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[ Megumi isn't exactly "enthusiastic" about mandatory socializing. He's a loner by choice, never intentionally seeking out friendships or connections before he came of age to be assigned his role. When that fateful birthday rolled around, he was almost more angry about the annihilation of his ability to be alone than the designation itself. "Dominant" and "Submissive" are just words, and he doesn’t see how he was any different the day before the government deemed him one thing or the day after. He felt the same, and it was stupid to have other people making decisions for him.
But instead of bouncing around from one place to the next because of pure stubbornness, Megumi’s first placement is with Gojo. Megumi made for a sullen, bratty, and very cute fresh sub, and he was prepared to be difficult every step of the way. To his own surprise, the experience was… far easier than the battle he built it up to be in his head.
And now, years later, Megumi calls Gojo “Daddy” and has never had another placement.
Megumi is still not the friendliest person, preferring Gojo’s company or his own over almost anything else, so he’s not thrilled when he’s told that he’s going to meet Geto-san’s new submissive. A little surprised, maybe, because it’s not often Geto has introduced his submissives to his best friend, let alone his best friend’s sub. Similar ages probably means that the dominants assumed Megumi and this “Yuji” guy would naturally get along, which seems presumptive to Megumi. Megumi grouses about not being interested in “babysitting,” in case this is just some weird ploy to pawn a new sub off so he isn’t left alone while Geto does whatever it is he does. But after hearing more about Yuji’s history – not much, but just enough – he’s slightly less vocal about how much he doesn’t want to randomly meet someone. It’s fine, he decides.
He’ll “play nice.” Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
(Megumi points out grumpily that he and Yuji aren’t kids on an arranged playdate, but his protests die pretty quickly after Gojo pulls the Daddy card. Asshole.)
But now, Geto and Gojo fucked off somewhere in the enormous Gojo estate, leaving Megumi with Yuji. Frowning and shifting his weight, Megumi looks appraisingly over at Yuji.
Well. This is awkward. ]
… Wanna play Mario Kart or something?
But instead of bouncing around from one place to the next because of pure stubbornness, Megumi’s first placement is with Gojo. Megumi made for a sullen, bratty, and very cute fresh sub, and he was prepared to be difficult every step of the way. To his own surprise, the experience was… far easier than the battle he built it up to be in his head.
And now, years later, Megumi calls Gojo “Daddy” and has never had another placement.
Megumi is still not the friendliest person, preferring Gojo’s company or his own over almost anything else, so he’s not thrilled when he’s told that he’s going to meet Geto-san’s new submissive. A little surprised, maybe, because it’s not often Geto has introduced his submissives to his best friend, let alone his best friend’s sub. Similar ages probably means that the dominants assumed Megumi and this “Yuji” guy would naturally get along, which seems presumptive to Megumi. Megumi grouses about not being interested in “babysitting,” in case this is just some weird ploy to pawn a new sub off so he isn’t left alone while Geto does whatever it is he does. But after hearing more about Yuji’s history – not much, but just enough – he’s slightly less vocal about how much he doesn’t want to randomly meet someone. It’s fine, he decides.
He’ll “play nice.” Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
(Megumi points out grumpily that he and Yuji aren’t kids on an arranged playdate, but his protests die pretty quickly after Gojo pulls the Daddy card. Asshole.)
But now, Geto and Gojo fucked off somewhere in the enormous Gojo estate, leaving Megumi with Yuji. Frowning and shifting his weight, Megumi looks appraisingly over at Yuji.
Well. This is awkward. ]
… Wanna play Mario Kart or something?
[ Yuji is terrified.
There's something about being taken to see your new dominant's best friend and his submissive that's a little intimidated, and knowing that Gojo-san and Fushiguro-kun have been together for a while might speak to the care they have for each other, it still makes him anxious. Nervous. Mahito took him out, of course, he wasn't locked away all the time, but it was always with the intention of sharing him, of having other people watch or see how good Yuji was at being submissive, a loss of agency he is only beginning to understand.
He doesn't think Suguru would do that to him, but there's still a chill of fear that burns through him until he's left alone with Fushiguro, and then it's just... Awkward. Yuji is stood, feeling like an idiot - because when was the last time he spoke to someone his own age, let alone someone who was also a submissive who might understand? Suguru had asked him to try his best, had said they could go if it was too much, but Yuji was determined to be the best he can in this new environment.
... Gojo-san's house is huge.
Suguru had said that he had shared a little of his past, but not all that much, and that's enough to make Yuji feel a little uncertain as he watches his dominant leave, staring after him longingly before he settles down on the couch, swallowing. The instinct to drop to his knees is still painful, but it's not like Fushiguro is a dominant, and it's not as if he has to follow anyone else's orders, not when Suguru had been so firm on the matter. It's just weird.
Bowing his head, he nods, trying for a smile. ]
Sure! It's been ages since I played, though, so you'll definitely kick my ass.
There's something about being taken to see your new dominant's best friend and his submissive that's a little intimidated, and knowing that Gojo-san and Fushiguro-kun have been together for a while might speak to the care they have for each other, it still makes him anxious. Nervous. Mahito took him out, of course, he wasn't locked away all the time, but it was always with the intention of sharing him, of having other people watch or see how good Yuji was at being submissive, a loss of agency he is only beginning to understand.
He doesn't think Suguru would do that to him, but there's still a chill of fear that burns through him until he's left alone with Fushiguro, and then it's just... Awkward. Yuji is stood, feeling like an idiot - because when was the last time he spoke to someone his own age, let alone someone who was also a submissive who might understand? Suguru had asked him to try his best, had said they could go if it was too much, but Yuji was determined to be the best he can in this new environment.
... Gojo-san's house is huge.
Suguru had said that he had shared a little of his past, but not all that much, and that's enough to make Yuji feel a little uncertain as he watches his dominant leave, staring after him longingly before he settles down on the couch, swallowing. The instinct to drop to his knees is still painful, but it's not like Fushiguro is a dominant, and it's not as if he has to follow anyone else's orders, not when Suguru had been so firm on the matter. It's just weird.
Bowing his head, he nods, trying for a smile. ]
Sure! It's been ages since I played, though, so you'll definitely kick my ass.
[ They had talked about it beforehand.
Yuji had been more clear with Suguru as time had gone on, more open about his limitations - about the difficulty he had with restraint and sensory deprivation, the way it had been used against him in the past. Not in detail (the lack of sight, of speech, his hearing taken from him, hands on his body out of nowhere, leaving him shaking and unsure, not knowing who they belonged to, if he knew them, who was touching him) but enough that his dominant understood, but he also wanted to work through it. Yuji was nothing if not determined, and knowing that these were the sorts of things Suguru liked...
He wanted to try. Suguru had told him he had safe words now, that he was meant to use, so maybe it would be okay. He could stop it, if he needed to, free himself, strong enough to break most of the restraints anyone could use even if he didn't intend to, but that wasn't the point. The point was being good, and Yuji was desperate to prove himself and be good for his new dominant, to play his hand well and show that he could follow instructions.
Each twist of the rope around his body is fine, and much better than the cold of metal over his skin, and Yuji doesn't mind the way his body is shifted, the strain and the gentle pull. This is the kind of thing he can take, what he was excellent at when he was being trained, even if before it had always been cuffs and chain. Suguru is gentle with it, in his own precise and careful way, and Yuji is lulled into a false sense of security, enough that he doesn't even hesitate when the blindfold comes around his eyes.
It's fine, to begin with. He can feel Suguru's hands tracing the shape of his body, along his muscles, and he basks a little in it, letting himself sink into it - until he doesn't, pulled up with a panic that he can't describe.
Suguru's hands disappear from his body and there's silence, even as Yuji strains to hear. It feels as if his heart is going too fast in his chest, as if his lungs are suddenly ten sizes smaller, and he shifts. Arms bound, he can't move to reach up and take the blindfold off, can't do anything, and the rising panic overcomes him - he can't breathe, his eyes damp and wet with the tears sticking to the cotton, and he doesn't know what to do. For a moment, drawn out like an entire silent film, he just lies there, waiting for Suguru to come back, not sure what to do with himself.
Knowing he can say the word doesn't make it easier, not when he had been trying so hard, and his body shifts, jerks, aches, and he swallows a mouth that tastes like something vile, the disappointment and fear rearing its head and making him shiver. He's failed, somehow, he hasn't been good enough, he's so afraid, Suguru is gone and he's alone, and there could be any kind of hands coming back (Suguru would never, it was a limit they'd talked about for now, he wouldn't); anyone could come and touch him (small hands, big hands, on his skin, in his mouth, making him want to cry, but he wasn't allowed) and he can't, bile curling in his stomach.
Suguru is gone, and Yuji whimpers as the word comes out quietly, then louder, too loud to his ears, sensitive from the loss of sight. ]
Red... Red, Suguru, red, please...!
Yuji had been more clear with Suguru as time had gone on, more open about his limitations - about the difficulty he had with restraint and sensory deprivation, the way it had been used against him in the past. Not in detail (the lack of sight, of speech, his hearing taken from him, hands on his body out of nowhere, leaving him shaking and unsure, not knowing who they belonged to, if he knew them, who was touching him) but enough that his dominant understood, but he also wanted to work through it. Yuji was nothing if not determined, and knowing that these were the sorts of things Suguru liked...
He wanted to try. Suguru had told him he had safe words now, that he was meant to use, so maybe it would be okay. He could stop it, if he needed to, free himself, strong enough to break most of the restraints anyone could use even if he didn't intend to, but that wasn't the point. The point was being good, and Yuji was desperate to prove himself and be good for his new dominant, to play his hand well and show that he could follow instructions.
Each twist of the rope around his body is fine, and much better than the cold of metal over his skin, and Yuji doesn't mind the way his body is shifted, the strain and the gentle pull. This is the kind of thing he can take, what he was excellent at when he was being trained, even if before it had always been cuffs and chain. Suguru is gentle with it, in his own precise and careful way, and Yuji is lulled into a false sense of security, enough that he doesn't even hesitate when the blindfold comes around his eyes.
It's fine, to begin with. He can feel Suguru's hands tracing the shape of his body, along his muscles, and he basks a little in it, letting himself sink into it - until he doesn't, pulled up with a panic that he can't describe.
Suguru's hands disappear from his body and there's silence, even as Yuji strains to hear. It feels as if his heart is going too fast in his chest, as if his lungs are suddenly ten sizes smaller, and he shifts. Arms bound, he can't move to reach up and take the blindfold off, can't do anything, and the rising panic overcomes him - he can't breathe, his eyes damp and wet with the tears sticking to the cotton, and he doesn't know what to do. For a moment, drawn out like an entire silent film, he just lies there, waiting for Suguru to come back, not sure what to do with himself.
Knowing he can say the word doesn't make it easier, not when he had been trying so hard, and his body shifts, jerks, aches, and he swallows a mouth that tastes like something vile, the disappointment and fear rearing its head and making him shiver. He's failed, somehow, he hasn't been good enough, he's so afraid, Suguru is gone and he's alone, and there could be any kind of hands coming back (Suguru would never, it was a limit they'd talked about for now, he wouldn't); anyone could come and touch him (small hands, big hands, on his skin, in his mouth, making him want to cry, but he wasn't allowed) and he can't, bile curling in his stomach.
Suguru is gone, and Yuji whimpers as the word comes out quietly, then louder, too loud to his ears, sensitive from the loss of sight. ]
Red... Red, Suguru, red, please...!
[ The combination of the rope and blindfold wasn't something Suguru chose lightly today. Slowly building Yuji's confidence and Suguru's own trust in the sub's ability to communicate if something goes wrong, they've been incorporating more into their play as the weeks wear on. Rope is already a common feature, simply because of Suguru's affinity for it, but he's been diligent with minding Yuji's boundaries, demonstrating that the lines in the sand are worth drawing; Suguru won't step a single toe over until Yuji is ready for something.
So today? They chatted about adding the blindfold. Suguru emphasized that it could both be removed at any time and was not a requirement, but after Yuji insisted he was ready, Suguru caved. (He's trying to be responsible, but he's no saint. If Yuji wants to indulge in one of Suguru's personal favorite kinks, he's not going to fight him on it.)
The start of their scene goes smoothly, as most of their play has. He kisses Yuji on the nose before sliding silk over his eyes, knotting it behind Yuji's head before he starts on the rope. Suguru is firm but gentle with the way he ties Yuji, taking every opportunity to be close to his submissive, to either encourage him to lean against Suguru while he works or pausing for brief nuzzles against Yuji's shoulder or his neck – flickers of affection and intimacy, one of the things he enjoys so much about rigging. He's already learned that Yuji looks gorgeous in his ropes, and he's been experimenting more to cater his ties to Yuji's body specifically, following the lines of his muscles and emphasizing different areas with tension or positioning. He puts all that time and work into getting Yuji's arms secured behind his back when he realizes he's reaching the end of his hank.
Rather than disturb the quiet haze of the scene, he excuses himself near-silently to grab additional rope. He leaves the room for only a few minutes, but he can feel the difference in Yuji's taut body, the fine trembling when he returns. Suguru isn't entirely sure what to make of it yet, since Yuji hasn't used a safeword, and as he kneels back on the floor, preparing to ask for a color, his submissive beats him to it.
He's already back within reach when that plea finally breaks free of Yuji's lips, first barely a croak, then it registers for Suguru.
Fuck.
Suguru's body acts before he can think. The razor-sharp knife he keeps nearby is yanked out of its sheath, and he doesn't hesitate to shred the ropes binding Yuji. The amount of money, the amount of time – none of that matters except getting Yuji free as fast as possible. Every band falls away from Yuji's arms, his chest, his shoulders, and before Suguru drags Yuji close, he pushes the blindfold off the submissive's eyes. ]
Hey. Hey, Yuji. It's all right, you're okay. Just breathe for me. [ Deep breaths as he curls himself around Yuji, drawing him into the circle of Suguru's arms, one hand coming up to brush away Yuji's tears. ]
You did so good. [ No disappointment, no condemnation. ] You did such a good job using your words.
So today? They chatted about adding the blindfold. Suguru emphasized that it could both be removed at any time and was not a requirement, but after Yuji insisted he was ready, Suguru caved. (He's trying to be responsible, but he's no saint. If Yuji wants to indulge in one of Suguru's personal favorite kinks, he's not going to fight him on it.)
The start of their scene goes smoothly, as most of their play has. He kisses Yuji on the nose before sliding silk over his eyes, knotting it behind Yuji's head before he starts on the rope. Suguru is firm but gentle with the way he ties Yuji, taking every opportunity to be close to his submissive, to either encourage him to lean against Suguru while he works or pausing for brief nuzzles against Yuji's shoulder or his neck – flickers of affection and intimacy, one of the things he enjoys so much about rigging. He's already learned that Yuji looks gorgeous in his ropes, and he's been experimenting more to cater his ties to Yuji's body specifically, following the lines of his muscles and emphasizing different areas with tension or positioning. He puts all that time and work into getting Yuji's arms secured behind his back when he realizes he's reaching the end of his hank.
Rather than disturb the quiet haze of the scene, he excuses himself near-silently to grab additional rope. He leaves the room for only a few minutes, but he can feel the difference in Yuji's taut body, the fine trembling when he returns. Suguru isn't entirely sure what to make of it yet, since Yuji hasn't used a safeword, and as he kneels back on the floor, preparing to ask for a color, his submissive beats him to it.
He's already back within reach when that plea finally breaks free of Yuji's lips, first barely a croak, then it registers for Suguru.
Fuck.
Suguru's body acts before he can think. The razor-sharp knife he keeps nearby is yanked out of its sheath, and he doesn't hesitate to shred the ropes binding Yuji. The amount of money, the amount of time – none of that matters except getting Yuji free as fast as possible. Every band falls away from Yuji's arms, his chest, his shoulders, and before Suguru drags Yuji close, he pushes the blindfold off the submissive's eyes. ]
Hey. Hey, Yuji. It's all right, you're okay. Just breathe for me. [ Deep breaths as he curls himself around Yuji, drawing him into the circle of Suguru's arms, one hand coming up to brush away Yuji's tears. ]
You did so good. [ No disappointment, no condemnation. ] You did such a good job using your words.
[ Yuji's body is a mire of emotion, all of it weighing down so that he feels as if he is sinking somewhere deep in it, as if there are hands around his wrists and mouth, suffocating him. It's too much, to the point where he can barely place when one feeling shifts into another: the fear, the doubt, the self-loathing, the disappointment, the shame, knowing that he's ruined something that his dominant enjoys so much. It's not even as if it was a difficult scene to do, a difficult set of kinks - rope and a blindfold.
Those are the basics. Any sub can do that. Anyone could handle it. It rings in his ears, like a mantra, like someone has left his brain ringing like the metallic gongs at the temple on new year. Failure.
Shivering, he only notices his arms are free when they're moving to wrap around Suguru, letting himself sink into the warm body of his dominant, trying to still the shaking of his limbs, the way he seems to shiver with the panic of it. The praise goes in one ear and out the other, unable to focus on it despite the wish to, despite wanting to believe that he could still be considered good after such a disaster of a moment. He could've just said yellow, let Suguru know that he wasn't comfortable, but he'd ruined it all.
His eyes stay squeezed shut, and he shakes his head, flinching away from Suguru's touch - not because it's too much, not because he doesn't want it, but because he doesn't think he deserves it. This is the kind of moment where he would be punished, before, left alone to think about his sins, tied to a radiator or chained to a wall, facing the brick and forced to rethink his actions. He's almost expecting the hand to turn stern, to scold him for his grief.
Suguru isn't the same, but Yuji's fight or flight instincts don't quite understand that he's safe yet.
Sniffing, he reaches out to grip at Suguru's shirt, swallowing back the lump of grief and pheglm that makes him want to lose the contents of his stomach. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Suguru, I ruined it...
Those are the basics. Any sub can do that. Anyone could handle it. It rings in his ears, like a mantra, like someone has left his brain ringing like the metallic gongs at the temple on new year. Failure.
Shivering, he only notices his arms are free when they're moving to wrap around Suguru, letting himself sink into the warm body of his dominant, trying to still the shaking of his limbs, the way he seems to shiver with the panic of it. The praise goes in one ear and out the other, unable to focus on it despite the wish to, despite wanting to believe that he could still be considered good after such a disaster of a moment. He could've just said yellow, let Suguru know that he wasn't comfortable, but he'd ruined it all.
His eyes stay squeezed shut, and he shakes his head, flinching away from Suguru's touch - not because it's too much, not because he doesn't want it, but because he doesn't think he deserves it. This is the kind of moment where he would be punished, before, left alone to think about his sins, tied to a radiator or chained to a wall, facing the brick and forced to rethink his actions. He's almost expecting the hand to turn stern, to scold him for his grief.
Suguru isn't the same, but Yuji's fight or flight instincts don't quite understand that he's safe yet.
Sniffing, he reaches out to grip at Suguru's shirt, swallowing back the lump of grief and pheglm that makes him want to lose the contents of his stomach. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Suguru, I ruined it...
The CPUs are brutal with blue shells, so we might both get fucked.
[ And Megumi will take it easy, if only because it's no fun picking on someone who can't defend themselves – like smoking a dude in a race when he's terrible at Mario Kart.
Going over to his Switch, Megumi turns it on and plucks up two wireless controllers. He brings them to the couch, plopping down next to Yuji but without making any physical contact. ]
Here.
[ He offers the other boy one controller, direct without being forceful. ]
[ And Megumi will take it easy, if only because it's no fun picking on someone who can't defend themselves – like smoking a dude in a race when he's terrible at Mario Kart.
Going over to his Switch, Megumi turns it on and plucks up two wireless controllers. He brings them to the couch, plopping down next to Yuji but without making any physical contact. ]
Here.
[ He offers the other boy one controller, direct without being forceful. ]
[ Suguru gently pursues in the wake of Yuji cringing away from his touch, stroking back his hair, running a hand down the submissive's back in a soothing circle. He can feel Yuji's body waiting for pain, punishment, but Suguru keeps his tone level, his touch consistent and grounding. They'll dissect what happened later, when Yuji is calmer, and he'll ask if Yuji can articulate it then.
Now, Yuji needs help reminding his poor, stressed-out limbic system that he isn't in danger. He's safe with Suguru, here and in any moment that he wants to stop. ]
You didn't ruin anything.
[ Suguru's voice is firm, adamant, but still with the affectionate note of a Daddy offering praise instead of condemnation. ]
You stopped the scene because it was too much. That's exactly what I wanted you to do.
Now, Yuji needs help reminding his poor, stressed-out limbic system that he isn't in danger. He's safe with Suguru, here and in any moment that he wants to stop. ]
You didn't ruin anything.
[ Suguru's voice is firm, adamant, but still with the affectionate note of a Daddy offering praise instead of condemnation. ]
You stopped the scene because it was too much. That's exactly what I wanted you to do.
[ Each gentle touch should be grounding (and it is) but Yuji's panic is too flaring, too desperate, keyed up and uncertain in the wake of his perceived failure. He had to use his safe word, something he has never done before in his life, and the guilt is eating at him, making him burn from the inside out. Isn't this a failure? Whenever he had cried before, it was hand in hand with scolding and anger.
(Even if Suguru has never been like that, the fear burns, bites at him, sickening and agonising, until all he can do is shiver and cry).
The tears stain Suguru's body as Yuji lets himself feel it, rock through it, trying to listen to the soft, comforting words. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't ruin anything. It was too much. He was so afraid, and Suguru doesn't want him to be afraid; he doesn't like Yuji's fear, doesn't drink upon it like ambrosia. Doesn't want him to hurt or suffer (at least, not like that, sexual pain aside).
Nuzzling into Suguru, he grips at him, body still wracked with little shivers. ]
I was... I was scared...
(Even if Suguru has never been like that, the fear burns, bites at him, sickening and agonising, until all he can do is shiver and cry).
The tears stain Suguru's body as Yuji lets himself feel it, rock through it, trying to listen to the soft, comforting words. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't ruin anything. It was too much. He was so afraid, and Suguru doesn't want him to be afraid; he doesn't like Yuji's fear, doesn't drink upon it like ambrosia. Doesn't want him to hurt or suffer (at least, not like that, sexual pain aside).
Nuzzling into Suguru, he grips at him, body still wracked with little shivers. ]
I was... I was scared...
[ Wiggling anxiously, Yuji looks around the room. Instinct has him wanting to drop to sit on the floor, but Suguru hadn't told him he needs to do something like that, so... He tries to focus on what he's doing instead. It's hard, when his nerves feel as if they're on fire, but it makes him prickle a little.
When was the last time he had fun with someone his own age?
Nodding, he reaches and takes the controller, hesitating for a moment. His life has really been abnormal in comparison to that of other submissives, hasn't it? He can't even remember letting himself enjoy something as simple as a game. He didn't even have a phone until he moved in with Suguru.
Blinking, he stares at the television for a moment. ]
I'll need a reminder of the controls.
When was the last time he had fun with someone his own age?
Nodding, he reaches and takes the controller, hesitating for a moment. His life has really been abnormal in comparison to that of other submissives, hasn't it? He can't even remember letting himself enjoy something as simple as a game. He didn't even have a phone until he moved in with Suguru.
Blinking, he stares at the television for a moment. ]
I'll need a reminder of the controls.
[ Suguru is perfectly ready to let Yuji free if the physical touch is more upsetting than comforting; even though Yuji trembles and hiccups in desperate breaths, it doesn’t seem that he’s trying to scramble away. Fingers keep combing through Yuji’s sweat-damp hair, absent nuzzles accompanying the kisses Suguru presses to the top of the submissive’s head. He isn’t offended by the response, either; it would seem disproportionate to the activities themselves, but to anyone looking one step past the surface, the background noise of trauma screams at a riotous din.
Suguru gets it. He knows what this looks like. ]
And you did so well trying anyway. [ Because he knows Yuji was still scared, even before it went from acceptable to overwhelming. Somewhere along the way, Suguru uncovered a hair-trigger he was unaware existed – and one to which he’s sure Yuji was perfectly oblivious. This was a limit that Yuji wanted to test, and they found the first threshold for his tolerance.
That is success, in Suguru’s mind. ]
You’re safe now, Yuji. You did as you were told, and I’m proud of you for that.
Just take some slow, deep breaths for me.
Suguru gets it. He knows what this looks like. ]
And you did so well trying anyway. [ Because he knows Yuji was still scared, even before it went from acceptable to overwhelming. Somewhere along the way, Suguru uncovered a hair-trigger he was unaware existed – and one to which he’s sure Yuji was perfectly oblivious. This was a limit that Yuji wanted to test, and they found the first threshold for his tolerance.
That is success, in Suguru’s mind. ]
You’re safe now, Yuji. You did as you were told, and I’m proud of you for that.
Just take some slow, deep breaths for me.
[ It takes a little while for Yuji to manage to focus his breathing, to calm enough to recognise that he needs to, breathing in deep and letting it out slowly. It's an agonising wait, coming down from the height of fear and anxiety, and the time ticks by as he lets himself rest in Suguru's arms, feeling his soft kisses and the tender fingers running through his hair.
It's soothing, tender, and after what feels like an eternity (but is more like half an hour), he manages to lean back and blink up at him.
He still feels awful, but it feels better than it did.
Slowly, he lifts a shaky hand to touch Suguru's cheek gently, thumb pressing into the shape of the bone under his eye, lost in it for a moment.
It's still a little hard to speak, and he swallows. ]
... I...
[ He doesn't know what to say. ]
It's soothing, tender, and after what feels like an eternity (but is more like half an hour), he manages to lean back and blink up at him.
He still feels awful, but it feels better than it did.
Slowly, he lifts a shaky hand to touch Suguru's cheek gently, thumb pressing into the shape of the bone under his eye, lost in it for a moment.
It's still a little hard to speak, and he swallows. ]
... I...
[ He doesn't know what to say. ]
[ Time ticks along, and Suguru's demeanor remains a constant steadiness, no matter how long Yuji takes to return to himself. When the submissive is finally leaning away, Suguru meets his gaze with a soft smile, one hand coming up to cover Yuji's on his face. (Yuji's fingers look so much smaller under Suguru's.) ]
Welcome back.
[ He leans in, brushing a kiss over Yuji's forehead. ]
How are you feeling?
Welcome back.
[ He leans in, brushing a kiss over Yuji's forehead. ]
How are you feeling?
[ A good answer. About what Suguru expected, too. ]
Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.
[ Glad that this is a first time, an outlier. ]
Can you tell me when it went from tolerable to overwhelming? [ He keeps his tone gentle, his touch consistent to make it clear Yuji isn't in trouble. ] You seemed to be doing fine for a while, but something changed?
Unless you were feeling that uncomfortable the entire time, which may have been my misreading, then. [ Suguru would have stopped earlier or just changed gears entirely if Yuji seemed like he was about to shake apart over the blindfold. ]
Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.
[ Glad that this is a first time, an outlier. ]
Can you tell me when it went from tolerable to overwhelming? [ He keeps his tone gentle, his touch consistent to make it clear Yuji isn't in trouble. ] You seemed to be doing fine for a while, but something changed?
Unless you were feeling that uncomfortable the entire time, which may have been my misreading, then. [ Suguru would have stopped earlier or just changed gears entirely if Yuji seemed like he was about to shake apart over the blindfold. ]
No, it really was okay at first!
[ Quick to Suguru's defence, as he ever will be. ]
I was nervous about the blindfold, so I was already a little worried, so I guess...
[ He frowns, swallowing, trying to find the right words. ]
I didn't mind it as long as I could feel you nearby. When... It was when you were gone, and I couldn't feel you, and all I could think about was what happened before.
[ This might be the moment where he is prompted for that information, because he has been largely reticent to discuss it, knowing Suguru's distaste for it (misinterpreting his anger as disgust). ]
[ Quick to Suguru's defence, as he ever will be. ]
I was nervous about the blindfold, so I was already a little worried, so I guess...
[ He frowns, swallowing, trying to find the right words. ]
I didn't mind it as long as I could feel you nearby. When... It was when you were gone, and I couldn't feel you, and all I could think about was what happened before.
[ This might be the moment where he is prompted for that information, because he has been largely reticent to discuss it, knowing Suguru's distaste for it (misinterpreting his anger as disgust). ]
[ This is important information that Suguru squirrels away. As long as his presence was detectable, Yuji could continue to remain present and secure in the scene. Hmm. Suguru will remember this for later, but he's less focused on figuring out next time, more so on the other tidbit Yuji shared.
Suguru has struggled to fully discern Yuji's reaction to talking about his past – reluctant because of a desire to avoid it? Embarrassment? Shame? He's still trying to find the best way to ask for more, but if ever there was a time...
Stroking his fingers down the nape of Yuji's neck, he eventually chooses his approach. ]
Do you want to tell me about what happened before, Yuji? This isn't an order or a demand, but I would like to hear it, if you think you can share.
Suguru has struggled to fully discern Yuji's reaction to talking about his past – reluctant because of a desire to avoid it? Embarrassment? Shame? He's still trying to find the best way to ask for more, but if ever there was a time...
Stroking his fingers down the nape of Yuji's neck, he eventually chooses his approach. ]
Do you want to tell me about what happened before, Yuji? This isn't an order or a demand, but I would like to hear it, if you think you can share.
[ Does he want to tell him what happened? Not really.
Does he think it would be a good idea, for his future safety? Probably.
Does that make it easier? No.
Yuji breathes out softly, nervous even with the gentle comfort of fingers. Suguru isn't going to judge him, or hurt him, he's learned that; he trusts this man completely, with his entire heart, with his body, and it makes his skin prickle. The only problem is his anger, his upset, and Yuji... He doesn't want to see that. He also doesn't want to be sent away.
For a submissive as well-trained as he is, Yuji's aware he's a little broken. A little damaged. ]
Before, it... We'd go out, to clubs, or houses with his other dominant friends, and there would... I'd be cuffed, or chained up, always with metal. And I'd get blindfolded, and sometimes my ears would be covered, so couldn't... Tell.
[ So he didn't know who was touching him, who had a mouth or hand or cock near him, and the reminder has him shivering a little. ]
I only wanted to be with him, since I... I thought I loved him, but I didn't know. If it was him, or someone else. And I know, I knew you'd come back, but... I just got scared.
Does he think it would be a good idea, for his future safety? Probably.
Does that make it easier? No.
Yuji breathes out softly, nervous even with the gentle comfort of fingers. Suguru isn't going to judge him, or hurt him, he's learned that; he trusts this man completely, with his entire heart, with his body, and it makes his skin prickle. The only problem is his anger, his upset, and Yuji... He doesn't want to see that. He also doesn't want to be sent away.
For a submissive as well-trained as he is, Yuji's aware he's a little broken. A little damaged. ]
Before, it... We'd go out, to clubs, or houses with his other dominant friends, and there would... I'd be cuffed, or chained up, always with metal. And I'd get blindfolded, and sometimes my ears would be covered, so couldn't... Tell.
[ So he didn't know who was touching him, who had a mouth or hand or cock near him, and the reminder has him shivering a little. ]
I only wanted to be with him, since I... I thought I loved him, but I didn't know. If it was him, or someone else. And I know, I knew you'd come back, but... I just got scared.
[ Suguru keeps his response in check, because the emotions that swell in him as Yuji speaks have nothing to do with the submissive in his arms. Yuji is not responsible for soothing Suguru's rage or mitigating how he reacts to this new information.
(He isn't angry at Yuji, by any stretch of the imagination. He just wants to wring Mahito's neck – and the neck of anyone who participated knowing, looking on and doing nothing.)
He listens without tensing, without stopping the constant petting and gentle affection. ]
I'm sorry that happened to you, Yuji. [ Suguru reaches up to cradle Yuji's face in his palm, resting their foreheads together. ]
You'll never be put in a situation like that again, I promise you. [ Never with Suguru. ] But I can see how your body could easily associate being left alone now with what happened before – our brains do that, sometimes, when something overwhelming happens to us.
[ He tries to keep his language neutral, to keep his tone empathetic. He can tell Satoru about this later and be furious then. ]
I'm glad you used your safeword when you hit your limit. I rely on you to communicate your needs with me, because I think they're just as important as my own, if not more so.
(He isn't angry at Yuji, by any stretch of the imagination. He just wants to wring Mahito's neck – and the neck of anyone who participated knowing, looking on and doing nothing.)
He listens without tensing, without stopping the constant petting and gentle affection. ]
I'm sorry that happened to you, Yuji. [ Suguru reaches up to cradle Yuji's face in his palm, resting their foreheads together. ]
You'll never be put in a situation like that again, I promise you. [ Never with Suguru. ] But I can see how your body could easily associate being left alone now with what happened before – our brains do that, sometimes, when something overwhelming happens to us.
[ He tries to keep his language neutral, to keep his tone empathetic. He can tell Satoru about this later and be furious then. ]
I'm glad you used your safeword when you hit your limit. I rely on you to communicate your needs with me, because I think they're just as important as my own, if not more so.
[ It was all a game to them, before, as if Yuji didn't really matter. He doesn't know for sure if Mahito really did share him, or if it was all just part of the 'tease', but either way... It's not as if he ever said no. He never said anything about not liking it (because he wasn't aware he was allowed to say that sort of thing).
He ends up leaning in to Suguru, curling around him, wiggling to press into his chest and rest there, gathering himself as best he can. ]
It's okay. I'm here now.
[ Safe, isn't he?
And Yuji believes him. Even if he goes to Gojo-san's house, Suguru won't share with him. He won't have to touch anyone else, see anyone else, be around anyone else, not if he doesn't want to. And... He said his safe word and Suguru stopped. Isn't that a miracle in itself?
Blinking back more tears, he breathes out, forcing himself to calm down. ]
I get that you want me to, but... You were enjoying it. I could've kept going, maybe... Maybe it was too early? I keep thinking that.
He ends up leaning in to Suguru, curling around him, wiggling to press into his chest and rest there, gathering himself as best he can. ]
It's okay. I'm here now.
[ Safe, isn't he?
And Yuji believes him. Even if he goes to Gojo-san's house, Suguru won't share with him. He won't have to touch anyone else, see anyone else, be around anyone else, not if he doesn't want to. And... He said his safe word and Suguru stopped. Isn't that a miracle in itself?
Blinking back more tears, he breathes out, forcing himself to calm down. ]
I get that you want me to, but... You were enjoying it. I could've kept going, maybe... Maybe it was too early? I keep thinking that.
In my mind, we'll have plenty of opportunities to do this again. Stopping early is better than powering through and no longer enjoying the scene.
[ Suguru shrugs as he rests his chin on top of Yuji's head. ]
I value what you take away from our play, and I would rather a scene that allows us both to have fun.
[ Fun and pleasure and intimacy. And Suguru also says "us," because he thinks both of them should be enthusiastically participating, not grinning and bearing it. ]
[ Suguru shrugs as he rests his chin on top of Yuji's head. ]
I value what you take away from our play, and I would rather a scene that allows us both to have fun.
[ Fun and pleasure and intimacy. And Suguru also says "us," because he thinks both of them should be enthusiastically participating, not grinning and bearing it. ]
I know. I know how you feel about these things, you've made that clear.
[ In case he thinks Yuji doesn't understand that Suguru actually wants his lovers - his partners - to enjoy their time together. He gets it. ]
I just... I want to be good enough. For you.
[ In case he thinks Yuji doesn't understand that Suguru actually wants his lovers - his partners - to enjoy their time together. He gets it. ]
I just... I want to be good enough. For you.
[ Suguru distantly realizes he probably sounds like a broken record – but perhaps it’s his own engrained defense mechanisms presenting themselves. He can’t share his real feelings with Yuji about the situation or drop the mask of a dominant, so he falls back on the mantras that make this life palatable. He’s such a knotted ball of anger and resentment just beneath the surface of his survival, and he can’t break free of it; he can only contain it. ]
“Good enough” isn’t a measurement of a person, Yuji. [ There is no “good enough,” just a submissive who doesn’t make Suguru want to claw his own face off. Or, well, that’s what Suguru used to think, but… he’s been enjoying this time with Yuji in a genuine way he hasn’t before. ]
Have I done anything that would lead you to believe I don’t think you’re good enough for me? [ Or has he communicated a sense of disappointment or failure? ]
“Good enough” isn’t a measurement of a person, Yuji. [ There is no “good enough,” just a submissive who doesn’t make Suguru want to claw his own face off. Or, well, that’s what Suguru used to think, but… he’s been enjoying this time with Yuji in a genuine way he hasn’t before. ]
Have I done anything that would lead you to believe I don’t think you’re good enough for me? [ Or has he communicated a sense of disappointment or failure? ]
... No?
[ Yuji shifts awkwardly. The idea that Suguru might now be doubting himself makes him hesitate, and then he tilts up, leaning in to press their mouths together - soft and careful. It's not even overtly sexual, more tender and romantic, wanting that kiss and that warmth to keep him anchored. ]
I can't help thinking it, even when I know it might not be true. That it's not what you think. It's what... I'm used to.
[ Touching their foreheads together, he sighs. ]
I... I don't want you to send me away, Suguru.
[ Yuji shifts awkwardly. The idea that Suguru might now be doubting himself makes him hesitate, and then he tilts up, leaning in to press their mouths together - soft and careful. It's not even overtly sexual, more tender and romantic, wanting that kiss and that warmth to keep him anchored. ]
I can't help thinking it, even when I know it might not be true. That it's not what you think. It's what... I'm used to.
[ Touching their foreheads together, he sighs. ]
I... I don't want you to send me away, Suguru.
[ ... Ah.
Quite the valid fear, Suguru will admit. His history with submissives doesn't paint an optimistic picture for Yuji and his potential of a permanent home. With less traumatic placements, Suguru has had an easier time articulating the temporary nature of their assignments. Less meaningful submissives. Less intimate connections.
But with Yuji, he hasn't been building towards an intentional end date. He hasn't been staring at the light at the end of the tunnel of obligation that promises life outside the shackles of an oppressive system. Suguru isn't zeroed-in on Yuji's inevitable exit; he's instead content to build on whatever... this is between them.
Not his usual approach.
On the other hand, Suguru feels like he's misleading Yuji. He doesn't think his inherent loathing for their societal roles will allow permanence in his usual masks that help him make peace with reality. That's not fair to Yuji, who deserves someone less preoccupied with his own roiling emotion. Yuji has been through enough unstable men for a lifetime, and Suguru is self-aware to know that he's not a solid choice.
Sighing, Suguru leans his forehead against Yuji's, choosing his next words carefully. Yuji isn't in a space to have this conversation, by Suguru's measure; not after such an abrupt ending, all the emotional turmoil and physical toll on Yuji's body. He should keep this as grounded as possible, but he doesn't want to leave Yuji feeling like his imminent failure is a factor in Suguru's decision-making.
So instead of an immediate reassurance or an immediate guarantee – because either feels unfair – Suguru offers instead, ]
Yuji, do you think I've had so many submissives because there's been something lacking in all of them?
Quite the valid fear, Suguru will admit. His history with submissives doesn't paint an optimistic picture for Yuji and his potential of a permanent home. With less traumatic placements, Suguru has had an easier time articulating the temporary nature of their assignments. Less meaningful submissives. Less intimate connections.
But with Yuji, he hasn't been building towards an intentional end date. He hasn't been staring at the light at the end of the tunnel of obligation that promises life outside the shackles of an oppressive system. Suguru isn't zeroed-in on Yuji's inevitable exit; he's instead content to build on whatever... this is between them.
Not his usual approach.
On the other hand, Suguru feels like he's misleading Yuji. He doesn't think his inherent loathing for their societal roles will allow permanence in his usual masks that help him make peace with reality. That's not fair to Yuji, who deserves someone less preoccupied with his own roiling emotion. Yuji has been through enough unstable men for a lifetime, and Suguru is self-aware to know that he's not a solid choice.
Sighing, Suguru leans his forehead against Yuji's, choosing his next words carefully. Yuji isn't in a space to have this conversation, by Suguru's measure; not after such an abrupt ending, all the emotional turmoil and physical toll on Yuji's body. He should keep this as grounded as possible, but he doesn't want to leave Yuji feeling like his imminent failure is a factor in Suguru's decision-making.
So instead of an immediate reassurance or an immediate guarantee – because either feels unfair – Suguru offers instead, ]
Yuji, do you think I've had so many submissives because there's been something lacking in all of them?
[ It's not exactly the response Yuji was expecting.
Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
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