[ Yuji can't look at him. He can barely lift his head, unable to look at the man who has such a tight grip on his still-beating heart. Maybe Suguru wasn't meant to understand this kind of thing, but it's so obvious to Yuji: can't he want to protect the person he thinks he might have fallen in love with? Can't he want to make it so that Suguru is given less of a watchful scrutiny, especially when he dismisses Yuji?
He doesn't like being stared at with that expression, as if Suguru is disappointed in him, or angry at him. It makes him want to lash out - so maybe he does, a little. ]
I'm a damaged submissive. I have boundary issues and - and I don't know how to say no.
[ Breathing out hard, voice snappy - ]
"Itadori Yuji is a viable submissive, but does not understand the nature of a healthy dynamic due to his own ignorance. It is unlikely that he will ever find a suitable long-term pairing due to the damage done in youth, but time may do something to fix his problem. More training will be required in the basics of submission to ensure a viable partnership in future. Poor behaviour will inevitably reflect badly on any arrangement, certainly with Itadori Yuji's natural inclination to submit."
[ It's quite directly from his file. Yeah, he's read it, of course he has, and the words were like daggers. Viable, but broken. Damaged. 'Fix his problem'. He's the issue. No wonder Suguru wouldn't want to try. Nothing in the documentation made Yuji sound like any kind of suitable partner for anyone. Some kind of broken, damaged creature, and his stupidity would make his dominant look back.
He's blinking back tears now, but forcing himself to grit his teeth. ]
If I messed this up, it would ruin things for you, so - that's why. You're going to get a new submissive soon and you don't deserve to be punished because of me.
[ Maybe someday, Yuji will stop surprising Suguru. That day is not, apparently, today.
Struck silent as Yuji speaks, Suguru is left blinking at the boy, turning his words over on repeat. He shouldn't be surprised Yuji read his file, that the assessment carved itself into Yuji's soul like every other demoralization beaten into submissives. Suguru just happens to think it's fucking wrong. Unfair and uncharitable, unable to look past the actions of Mahito to uncover the person beneath and not the service potential.
Suguru shakes his head, adamant. ]
But you deserve that, Yuji? [ Suguru is a grown man with plenty of years under his belt; he's the one in a position of privilege and power, and in his mind, that means every obstacle should be his to shoulder. He saw himself like a stepping stone, a place to pause and recover before continuing on, meant to withstand the turbulent waves once the tide rolls in. Reliable, sturdy, but buried so deeply in the past that the only thing to do is take a step and don't look back.
Eventually, stone will always be worn away. ]
I chose my path, and I knew what that entailed. It's not your responsibility to protect me. [ Even if it seems Suguru has done a poor job ensuring the opposite: he intended to keep Yuji safe, to take care of him, but seeing Yuji like this? It seems clear Suguru wasn't as successful as he hoped to be. ]
And it's not yours to protect me either, or to - to ask me what I deserve.
[ Yuji is shaking now, the hurt bubbling out inside of him. He's in no position to argue, to make demands, is he? He doesn't get a choice. This isn't a relationship, some kind of sweet, teen romance where they can have a happily ever after. He is a responsibility to Suguru, someone that he has to take care of because he would be fined or punished if he didn't.
That's simply how it was: it was just that way.
They're not Gojo-san and Fushiguro. They're not a couple. They're not happy: Yuji can't say he's happy about any of it. As much as he wants to stay with Suguru, he won't do it at the cost of hoping for some kind of true love or happiness in his life.
He still can't look at him, blinking rapidly.
Arms curl around his stomach, and he forces himself to breathe and look away. If the inspector comes back, to make sure this was all real and not some pretence he had been forced to carry out...
Suguru does not want him. Will not claim him. Will not wed nor collar him. In their world, there is nothing Yuji can do about that. He's not the one who decides where he stays or goes. He can't make Suguru love him any more than he can stop himself from feeling it. ]
I'm not really yours, so you can stop with all of that rubbish.
self-aware enough to know he's The Problem, too self-loathing to solve it
[ The urge to wrap his arms around Yuji is almost overpowering. He wants so badly to reach out and pull the boy close, hug him tightly and promise him the fucking world – but he can't.
And Yuji wants him to stop. ]
It's not rubbish. [ Not to Suguru. ] But I can stop.
[ He didn't realize it was this painful for Yuji. He distantly wonders if that's the inevitable outcome of every relationship in his life, hurt and loss, and now, he wonders if maybe it's better that Yuji hates him instead. He should resent Suguru, because Suguru holds all the cards in this scenario – but instead of playing his hand, Suguru's thrown them on the floor, uninterested in picking them back up.
A childish way of refusing to play the game.
Instead of stepping forward and dragging Yuji into a hug the way he wants, Suguru feels glued to the spot. He wishes he could hold Yuji until the trembling passes, until the tears fade again.
But Yuji isn't his. And he wants Suguru to stop.
The bone-deep exhaustion numbs Suguru, the sharp ache in his chest giving way to the yawning emptiness. He doesn't raise his voice or snap back at Yuji; he just sounds weary. ]
My letter of recommendation should amend your file. With my history of returning placements, that shouldn't be much of a surprise, and I'll make sure they know it wasn't based on performance or ability.
More than just viable, you're a wonderful submissive. I doubt you'll have any trouble in your next placement. [ Because that's what Yuji wants, right? ]
[ The words are like a slap around his face, and Yuji winces , turning his head away to stop himself from lashing out all the more.
It's that easy, huh? That simple. He can stop. He'll turn it off. Suguru can dismiss it, just like that, when Yuji is aching with how desperately he wants to be with him, with how much he wants to wrap arms around him and not let go. It's not just the knowledge of safety, that he's met someone who treats him kindly, it's so much more - it's the way Suguru laughs, the soft hand in his hair, the way he buys the brands of food Yuji likes best, the jokes he makes, the crinkles in his eyes when he smiles, the way he smells...
Yuji's crying before he can stop himself, lifting his hand and wiping at his face desperately, feeling like he might throw up. His hand ends up over his mouth, muffling the way he breaks into pieces around the knowledge that it's really over and Suguru does not want him. Does not want to keep him, even for a little longer. As if some stupid letter is going to make Yuji's next placement a good one, when none of them will ever be home like this one was.
Swallowing, knowing he's acting as pathetic as his file makes him seem, he scrapes the sleeve of his sweater over his face and tries to stop himself. Muffling the way he's falling apart, just a little, like Suguru had taken a knife and shoved it right through his chest. ]
Fine. That's fine. I'll go and pack my things, so you can call them right now. You can tell them you're done with me.
[ It's not as if Yuji is done with him, is it? Yuji loves him, Yuji loves him so much. He's acting in a way that would have had his ass black and blue back with Mahito, would've had him tied up naked in a corner and left to rot, until he'd learned to speak back properly to his dominant, but Yuji doesn't care if Suguru punishes him. He doesn't care if he's never spoken to again. Maybe it'd make it hurt that little bit less, to know that he really was a disappointment in the end.
Looking back over at his dominant, he swallows his grief. ]
Fuck you, Suguru-san.
[ And then he's off, storming through the halls of the house to head to his room, to slam the door behind him to the point where it could break. ]
[ Texting Satoru is— helpful. Annoying, like his best friend always is, but it grounds Suguru in the reality of here-and-now – not what-ifs and possible catastrophes. There might be heartbreak if Suguru steps beyond his protective shield and stays with Yuji; there will be a calamity if Suguru doesn't intervene and just lets Yuji vanish back into the system.
He still has to actually go deal with this, which he doesn't really want to do, but after tucking his phone into his pocket, he draws himself up from the couch, trailing after Yuji to the submissive's closed bedroom door.
Instead of letting himself in immediately, Suguru hovers outside, hand raised and poised to knock. He considers walking right in – the dominant thing to do, establishing his ownership of the whole home – but this is Yuji's space, no matter how things feel between them. Politely, he raps his knuckles on the door, calling quietly, ]
[ Yuji falls apart as soon as he is back in his room, staring at his belongings and not knowing where to start.
He's not going to take any of the items Suguru gave him, since they're not really his, not gifts from a dominant for a submissive in his care, but a loan of sorts. He feels as if he's tearing himself apart as he starts to tug his scraps of life from the closet and wardrobe, finding a bag to shove them in between his heart-wrenching sobs. It makes him feel sick, the way it hurts, and he pushes his jeans and his hoodies in hard enough to tear the bag.
That utter failure has him sliding down, curled up beside his bed, shoving his face into his knees as he cries, whimpering noises that he can't stop.
Disappointment, failure, worthless, useless, replaceable, not good enough or strong enough - he couldn't be good enough for a dominant who pushed him to the limits, and he couldn't be good enough for one kind and gentle. Almost twenty and dismissed by two dominants, not able to be up to par for either one. Who's going to want to take him on now?
It's not as if he can leave. Get a job. Find a new place to live. Have his own apartment. All he can do is wait to see what house he's driven up to next, what person wants to claim the scraps of heart that remain inside him.
The knock makes him jump, but he doesn't lift his head from between his knees. He pushes his face harder against it, shivering with his tears, voice too hoarse. Either way, it's a question he can't exactly say no to, not when it's his dominant. He knows his place. ]
[ The silence should be enough of an indicator for Suguru that maybe Yuji isn't in any condition to say yes or no, and it might be best for Suguru to walk away, rather than invade the boy's privacy. But he can't— leave it while Yuji thinks Suguru wants him gone.
He'll just... say what he has to say, and if Yuji still wants to leave, then at least Suguru will know.
Quietly and carefully, Suguru opens Yuji's bedroom door. He takes stock of the belongings strewn about, Yuji's open closet, the ripped bag, before he finally sees Yuji on the floor by the bed. Curled up and trembling, looking painfully small and vulnerable for a boy who could snap Suguru's ropes by flexing hard enough. It fucking aches to see him there. ]
Oh, Yuji...
[ Sighing, Suguru approaches the bed, lowering himself onto the floor near Yuji – but once again, not presuming to touch him, grab him, or force him to look at Suguru. A little awkward, none of their usual easy rapport, but Suguru is determined.
If Yuji tells him to go, Suguru will listen. But if Yuji is willing to grant him the space to speak, Suguru feels so strongly that he needs to. Suguru once again has to resist the urge to gather the submissive into his arms and instantly soothe him, and his fingers nearly tingle with how badly he wants to reach out. ]
You know, I didn't realize how long you've been here. I didn't even realize it was getting close to six months because I stopped counting the weeks ages ago.
[ Which is his fault, as the one with the arbitrary deadline. ]
I usually establish expectations early with my submissives about timelines, but I was so happy with you that I didn't even think about the amount of time passing. I should have been more considerate of you in the first place, so I'm sorry that I caught you by surprise.
But I also should have told you as soon as I knew I wanted you to stay.
[ The silence is deafening, until Suguru slips into the room and he can hear that soft, soft sigh, and it makes Yuji whimper even more, squeezing his fingers into his own clothes, gripping as hard as he can, feeling himself struggling to maintain any semblance of control over himself and his own emotions.
This isn't - he doesn't know what to do. The hopelessness is agonising, not even able to pack his clothes away without causing Suguru some other kind of problem, without making things worse.
Mahito was right. All of his words were right. That's the kind of waste that Yuji was, at heart.
There's no way he can look up as Suguru moves closer, as he settles nearby, almost shifting to turn his body away from the dominant in front of him. This feels somehow worse than safe wording did, feels somehow more agonising, as if all the things he's done wrong in his life have come back to bite him in the ass. It hurts, it aches, he feels awful, miserable with it, but he can't do anything but sink into his sadness.
This is it, then. The final moment. The last goodbye. That's how it sounds.
None of the words Suguru says makes any kind of sense, and he shakes his head, voice muffled by the press into his own clothes, throat thick with his tears. ]
I don't want to hear it. I'm packing. You want me to go, I'll go. You were fine, Suguru-san, the - the best. I didn't...
[ Suguru finally speaks over him, cutting him off as he reaches out to set a hand on top of Yuji's head. Still so soft, still so gentle, not grabbing his hair or trying to correct him. ]
I'm trying to tell you that I don't want you to go. [ Is he not being clear? He can't exactly fault Yuji, after Suguru has been as transparent as concrete with his own feelings, but Suguru is trying to dig into this moment, trying to make himself understood. ]
[ The touch to his head remains grounding, remains something that he longs for so desperately, but for a moment he still can't believe it. It's not until he tilts his head up, face red, and blotchy, and stained with tears, that he realises that what Suguru said to him is real.
... He doesn't want him to go...?
It doesn't feel real, not even a little, and he blinks before he shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes and his face, as if he could erase his sadness. ]
[ Suguru shakes his head as his other hand reaches out, gently brushing away the mess of tears on Yuji's cheeks. ]
I was— [ He sighs, searching for the words. ]
I was being an idiot. [ Also true. ] I was too preoccupied with my personal garbage to get out of my own way.
And... [ This one is harder to admit, if only because he so often doesn't consider this aspect. ] I was protecting my heart by sacrificing yours. I don't... know what it's like to feel this way about someone. [ Not anymore. ] But instead of trying, I avoided acknowledging my own feelings until it... hurt you.
[ Yuji stares at Suguru, completely lost as the other man speaks. His heart is thudding in his chest and when he licks his lips, he can taste the salt of his tears. He doesn’t understand - he can’t fathom what this means. What any of it means.
Suguru has changed his mind… Why does it feel like a trick, somehow? In barely a scrap of an hour…? He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand it at all, too dumb to put the pieces together. ]
Nothing has changed, Suguru-san. I’m still like this, and the world is still like that, so why…? Don’t… Make me feel like this. Not if you’ll take it away.
[ Don’t give him hope then dash it, he thinks, even as he leans into the touch, desperate and wanting. ]
It’s okay to say I’m not good enough for you. I can handle it. I don’t need the rest.
[ It's not surprising that Yuji is so confused – Suguru is, too. He's never experienced this as an adult, never cared enough about someone else to even think about keeping them, and for Yuji to so completely scale his inner walls and make himself at home in Suguru's heart? Suguru had no way to prepare for that, and so he just didn't. But instead of taking the time to piece together his feelings and swallow the threat of rejection – no matter how small it might have been with such a perfect, smitten boy – Suguru rejected Yuji first.
He needs to repair that.
Suguru's palm fits the curve of Yuji's cheek perfectly, and though his touch is soft, his voice is firm. ]
Listen to me and hear me, Yuji. You are and always have been good enough. What you've been through and the dominants in your life have never determined your value – in the same way they could never diminish it, either.
You were always more than good enough for me, Yuji, and I can't do anything but love you for it.
[ Pulling away from Suguru had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and trying to let his heart regain that desperate hope feels like a lot right now. He’s surrounded by the tornado of his own grief as he’d tried to pack things, his chest hurts from crying, but… Suguru is right here. He’s right here and he’s saying all the things that Yuji had been desperate to hear for so long.
He wants to believe in it so much.
Blinking back more tears, Yuji swallows absently before he breathes out a soft nose, eyes wide and gazing on the man in front of him. ]
Suguru… I’ve liked you for a long time now. No, that - hm. I’ve loved you. It’s been weeks.
[ Suguru's nod is emphatic and immediate. No hesitation, no thought needed to confirm that of course, it's okay. ]
Yes. Of course, yes. [ In fact, hearing Yuji say that fills Suguru's chest with an effervescent warmth so powerful, it leaves Suguru breathless. He shifts closer to Yuji, a crooked tilt gracing his lips now – nothing like the performative smiles that keep everyone at a distance. ]
It's hard for me to remember what falling in love feels like, but I think it's something like this. [ And he's trying to remember how this dance works, how to let himself feel it, instead of losing it beneath the shadow of his grief. ]
Is it all right if it takes me time to figure myself out, too? [ Without a deadline or an impending departure. He wouldn't be here with Yuji if he wasn't already sure. ] I know that I want you and I want this, but I'm...
[ It's really okay to feel that way... Yuji's eyes widen as he stares at the man in front of him, still sticky from his tears and his hurt. He doesn't know if he can believe it that easily, but it makes him yearn a little - shifting forward, he swallows, fingers trailing up the length of Geto's arms before he hesitates.
There's what he's allowed, and there's going too far... What's okay? What is he allowed to do?
What are the rules, now that things have shifted? ]
Something like this is enough for me.
[ Leaning in, he smiles softly, cheeks warm despite his cool tears. ]
I'll wait for you, Suguru. As long as it takes, I don't mind. As long as I can stay here with you, I'll be happy.
[ The relief Suguru feels is like a soft blanket wrapped around his shoulders. (He spent so many years determined to never let anyone close enough to lay eyes on the parts of himself he finds objectionable, that he thinks make him ill-suited to loving and being loved. But he's also never met someone who's given him enough of a sense of peace and acceptance that it felt easy just to try.)
There's no more hesitation in Suguru's touch as he reaches out to Yuji, drawing the submissive into his lap and the protective circle of Suguru's broad shoulders, his strong arms. ]
This will be your home as long as you will have it. [ An effortless promise as Suguru bends to kiss away the tears on his sweet boy's face. ]
You will always be safe here, and you will always have a place with me.
[ Leaning in, Yuji nuzzles into him, pressing soft kisses along Suguru's jaw as he lets himself collapse against his body. He trusts Suguru to keep hold of him, to keep him up, to share strength with him, and he feels his cheeks flaring up intensely, too. It's embarrassing, to confess like this, but at the same time... It worked out for him.
Tilting his head up, he smiles softly, their noses brushing against one another. ]
Sorry, Suguru. I'm going to stay here forever now.
[ With Suguru so close... How can he not kiss him? After barely a week of not kissing him at all he had felt bereft, and he slots their mouths together gently. ]
[ Suguru takes Yuji's weight without a second thought, arms winding around his waist and holding him so perfectly close. Kissing Yuji for the first time in a week feels like coming home again, like kicking off his shoes to sink into the familiarity of a beloved space after too long away. Suguru kisses Yuji with all the affection that's bloomed in the months that he's had this submissive at his side, poured into him – but without any domineering claim or punishing edge for the time apart. Sweetly, the way he hasn't kissed anyone in over a decade.
Suguru threads fingers in the short crop of Yuji's darker hair, cradling the curve of his skull to hold the submissive even closer. He doesn't let go of Yuji when they finally part to breathe, and he sighs with pure contentment. ]
I missed hearing you say my name. [ Because Suguru-san isn't the same. ]
Mm... I was trying to keep distance, since I thought...
[ That Suguru didn't want him, since that is what Suguru had implied. What else would he believe?
This is so much better, shifting his hips forward to lean into Suguru, to nuzzle into his skin and sigh with happiness. He's never felt so content, so happy, and he wants to do so many things that his head feels a little fuzzy with it. Burning with warmth, he tilts his head up and presses another kiss to his dominant's mouth.
It all bubbles up without him being able to control it. ]
I love you, Suguru. I love you so much, I'll tell you every day.
[ Suguru understands, completely, and the tiniest part of him continues to naggingly wonder if that wasn't the right move on Yuji's part, but— Nothing is different now than it was a week ago, in Suguru's mind; he feels the same fondness, the same affection and adoration, but now the final deadline isn't even an option. He hadn't been thinking about it, hadn't even realized how closely it was approaching, but now knowing that Yuji is staying?
There's a freedom in that, too.
He returns those kisses with ease, smiling into Yuji's lips. His other hand sweeps over Yuji's back, touching everywhere he can reach to remind himself of how real and solid Yuji feels. (And alive. Fucking alive.) ]
I love you, too. [ Oh, that's the first time saying it out loud to another person in... who knows how long. ]
[ Suguru says it, so casually, despite his concerns from before, and all Yuji can do is lean back, his eyes widening a little as he stares at the man in front of him. His cheeks are flushed a bright, beautiful red, and he swallows as he gazes up at the man he loves.
He loves him too. He loves him - they love each other! He wiggles a little, before he leans in and shoves his face into Suguru's chest.
It's embarrassing, but it's so nice, too, and he shifts, trying to press their bodies as close together as he can get them. ]
[ Loving Yuji was never really the question. Suguru just doesn't know if his love is enough – if it shines out from under that anger and sadness and resentment for the world they live in. But he's never so much as tried before.
Suguru nuzzles his smile into Yuji's hair as the submissive hides his face and the charming pink coloring his cheeks. It's cute to see Yuji so happy, and he revels in how it feels to have Yuji against him; it should be more embarrassing to him to react so strongly after only going a week without Yuji, but he can't help it.
He might hate the world, but he doesn't hate that it brought him to Yuji.
And since Yuji likes hearing it so much...
Suguru kisses Yuji's pulse behind his ear, giving a low hum.]
I love you~ [ It sounds different when he's teasing Yuji, but no less sincere or heartfelt. Just... Suguru being Suguru. ]
[ Yuji does love him: he loves him so deeply, so wholly, that the notion of giving it up now is a painful one. He simply cannot do it.
Threatening to leave, to pack his things and go, truly imagining that was what the future held - it was enough to break him.
Tilting his head up, Yuji presses their mouths together, this time in a slightly longer, deeper kiss. It's not like him to push so hard, to want so much, but he can't help himself when Suguru is saying he loves him, when Suguru is holding him so gently, when his dominant is letting him settle in his lap like he belongs there. This is what heaven feels like, surely?
Eyes closed, Yuji hums with a soft sound of pleasure. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
imagine communicating
[ Yuji can't look at him. He can barely lift his head, unable to look at the man who has such a tight grip on his still-beating heart. Maybe Suguru wasn't meant to understand this kind of thing, but it's so obvious to Yuji: can't he want to protect the person he thinks he might have fallen in love with? Can't he want to make it so that Suguru is given less of a watchful scrutiny, especially when he dismisses Yuji?
He doesn't like being stared at with that expression, as if Suguru is disappointed in him, or angry at him. It makes him want to lash out - so maybe he does, a little. ]
I'm a damaged submissive. I have boundary issues and - and I don't know how to say no.
[ Breathing out hard, voice snappy - ]
"Itadori Yuji is a viable submissive, but does not understand the nature of a healthy dynamic due to his own ignorance. It is unlikely that he will ever find a suitable long-term pairing due to the damage done in youth, but time may do something to fix his problem. More training will be required in the basics of submission to ensure a viable partnership in future. Poor behaviour will inevitably reflect badly on any arrangement, certainly with Itadori Yuji's natural inclination to submit."
[ It's quite directly from his file. Yeah, he's read it, of course he has, and the words were like daggers. Viable, but broken. Damaged. 'Fix his problem'. He's the issue. No wonder Suguru wouldn't want to try. Nothing in the documentation made Yuji sound like any kind of suitable partner for anyone. Some kind of broken, damaged creature, and his stupidity would make his dominant look back.
He's blinking back tears now, but forcing himself to grit his teeth. ]
If I messed this up, it would ruin things for you, so - that's why. You're going to get a new submissive soon and you don't deserve to be punished because of me.
wdym isn't staring into the abyss communication
Struck silent as Yuji speaks, Suguru is left blinking at the boy, turning his words over on repeat. He shouldn't be surprised Yuji read his file, that the assessment carved itself into Yuji's soul like every other demoralization beaten into submissives. Suguru just happens to think it's fucking wrong. Unfair and uncharitable, unable to look past the actions of Mahito to uncover the person beneath and not the service potential.
Suguru shakes his head, adamant. ]
But you deserve that, Yuji? [ Suguru is a grown man with plenty of years under his belt; he's the one in a position of privilege and power, and in his mind, that means every obstacle should be his to shoulder. He saw himself like a stepping stone, a place to pause and recover before continuing on, meant to withstand the turbulent waves once the tide rolls in. Reliable, sturdy, but buried so deeply in the past that the only thing to do is take a step and don't look back.
Eventually, stone will always be worn away. ]
I chose my path, and I knew what that entailed. It's not your responsibility to protect me. [ Even if it seems Suguru has done a poor job ensuring the opposite: he intended to keep Yuji safe, to take care of him, but seeing Yuji like this? It seems clear Suguru wasn't as successful as he hoped to be. ]
sorry about your life suguru
[ Yuji is shaking now, the hurt bubbling out inside of him. He's in no position to argue, to make demands, is he? He doesn't get a choice. This isn't a relationship, some kind of sweet, teen romance where they can have a happily ever after. He is a responsibility to Suguru, someone that he has to take care of because he would be fined or punished if he didn't.
That's simply how it was: it was just that way.
They're not Gojo-san and Fushiguro. They're not a couple. They're not happy: Yuji can't say he's happy about any of it. As much as he wants to stay with Suguru, he won't do it at the cost of hoping for some kind of true love or happiness in his life.
He still can't look at him, blinking rapidly.
Arms curl around his stomach, and he forces himself to breathe and look away. If the inspector comes back, to make sure this was all real and not some pretence he had been forced to carry out...
Suguru does not want him. Will not claim him. Will not wed nor collar him. In their world, there is nothing Yuji can do about that. He's not the one who decides where he stays or goes. He can't make Suguru love him any more than he can stop himself from feeling it. ]
I'm not really yours, so you can stop with all of that rubbish.
self-aware enough to know he's The Problem, too self-loathing to solve it
And Yuji wants him to stop. ]
It's not rubbish. [ Not to Suguru. ] But I can stop.
[ He didn't realize it was this painful for Yuji. He distantly wonders if that's the inevitable outcome of every relationship in his life, hurt and loss, and now, he wonders if maybe it's better that Yuji hates him instead. He should resent Suguru, because Suguru holds all the cards in this scenario – but instead of playing his hand, Suguru's thrown them on the floor, uninterested in picking them back up.
A childish way of refusing to play the game.
Instead of stepping forward and dragging Yuji into a hug the way he wants, Suguru feels glued to the spot. He wishes he could hold Yuji until the trembling passes, until the tears fade again.
But Yuji isn't his. And he wants Suguru to stop.
The bone-deep exhaustion numbs Suguru, the sharp ache in his chest giving way to the yawning emptiness. He doesn't raise his voice or snap back at Yuji; he just sounds weary. ]
My letter of recommendation should amend your file. With my history of returning placements, that shouldn't be much of a surprise, and I'll make sure they know it wasn't based on performance or ability.
More than just viable, you're a wonderful submissive. I doubt you'll have any trouble in your next placement. [ Because that's what Yuji wants, right? ]
no subject
It's that easy, huh? That simple. He can stop. He'll turn it off. Suguru can dismiss it, just like that, when Yuji is aching with how desperately he wants to be with him, with how much he wants to wrap arms around him and not let go. It's not just the knowledge of safety, that he's met someone who treats him kindly, it's so much more - it's the way Suguru laughs, the soft hand in his hair, the way he buys the brands of food Yuji likes best, the jokes he makes, the crinkles in his eyes when he smiles, the way he smells...
Yuji's crying before he can stop himself, lifting his hand and wiping at his face desperately, feeling like he might throw up. His hand ends up over his mouth, muffling the way he breaks into pieces around the knowledge that it's really over and Suguru does not want him. Does not want to keep him, even for a little longer. As if some stupid letter is going to make Yuji's next placement a good one, when none of them will ever be home like this one was.
Swallowing, knowing he's acting as pathetic as his file makes him seem, he scrapes the sleeve of his sweater over his face and tries to stop himself. Muffling the way he's falling apart, just a little, like Suguru had taken a knife and shoved it right through his chest. ]
Fine. That's fine. I'll go and pack my things, so you can call them right now. You can tell them you're done with me.
[ It's not as if Yuji is done with him, is it? Yuji loves him, Yuji loves him so much. He's acting in a way that would have had his ass black and blue back with Mahito, would've had him tied up naked in a corner and left to rot, until he'd learned to speak back properly to his dominant, but Yuji doesn't care if Suguru punishes him. He doesn't care if he's never spoken to again. Maybe it'd make it hurt that little bit less, to know that he really was a disappointment in the end.
Looking back over at his dominant, he swallows his grief. ]
Fuck you, Suguru-san.
[ And then he's off, storming through the halls of the house to head to his room, to slam the door behind him to the point where it could break. ]
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He still has to actually go deal with this, which he doesn't really want to do, but after tucking his phone into his pocket, he draws himself up from the couch, trailing after Yuji to the submissive's closed bedroom door.
Instead of letting himself in immediately, Suguru hovers outside, hand raised and poised to knock. He considers walking right in – the dominant thing to do, establishing his ownership of the whole home – but this is Yuji's space, no matter how things feel between them. Politely, he raps his knuckles on the door, calling quietly, ]
... Yuji? Can we talk?
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He's not going to take any of the items Suguru gave him, since they're not really his, not gifts from a dominant for a submissive in his care, but a loan of sorts. He feels as if he's tearing himself apart as he starts to tug his scraps of life from the closet and wardrobe, finding a bag to shove them in between his heart-wrenching sobs. It makes him feel sick, the way it hurts, and he pushes his jeans and his hoodies in hard enough to tear the bag.
That utter failure has him sliding down, curled up beside his bed, shoving his face into his knees as he cries, whimpering noises that he can't stop.
Disappointment, failure, worthless, useless, replaceable, not good enough or strong enough - he couldn't be good enough for a dominant who pushed him to the limits, and he couldn't be good enough for one kind and gentle. Almost twenty and dismissed by two dominants, not able to be up to par for either one. Who's going to want to take him on now?
It's not as if he can leave. Get a job. Find a new place to live. Have his own apartment. All he can do is wait to see what house he's driven up to next, what person wants to claim the scraps of heart that remain inside him.
The knock makes him jump, but he doesn't lift his head from between his knees. He pushes his face harder against it, shivering with his tears, voice too hoarse. Either way, it's a question he can't exactly say no to, not when it's his dominant. He knows his place. ]
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He'll just... say what he has to say, and if Yuji still wants to leave, then at least Suguru will know.
Quietly and carefully, Suguru opens Yuji's bedroom door. He takes stock of the belongings strewn about, Yuji's open closet, the ripped bag, before he finally sees Yuji on the floor by the bed. Curled up and trembling, looking painfully small and vulnerable for a boy who could snap Suguru's ropes by flexing hard enough. It fucking aches to see him there. ]
Oh, Yuji...
[ Sighing, Suguru approaches the bed, lowering himself onto the floor near Yuji – but once again, not presuming to touch him, grab him, or force him to look at Suguru. A little awkward, none of their usual easy rapport, but Suguru is determined.
If Yuji tells him to go, Suguru will listen. But if Yuji is willing to grant him the space to speak, Suguru feels so strongly that he needs to. Suguru once again has to resist the urge to gather the submissive into his arms and instantly soothe him, and his fingers nearly tingle with how badly he wants to reach out. ]
You know, I didn't realize how long you've been here. I didn't even realize it was getting close to six months because I stopped counting the weeks ages ago.
[ Which is his fault, as the one with the arbitrary deadline. ]
I usually establish expectations early with my submissives about timelines, but I was so happy with you that I didn't even think about the amount of time passing. I should have been more considerate of you in the first place, so I'm sorry that I caught you by surprise.
But I also should have told you as soon as I knew I wanted you to stay.
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This isn't - he doesn't know what to do. The hopelessness is agonising, not even able to pack his clothes away without causing Suguru some other kind of problem, without making things worse.
Mahito was right. All of his words were right. That's the kind of waste that Yuji was, at heart.
There's no way he can look up as Suguru moves closer, as he settles nearby, almost shifting to turn his body away from the dominant in front of him. This feels somehow worse than safe wording did, feels somehow more agonising, as if all the things he's done wrong in his life have come back to bite him in the ass. It hurts, it aches, he feels awful, miserable with it, but he can't do anything but sink into his sadness.
This is it, then. The final moment. The last goodbye. That's how it sounds.
None of the words Suguru says makes any kind of sense, and he shakes his head, voice muffled by the press into his own clothes, throat thick with his tears. ]
I don't want to hear it. I'm packing. You want me to go, I'll go. You were fine, Suguru-san, the - the best. I didn't...
[ He didn't want to fail him.
He doesn't want to go. ]
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[ Suguru finally speaks over him, cutting him off as he reaches out to set a hand on top of Yuji's head. Still so soft, still so gentle, not grabbing his hair or trying to correct him. ]
I'm trying to tell you that I don't want you to go. [ Is he not being clear? He can't exactly fault Yuji, after Suguru has been as transparent as concrete with his own feelings, but Suguru is trying to dig into this moment, trying to make himself understood. ]
I want you to stay, Yuji. Here, with me.
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... He doesn't want him to go...?
It doesn't feel real, not even a little, and he blinks before he shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes and his face, as if he could erase his sadness. ]
But you said... You told me, didn't you?
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I was— [ He sighs, searching for the words. ]
I was being an idiot. [ Also true. ] I was too preoccupied with my personal garbage to get out of my own way.
And... [ This one is harder to admit, if only because he so often doesn't consider this aspect. ] I was protecting my heart by sacrificing yours. I don't... know what it's like to feel this way about someone. [ Not anymore. ] But instead of trying, I avoided acknowledging my own feelings until it... hurt you.
So I'm sorry for that, too.
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Suguru has changed his mind… Why does it feel like a trick, somehow? In barely a scrap of an hour…? He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand it at all, too dumb to put the pieces together. ]
Nothing has changed, Suguru-san. I’m still like this, and the world is still like that, so why…? Don’t… Make me feel like this. Not if you’ll take it away.
[ Don’t give him hope then dash it, he thinks, even as he leans into the touch, desperate and wanting. ]
It’s okay to say I’m not good enough for you. I can handle it. I don’t need the rest.
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He needs to repair that.
Suguru's palm fits the curve of Yuji's cheek perfectly, and though his touch is soft, his voice is firm. ]
Listen to me and hear me, Yuji. You are and always have been good enough. What you've been through and the dominants in your life have never determined your value – in the same way they could never diminish it, either.
You were always more than good enough for me, Yuji, and I can't do anything but love you for it.
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He wants to believe in it so much.
Blinking back more tears, Yuji swallows absently before he breathes out a soft nose, eyes wide and gazing on the man in front of him. ]
Suguru… I’ve liked you for a long time now. No, that - hm. I’ve loved you. It’s been weeks.
[ Leaning into him, seeking him, wanting him… ]
Is… Is it okay? If I feel that way?
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Yes. Of course, yes. [ In fact, hearing Yuji say that fills Suguru's chest with an effervescent warmth so powerful, it leaves Suguru breathless. He shifts closer to Yuji, a crooked tilt gracing his lips now – nothing like the performative smiles that keep everyone at a distance. ]
It's hard for me to remember what falling in love feels like, but I think it's something like this. [ And he's trying to remember how this dance works, how to let himself feel it, instead of losing it beneath the shadow of his grief. ]
Is it all right if it takes me time to figure myself out, too? [ Without a deadline or an impending departure. He wouldn't be here with Yuji if he wasn't already sure. ] I know that I want you and I want this, but I'm...
[ Hmm, how to put this? ]
... my own kind of damaged.
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There's what he's allowed, and there's going too far... What's okay? What is he allowed to do?
What are the rules, now that things have shifted? ]
Something like this is enough for me.
[ Leaning in, he smiles softly, cheeks warm despite his cool tears. ]
I'll wait for you, Suguru. As long as it takes, I don't mind. As long as I can stay here with you, I'll be happy.
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There's no more hesitation in Suguru's touch as he reaches out to Yuji, drawing the submissive into his lap and the protective circle of Suguru's broad shoulders, his strong arms. ]
This will be your home as long as you will have it. [ An effortless promise as Suguru bends to kiss away the tears on his sweet boy's face. ]
You will always be safe here, and you will always have a place with me.
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Tilting his head up, he smiles softly, their noses brushing against one another. ]
Sorry, Suguru. I'm going to stay here forever now.
[ With Suguru so close... How can he not kiss him? After barely a week of not kissing him at all he had felt bereft, and he slots their mouths together gently. ]
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Suguru threads fingers in the short crop of Yuji's darker hair, cradling the curve of his skull to hold the submissive even closer. He doesn't let go of Yuji when they finally part to breathe, and he sighs with pure contentment. ]
I missed hearing you say my name. [ Because Suguru-san isn't the same. ]
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[ That Suguru didn't want him, since that is what Suguru had implied. What else would he believe?
This is so much better, shifting his hips forward to lean into Suguru, to nuzzle into his skin and sigh with happiness. He's never felt so content, so happy, and he wants to do so many things that his head feels a little fuzzy with it. Burning with warmth, he tilts his head up and presses another kiss to his dominant's mouth.
It all bubbles up without him being able to control it. ]
I love you, Suguru. I love you so much, I'll tell you every day.
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There's a freedom in that, too.
He returns those kisses with ease, smiling into Yuji's lips. His other hand sweeps over Yuji's back, touching everywhere he can reach to remind himself of how real and solid Yuji feels. (And alive. Fucking alive.) ]
I love you, too. [ Oh, that's the first time saying it out loud to another person in... who knows how long. ]
I should have figured that out sooner.
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He loves him too. He loves him - they love each other! He wiggles a little, before he leans in and shoves his face into Suguru's chest.
It's embarrassing, but it's so nice, too, and he shifts, trying to press their bodies as close together as he can get them. ]
It sounds good when you say it. I like it.
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Suguru nuzzles his smile into Yuji's hair as the submissive hides his face and the charming pink coloring his cheeks. It's cute to see Yuji so happy, and he revels in how it feels to have Yuji against him; it should be more embarrassing to him to react so strongly after only going a week without Yuji, but he can't help it.
He might hate the world, but he doesn't hate that it brought him to Yuji.
And since Yuji likes hearing it so much...
Suguru kisses Yuji's pulse behind his ear, giving a low hum.]
I love you~ [ It sounds different when he's teasing Yuji, but no less sincere or heartfelt. Just... Suguru being Suguru. ]
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Threatening to leave, to pack his things and go, truly imagining that was what the future held - it was enough to break him.
Tilting his head up, Yuji presses their mouths together, this time in a slightly longer, deeper kiss. It's not like him to push so hard, to want so much, but he can't help himself when Suguru is saying he loves him, when Suguru is holding him so gently, when his dominant is letting him settle in his lap like he belongs there. This is what heaven feels like, surely?
Eyes closed, Yuji hums with a soft sound of pleasure. ]
I love you... My Suguru.
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