suguru calls after him. ]
What was that? [ It's not sharp or angry – just baffled. So fucking confused. And he's too exhausted from the insomnia and persistent horrors of his dreams to have a filter right now. ]
damn suguru has a lot of feelings
He remembers when he first received his designation and found out what he was: submissive. It hadn’t seemed like too big a deal for him, but his grandfather had been a little sad. Not disappointed or angry, but sad for him. He’d said something like Yuji being strong, too strong, and that he was a good person, so he’d have to work hard and be the best, to be around people who will help him grow better and stronger. None of that had made sense to him before now, it hadn’t registered in his mind, but he’s starting to get it.
Losing his grandpa had been the first nail in the coffin for Yuji, so to speak.
Being taken from the only home he’d ever had, with a dominant who cared for him and trained him with harsh words but kindness behind it, was startling. He’d spent a few weeks at a proxy foster home for submissive people without families before being transferred to Mahito’s on his sixteenth birthday. It wasn’t unusual for a submissive to go somewhere so young, especially not when they intended the placement to be long term: Yuji seemed to match this man. He was stellar in his training, dutiful and listened to orders well, and at that point Mahito had no red marks against his name. Just a reputation for pushing sometimes, with submissive who could take it.
Yuji could take it.
The next two years of his life were, he thought, happy ones. Mahito pushed him, made him work, trained him with a harsh hand and few tender words, but the things he’d been told in the foster home had reflected that. It was a submissive’s role to support their dominant, to feed into the things that make them happy, to bend the knee and accept whatever policy or kink or play their partner wanted. If Mahito wanted to hurt him, Yuji could take it. If Mahito wanted to scold him, Yuji could handle it. If Mahito wanted to bite or mark or brand or inflict pain or, to the eyes of some, torture him, well. Yuji was a strong boy, wasn’t he? That’s what grandpa had said.
That’s why he’d cried when he’d been taken from Mahito’s home. For the years he was there Yuji had felt a measure of peace, as if he was suited to the torment he’d gone through, as though the marks on his skin were well deserved and justified. It felt as if his tears had become tattoos on his face, and he had been so sure it was right. He’d enjoyed it, sometimes, orgasmed enough to think that it was what he wanted, never thinking too deeply, afraid to face the reality of the nightmare that was his first time with a dominant touching and having him. He had nothing left to give anyone else, no innocence left untaken, no kink not tested.
His file is filled with it. Pages and pages of details and facts. There are photos of him after his removal, bruises on his neck and a broken expression on his face, no relief to be found. Yuji had wanted to be there, had wanted nothing more than to be good enough.
Knowing that isn’t the case with Suguru is what hurts him so much. Knowing that his dominant hates the system and won’t keep anyone around has meant Yuji feels that same numb, empty feeling that had possessed him before he’d been dropped off at the house with nothing but a trash bag of old clothes and his shattered dreams.
If it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, if he can’t make Suguru want him, then what’s the point of trying? Yuji knows he’s good, but he’s broken. He’s damaged. He can’t blame his dominant for deciding not to keep him when he can’t even use a blindfold without crying. He can’t be tied up without needing pauses. He can’t be without touch in case he panics. For someone like Suguru, so good and kind, so skilled at his role, this kind of submissive must be an insult somehow. Maybe they’re sick of him sending them back and wanted to embarrass him a little.
Hearing the words, hearing his dominant call out for him, has Yuji stopping on instinct, not able to heed a question or command without thinking twice about it. He feels so tired all of a sudden, feels as though he’s been torn down, and he doesn’t know what to do other than turn his head and blink up at Suguru, hands clenched in his pockets to hide his ache. His hurt. The way he wants to cry.
They’ll get a glowing review for their inspection, but it doesn’t matter. None of it’s real. None of it will stay with him. Yuji is a good, strong boy, but maybe that means he was made to take pain, not joy. ]
What was what? [ He tilts his head. ] I’ve seen their checklists, Suguru-san. You’d end up in trouble if they thought we weren’t blending, so I wanted to make sure. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.
this man is one big ball of feelings
That... answers more than Suguru expected. He swallows it as bitterly as he does every other part of this life, but he doesn't remember the weight sitting so stubbornly in the pit of his stomach. As much as it stings, he's almost too tired to do more than nod and accept Yuji's explanation.
But apparently his good manners have abandoned him, because he just stares after Yuji, standing in the hall and unable to simply walk away. ]
Then why did you bother? [ If it doesn't mean anything, why put forth the effort? Suguru has long since accepted that he walks a razor-thin line between rejecting their societal expectations and participating, but theirs is not a world meant for shades of grey: people are one thing or the other and their civil obligation is to fulfill that role. ]
If they identified any problems, it wouldn't fall on you. [ Submissives are often thrown under the bus for a dominant's poor behavior, but Suguru's history and his positive briefs on every submissive he's trained have made it abundantly clear that the one common denominator between Suguru and his rotating door of subs is Suguru himself. Some dominants go through people like tissues, using and crumpling them into heaps of discarded trash with almost no consequences; Suguru has his own trail of carnage, but not a single one of them has ever involved a complaint or a negative report.
Things just "didn't work out." Suguru isn't naive enough to think his solution is a permanent one, but he's relied on his close proximity to Satoru and the Gojo family and an otherwise spotless record to keep him out of the line of fire. However, considering this spontaneous inspection, maybe Suguru is finally drawing scrutiny he's shrugged off for so long.
Either way: not Yuji's problem. ]
imagine communicating
[ Yuji can't look at him. He can barely lift his head, unable to look at the man who has such a tight grip on his still-beating heart. Maybe Suguru wasn't meant to understand this kind of thing, but it's so obvious to Yuji: can't he want to protect the person he thinks he might have fallen in love with? Can't he want to make it so that Suguru is given less of a watchful scrutiny, especially when he dismisses Yuji?
He doesn't like being stared at with that expression, as if Suguru is disappointed in him, or angry at him. It makes him want to lash out - so maybe he does, a little. ]
I'm a damaged submissive. I have boundary issues and - and I don't know how to say no.
[ Breathing out hard, voice snappy - ]
"Itadori Yuji is a viable submissive, but does not understand the nature of a healthy dynamic due to his own ignorance. It is unlikely that he will ever find a suitable long-term pairing due to the damage done in youth, but time may do something to fix his problem. More training will be required in the basics of submission to ensure a viable partnership in future. Poor behaviour will inevitably reflect badly on any arrangement, certainly with Itadori Yuji's natural inclination to submit."
[ It's quite directly from his file. Yeah, he's read it, of course he has, and the words were like daggers. Viable, but broken. Damaged. 'Fix his problem'. He's the issue. No wonder Suguru wouldn't want to try. Nothing in the documentation made Yuji sound like any kind of suitable partner for anyone. Some kind of broken, damaged creature, and his stupidity would make his dominant look back.
He's blinking back tears now, but forcing himself to grit his teeth. ]
If I messed this up, it would ruin things for you, so - that's why. You're going to get a new submissive soon and you don't deserve to be punished because of me.
wdym isn't staring into the abyss communication
Struck silent as Yuji speaks, Suguru is left blinking at the boy, turning his words over on repeat. He shouldn't be surprised Yuji read his file, that the assessment carved itself into Yuji's soul like every other demoralization beaten into submissives. Suguru just happens to think it's fucking wrong. Unfair and uncharitable, unable to look past the actions of Mahito to uncover the person beneath and not the service potential.
Suguru shakes his head, adamant. ]
But you deserve that, Yuji? [ Suguru is a grown man with plenty of years under his belt; he's the one in a position of privilege and power, and in his mind, that means every obstacle should be his to shoulder. He saw himself like a stepping stone, a place to pause and recover before continuing on, meant to withstand the turbulent waves once the tide rolls in. Reliable, sturdy, but buried so deeply in the past that the only thing to do is take a step and don't look back.
Eventually, stone will always be worn away. ]
I chose my path, and I knew what that entailed. It's not your responsibility to protect me. [ Even if it seems Suguru has done a poor job ensuring the opposite: he intended to keep Yuji safe, to take care of him, but seeing Yuji like this? It seems clear Suguru wasn't as successful as he hoped to be. ]
sorry about your life suguru
[ Yuji is shaking now, the hurt bubbling out inside of him. He's in no position to argue, to make demands, is he? He doesn't get a choice. This isn't a relationship, some kind of sweet, teen romance where they can have a happily ever after. He is a responsibility to Suguru, someone that he has to take care of because he would be fined or punished if he didn't.
That's simply how it was: it was just that way.
They're not Gojo-san and Fushiguro. They're not a couple. They're not happy: Yuji can't say he's happy about any of it. As much as he wants to stay with Suguru, he won't do it at the cost of hoping for some kind of true love or happiness in his life.
He still can't look at him, blinking rapidly.
Arms curl around his stomach, and he forces himself to breathe and look away. If the inspector comes back, to make sure this was all real and not some pretence he had been forced to carry out...
Suguru does not want him. Will not claim him. Will not wed nor collar him. In their world, there is nothing Yuji can do about that. He's not the one who decides where he stays or goes. He can't make Suguru love him any more than he can stop himself from feeling it. ]
I'm not really yours, so you can stop with all of that rubbish.
self-aware enough to know he's The Problem, too self-loathing to solve it
And Yuji wants him to stop. ]
It's not rubbish. [ Not to Suguru. ] But I can stop.
[ He didn't realize it was this painful for Yuji. He distantly wonders if that's the inevitable outcome of every relationship in his life, hurt and loss, and now, he wonders if maybe it's better that Yuji hates him instead. He should resent Suguru, because Suguru holds all the cards in this scenario – but instead of playing his hand, Suguru's thrown them on the floor, uninterested in picking them back up.
A childish way of refusing to play the game.
Instead of stepping forward and dragging Yuji into a hug the way he wants, Suguru feels glued to the spot. He wishes he could hold Yuji until the trembling passes, until the tears fade again.
But Yuji isn't his. And he wants Suguru to stop.
The bone-deep exhaustion numbs Suguru, the sharp ache in his chest giving way to the yawning emptiness. He doesn't raise his voice or snap back at Yuji; he just sounds weary. ]
My letter of recommendation should amend your file. With my history of returning placements, that shouldn't be much of a surprise, and I'll make sure they know it wasn't based on performance or ability.
More than just viable, you're a wonderful submissive. I doubt you'll have any trouble in your next placement. [ Because that's what Yuji wants, right? ]
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It's that easy, huh? That simple. He can stop. He'll turn it off. Suguru can dismiss it, just like that, when Yuji is aching with how desperately he wants to be with him, with how much he wants to wrap arms around him and not let go. It's not just the knowledge of safety, that he's met someone who treats him kindly, it's so much more - it's the way Suguru laughs, the soft hand in his hair, the way he buys the brands of food Yuji likes best, the jokes he makes, the crinkles in his eyes when he smiles, the way he smells...
Yuji's crying before he can stop himself, lifting his hand and wiping at his face desperately, feeling like he might throw up. His hand ends up over his mouth, muffling the way he breaks into pieces around the knowledge that it's really over and Suguru does not want him. Does not want to keep him, even for a little longer. As if some stupid letter is going to make Yuji's next placement a good one, when none of them will ever be home like this one was.
Swallowing, knowing he's acting as pathetic as his file makes him seem, he scrapes the sleeve of his sweater over his face and tries to stop himself. Muffling the way he's falling apart, just a little, like Suguru had taken a knife and shoved it right through his chest. ]
Fine. That's fine. I'll go and pack my things, so you can call them right now. You can tell them you're done with me.
[ It's not as if Yuji is done with him, is it? Yuji loves him, Yuji loves him so much. He's acting in a way that would have had his ass black and blue back with Mahito, would've had him tied up naked in a corner and left to rot, until he'd learned to speak back properly to his dominant, but Yuji doesn't care if Suguru punishes him. He doesn't care if he's never spoken to again. Maybe it'd make it hurt that little bit less, to know that he really was a disappointment in the end.
Looking back over at his dominant, he swallows his grief. ]
Fuck you, Suguru-san.
[ And then he's off, storming through the halls of the house to head to his room, to slam the door behind him to the point where it could break. ]
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He still has to actually go deal with this, which he doesn't really want to do, but after tucking his phone into his pocket, he draws himself up from the couch, trailing after Yuji to the submissive's closed bedroom door.
Instead of letting himself in immediately, Suguru hovers outside, hand raised and poised to knock. He considers walking right in – the dominant thing to do, establishing his ownership of the whole home – but this is Yuji's space, no matter how things feel between them. Politely, he raps his knuckles on the door, calling quietly, ]
... Yuji? Can we talk?
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He's not going to take any of the items Suguru gave him, since they're not really his, not gifts from a dominant for a submissive in his care, but a loan of sorts. He feels as if he's tearing himself apart as he starts to tug his scraps of life from the closet and wardrobe, finding a bag to shove them in between his heart-wrenching sobs. It makes him feel sick, the way it hurts, and he pushes his jeans and his hoodies in hard enough to tear the bag.
That utter failure has him sliding down, curled up beside his bed, shoving his face into his knees as he cries, whimpering noises that he can't stop.
Disappointment, failure, worthless, useless, replaceable, not good enough or strong enough - he couldn't be good enough for a dominant who pushed him to the limits, and he couldn't be good enough for one kind and gentle. Almost twenty and dismissed by two dominants, not able to be up to par for either one. Who's going to want to take him on now?
It's not as if he can leave. Get a job. Find a new place to live. Have his own apartment. All he can do is wait to see what house he's driven up to next, what person wants to claim the scraps of heart that remain inside him.
The knock makes him jump, but he doesn't lift his head from between his knees. He pushes his face harder against it, shivering with his tears, voice too hoarse. Either way, it's a question he can't exactly say no to, not when it's his dominant. He knows his place. ]
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He'll just... say what he has to say, and if Yuji still wants to leave, then at least Suguru will know.
Quietly and carefully, Suguru opens Yuji's bedroom door. He takes stock of the belongings strewn about, Yuji's open closet, the ripped bag, before he finally sees Yuji on the floor by the bed. Curled up and trembling, looking painfully small and vulnerable for a boy who could snap Suguru's ropes by flexing hard enough. It fucking aches to see him there. ]
Oh, Yuji...
[ Sighing, Suguru approaches the bed, lowering himself onto the floor near Yuji – but once again, not presuming to touch him, grab him, or force him to look at Suguru. A little awkward, none of their usual easy rapport, but Suguru is determined.
If Yuji tells him to go, Suguru will listen. But if Yuji is willing to grant him the space to speak, Suguru feels so strongly that he needs to. Suguru once again has to resist the urge to gather the submissive into his arms and instantly soothe him, and his fingers nearly tingle with how badly he wants to reach out. ]
You know, I didn't realize how long you've been here. I didn't even realize it was getting close to six months because I stopped counting the weeks ages ago.
[ Which is his fault, as the one with the arbitrary deadline. ]
I usually establish expectations early with my submissives about timelines, but I was so happy with you that I didn't even think about the amount of time passing. I should have been more considerate of you in the first place, so I'm sorry that I caught you by surprise.
But I also should have told you as soon as I knew I wanted you to stay.
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This isn't - he doesn't know what to do. The hopelessness is agonising, not even able to pack his clothes away without causing Suguru some other kind of problem, without making things worse.
Mahito was right. All of his words were right. That's the kind of waste that Yuji was, at heart.
There's no way he can look up as Suguru moves closer, as he settles nearby, almost shifting to turn his body away from the dominant in front of him. This feels somehow worse than safe wording did, feels somehow more agonising, as if all the things he's done wrong in his life have come back to bite him in the ass. It hurts, it aches, he feels awful, miserable with it, but he can't do anything but sink into his sadness.
This is it, then. The final moment. The last goodbye. That's how it sounds.
None of the words Suguru says makes any kind of sense, and he shakes his head, voice muffled by the press into his own clothes, throat thick with his tears. ]
I don't want to hear it. I'm packing. You want me to go, I'll go. You were fine, Suguru-san, the - the best. I didn't...
[ He didn't want to fail him.
He doesn't want to go. ]
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[ Suguru finally speaks over him, cutting him off as he reaches out to set a hand on top of Yuji's head. Still so soft, still so gentle, not grabbing his hair or trying to correct him. ]
I'm trying to tell you that I don't want you to go. [ Is he not being clear? He can't exactly fault Yuji, after Suguru has been as transparent as concrete with his own feelings, but Suguru is trying to dig into this moment, trying to make himself understood. ]
I want you to stay, Yuji. Here, with me.
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... He doesn't want him to go...?
It doesn't feel real, not even a little, and he blinks before he shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes and his face, as if he could erase his sadness. ]
But you said... You told me, didn't you?
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I was— [ He sighs, searching for the words. ]
I was being an idiot. [ Also true. ] I was too preoccupied with my personal garbage to get out of my own way.
And... [ This one is harder to admit, if only because he so often doesn't consider this aspect. ] I was protecting my heart by sacrificing yours. I don't... know what it's like to feel this way about someone. [ Not anymore. ] But instead of trying, I avoided acknowledging my own feelings until it... hurt you.
So I'm sorry for that, too.
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Suguru has changed his mind… Why does it feel like a trick, somehow? In barely a scrap of an hour…? He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand it at all, too dumb to put the pieces together. ]
Nothing has changed, Suguru-san. I’m still like this, and the world is still like that, so why…? Don’t… Make me feel like this. Not if you’ll take it away.
[ Don’t give him hope then dash it, he thinks, even as he leans into the touch, desperate and wanting. ]
It’s okay to say I’m not good enough for you. I can handle it. I don’t need the rest.
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He needs to repair that.
Suguru's palm fits the curve of Yuji's cheek perfectly, and though his touch is soft, his voice is firm. ]
Listen to me and hear me, Yuji. You are and always have been good enough. What you've been through and the dominants in your life have never determined your value – in the same way they could never diminish it, either.
You were always more than good enough for me, Yuji, and I can't do anything but love you for it.
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He wants to believe in it so much.
Blinking back more tears, Yuji swallows absently before he breathes out a soft nose, eyes wide and gazing on the man in front of him. ]
Suguru… I’ve liked you for a long time now. No, that - hm. I’ve loved you. It’s been weeks.
[ Leaning into him, seeking him, wanting him… ]
Is… Is it okay? If I feel that way?
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Yes. Of course, yes. [ In fact, hearing Yuji say that fills Suguru's chest with an effervescent warmth so powerful, it leaves Suguru breathless. He shifts closer to Yuji, a crooked tilt gracing his lips now – nothing like the performative smiles that keep everyone at a distance. ]
It's hard for me to remember what falling in love feels like, but I think it's something like this. [ And he's trying to remember how this dance works, how to let himself feel it, instead of losing it beneath the shadow of his grief. ]
Is it all right if it takes me time to figure myself out, too? [ Without a deadline or an impending departure. He wouldn't be here with Yuji if he wasn't already sure. ] I know that I want you and I want this, but I'm...
[ Hmm, how to put this? ]
... my own kind of damaged.
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There's what he's allowed, and there's going too far... What's okay? What is he allowed to do?
What are the rules, now that things have shifted? ]
Something like this is enough for me.
[ Leaning in, he smiles softly, cheeks warm despite his cool tears. ]
I'll wait for you, Suguru. As long as it takes, I don't mind. As long as I can stay here with you, I'll be happy.
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There's no more hesitation in Suguru's touch as he reaches out to Yuji, drawing the submissive into his lap and the protective circle of Suguru's broad shoulders, his strong arms. ]
This will be your home as long as you will have it. [ An effortless promise as Suguru bends to kiss away the tears on his sweet boy's face. ]
You will always be safe here, and you will always have a place with me.
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Tilting his head up, he smiles softly, their noses brushing against one another. ]
Sorry, Suguru. I'm going to stay here forever now.
[ With Suguru so close... How can he not kiss him? After barely a week of not kissing him at all he had felt bereft, and he slots their mouths together gently. ]
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Suguru threads fingers in the short crop of Yuji's darker hair, cradling the curve of his skull to hold the submissive even closer. He doesn't let go of Yuji when they finally part to breathe, and he sighs with pure contentment. ]
I missed hearing you say my name. [ Because Suguru-san isn't the same. ]
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[ That Suguru didn't want him, since that is what Suguru had implied. What else would he believe?
This is so much better, shifting his hips forward to lean into Suguru, to nuzzle into his skin and sigh with happiness. He's never felt so content, so happy, and he wants to do so many things that his head feels a little fuzzy with it. Burning with warmth, he tilts his head up and presses another kiss to his dominant's mouth.
It all bubbles up without him being able to control it. ]
I love you, Suguru. I love you so much, I'll tell you every day.
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