[ Each gentle touch should be grounding (and it is) but Yuji's panic is too flaring, too desperate, keyed up and uncertain in the wake of his perceived failure. He had to use his safe word, something he has never done before in his life, and the guilt is eating at him, making him burn from the inside out. Isn't this a failure? Whenever he had cried before, it was hand in hand with scolding and anger.
(Even if Suguru has never been like that, the fear burns, bites at him, sickening and agonising, until all he can do is shiver and cry).
The tears stain Suguru's body as Yuji lets himself feel it, rock through it, trying to listen to the soft, comforting words. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't ruin anything. It was too much. He was so afraid, and Suguru doesn't want him to be afraid; he doesn't like Yuji's fear, doesn't drink upon it like ambrosia. Doesn't want him to hurt or suffer (at least, not like that, sexual pain aside).
Nuzzling into Suguru, he grips at him, body still wracked with little shivers. ]
[ Suguru is perfectly ready to let Yuji free if the physical touch is more upsetting than comforting; even though Yuji trembles and hiccups in desperate breaths, it doesn’t seem that he’s trying to scramble away. Fingers keep combing through Yuji’s sweat-damp hair, absent nuzzles accompanying the kisses Suguru presses to the top of the submissive’s head. He isn’t offended by the response, either; it would seem disproportionate to the activities themselves, but to anyone looking one step past the surface, the background noise of trauma screams at a riotous din.
Suguru gets it. He knows what this looks like. ]
And you did so well trying anyway. [ Because he knows Yuji was still scared, even before it went from acceptable to overwhelming. Somewhere along the way, Suguru uncovered a hair-trigger he was unaware existed – and one to which he’s sure Yuji was perfectly oblivious. This was a limit that Yuji wanted to test, and they found the first threshold for his tolerance.
That is success, in Suguru’s mind. ]
You’re safe now, Yuji. You did as you were told, and I’m proud of you for that.
[ It takes a little while for Yuji to manage to focus his breathing, to calm enough to recognise that he needs to, breathing in deep and letting it out slowly. It's an agonising wait, coming down from the height of fear and anxiety, and the time ticks by as he lets himself rest in Suguru's arms, feeling his soft kisses and the tender fingers running through his hair.
It's soothing, tender, and after what feels like an eternity (but is more like half an hour), he manages to lean back and blink up at him.
He still feels awful, but it feels better than it did.
Slowly, he lifts a shaky hand to touch Suguru's cheek gently, thumb pressing into the shape of the bone under his eye, lost in it for a moment.
It's still a little hard to speak, and he swallows. ]
[ Time ticks along, and Suguru's demeanor remains a constant steadiness, no matter how long Yuji takes to return to himself. When the submissive is finally leaning away, Suguru meets his gaze with a soft smile, one hand coming up to cover Yuji's on his face. (Yuji's fingers look so much smaller under Suguru's.) ]
Welcome back.
[ He leans in, brushing a kiss over Yuji's forehead. ]
[ A good answer. About what Suguru expected, too. ]
Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.
[ Glad that this is a first time, an outlier. ]
Can you tell me when it went from tolerable to overwhelming? [ He keeps his tone gentle, his touch consistent to make it clear Yuji isn't in trouble. ] You seemed to be doing fine for a while, but something changed?
Unless you were feeling that uncomfortable the entire time, which may have been my misreading, then. [ Suguru would have stopped earlier or just changed gears entirely if Yuji seemed like he was about to shake apart over the blindfold. ]
[ Quick to Suguru's defence, as he ever will be. ]
I was nervous about the blindfold, so I was already a little worried, so I guess...
[ He frowns, swallowing, trying to find the right words. ]
I didn't mind it as long as I could feel you nearby. When... It was when you were gone, and I couldn't feel you, and all I could think about was what happened before.
[ This might be the moment where he is prompted for that information, because he has been largely reticent to discuss it, knowing Suguru's distaste for it (misinterpreting his anger as disgust). ]
[ This is important information that Suguru squirrels away. As long as his presence was detectable, Yuji could continue to remain present and secure in the scene. Hmm. Suguru will remember this for later, but he's less focused on figuring out next time, more so on the other tidbit Yuji shared.
Suguru has struggled to fully discern Yuji's reaction to talking about his past – reluctant because of a desire to avoid it? Embarrassment? Shame? He's still trying to find the best way to ask for more, but if ever there was a time...
Stroking his fingers down the nape of Yuji's neck, he eventually chooses his approach. ]
Do you want to tell me about what happened before, Yuji? This isn't an order or a demand, but I would like to hear it, if you think you can share.
[ Does he want to tell him what happened? Not really.
Does he think it would be a good idea, for his future safety? Probably.
Does that make it easier? No.
Yuji breathes out softly, nervous even with the gentle comfort of fingers. Suguru isn't going to judge him, or hurt him, he's learned that; he trusts this man completely, with his entire heart, with his body, and it makes his skin prickle. The only problem is his anger, his upset, and Yuji... He doesn't want to see that. He also doesn't want to be sent away.
For a submissive as well-trained as he is, Yuji's aware he's a little broken. A little damaged. ]
Before, it... We'd go out, to clubs, or houses with his other dominant friends, and there would... I'd be cuffed, or chained up, always with metal. And I'd get blindfolded, and sometimes my ears would be covered, so couldn't... Tell.
[ So he didn't know who was touching him, who had a mouth or hand or cock near him, and the reminder has him shivering a little. ]
I only wanted to be with him, since I... I thought I loved him, but I didn't know. If it was him, or someone else. And I know, I knew you'd come back, but... I just got scared.
[ Suguru keeps his response in check, because the emotions that swell in him as Yuji speaks have nothing to do with the submissive in his arms. Yuji is not responsible for soothing Suguru's rage or mitigating how he reacts to this new information.
(He isn't angry at Yuji, by any stretch of the imagination. He just wants to wring Mahito's neck – and the neck of anyone who participated knowing, looking on and doing nothing.)
He listens without tensing, without stopping the constant petting and gentle affection. ]
I'm sorry that happened to you, Yuji. [ Suguru reaches up to cradle Yuji's face in his palm, resting their foreheads together. ]
You'll never be put in a situation like that again, I promise you. [ Never with Suguru. ] But I can see how your body could easily associate being left alone now with what happened before – our brains do that, sometimes, when something overwhelming happens to us.
[ He tries to keep his language neutral, to keep his tone empathetic. He can tell Satoru about this later and be furious then. ]
I'm glad you used your safeword when you hit your limit. I rely on you to communicate your needs with me, because I think they're just as important as my own, if not more so.
[ It was all a game to them, before, as if Yuji didn't really matter. He doesn't know for sure if Mahito really did share him, or if it was all just part of the 'tease', but either way... It's not as if he ever said no. He never said anything about not liking it (because he wasn't aware he was allowed to say that sort of thing).
He ends up leaning in to Suguru, curling around him, wiggling to press into his chest and rest there, gathering himself as best he can. ]
It's okay. I'm here now.
[ Safe, isn't he?
And Yuji believes him. Even if he goes to Gojo-san's house, Suguru won't share with him. He won't have to touch anyone else, see anyone else, be around anyone else, not if he doesn't want to. And... He said his safe word and Suguru stopped. Isn't that a miracle in itself?
Blinking back more tears, he breathes out, forcing himself to calm down. ]
I get that you want me to, but... You were enjoying it. I could've kept going, maybe... Maybe it was too early? I keep thinking that.
In my mind, we'll have plenty of opportunities to do this again. Stopping early is better than powering through and no longer enjoying the scene.
[ Suguru shrugs as he rests his chin on top of Yuji's head. ]
I value what you take away from our play, and I would rather a scene that allows us both to have fun.
[ Fun and pleasure and intimacy. And Suguru also says "us," because he thinks both of them should be enthusiastically participating, not grinning and bearing it. ]
[ Suguru distantly realizes he probably sounds like a broken record – but perhaps it’s his own engrained defense mechanisms presenting themselves. He can’t share his real feelings with Yuji about the situation or drop the mask of a dominant, so he falls back on the mantras that make this life palatable. He’s such a knotted ball of anger and resentment just beneath the surface of his survival, and he can’t break free of it; he can only contain it. ]
“Good enough” isn’t a measurement of a person, Yuji. [ There is no “good enough,” just a submissive who doesn’t make Suguru want to claw his own face off. Or, well, that’s what Suguru used to think, but… he’s been enjoying this time with Yuji in a genuine way he hasn’t before. ]
Have I done anything that would lead you to believe I don’t think you’re good enough for me? [ Or has he communicated a sense of disappointment or failure? ]
[ Yuji shifts awkwardly. The idea that Suguru might now be doubting himself makes him hesitate, and then he tilts up, leaning in to press their mouths together - soft and careful. It's not even overtly sexual, more tender and romantic, wanting that kiss and that warmth to keep him anchored. ]
I can't help thinking it, even when I know it might not be true. That it's not what you think. It's what... I'm used to.
Quite the valid fear, Suguru will admit. His history with submissives doesn't paint an optimistic picture for Yuji and his potential of a permanent home. With less traumatic placements, Suguru has had an easier time articulating the temporary nature of their assignments. Less meaningful submissives. Less intimate connections.
But with Yuji, he hasn't been building towards an intentional end date. He hasn't been staring at the light at the end of the tunnel of obligation that promises life outside the shackles of an oppressive system. Suguru isn't zeroed-in on Yuji's inevitable exit; he's instead content to build on whatever... this is between them.
Not his usual approach.
On the other hand, Suguru feels like he's misleading Yuji. He doesn't think his inherent loathing for their societal roles will allow permanence in his usual masks that help him make peace with reality. That's not fair to Yuji, who deserves someone less preoccupied with his own roiling emotion. Yuji has been through enough unstable men for a lifetime, and Suguru is self-aware to know that he's not a solid choice.
Sighing, Suguru leans his forehead against Yuji's, choosing his next words carefully. Yuji isn't in a space to have this conversation, by Suguru's measure; not after such an abrupt ending, all the emotional turmoil and physical toll on Yuji's body. He should keep this as grounded as possible, but he doesn't want to leave Yuji feeling like his imminent failure is a factor in Suguru's decision-making.
So instead of an immediate reassurance or an immediate guarantee – because either feels unfair – Suguru offers instead, ]
Yuji, do you think I've had so many submissives because there's been something lacking in all of them?
[ It's not exactly the response Yuji was expecting.
Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
[ Yuji’s response is, unfortunately, indicative of the entire conundrum for Suguru. He doesn’t consider himself “good” or worthy of the pedestal that his position and society has carved out for him. He can’t even be a “good” dominant content with being fortunate enough to hold a place where he isn’t traded like human chattel as a sacrifice on the altar of a perfectly peaceful world.
He should be grateful, shouldn’t he? ]
That’s a kind assessment, if not an accurate one. The truth is a bit uglier.
[ As it often is.
But rather than a cutting correction, Suguru just sounds… tired. ]
The truth is that I despise this world, Yuji. I hate every expectation inherent in how we live and the structure it exists under. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to participate, but. [ He gives a small shrug. ]
Not accepting placements would mean prison, and I happen to enjoy enough of my life that I would rather skirt by while drawing as little attention to myself as possible. [ And trying to make a difference, however small, for the subs that stay in his home. He can’t promise them permanence, because that’s fair to no one, but he can show compassion and offer a blueprint to less suffering.
But that’s not the same thing as falling in love.
Brushing his fingers absently through Yuji’s hair, Suguru’s gaze drifts towards a point on the far wall, unfocused and a little distant. ]
I return all my placements because I am a poor fit for anyone. All this— anger, hate, I don’t think I have room in my heart for anything else.
And no submissive should suffer for that. [ That’s Suguru’s responsibility, just like all the other requirements of a dominant. ]
[ Yuji isn't entirely sure how to process those words, but one thing hovers on the edge of his mind, making him slip further away from Suguru in his mind, settling into a kind of grief that he's not sure how to process or deal with - I return all my placements. He just wants to skirt by, he doesn't want anything permanent, and it makes Yuji almost wheeze with the way that it makes him feel inside, though he swallows it back and forces himself to hide it as best he can.
It doesn't matter how good he is, then, does it?
If Suguru sends back all his submissive partners, then it doesn't matter if Yuji works hard to be good, if he pushes to relearn his own limits, if he works through the damage done by his previous dominant. None of it will matter in the long run, because Suguru is going to send him back when the time is up. He remembers the lady from the centre telling him that Suguru had a good reputation, that he took care of his submissives, and Megumi telling him that it was usually six or so months before he moved on...
He has barely any time left, now. It won't be any time until he's sent back, and he has no idea where he might end up after this. Another Suguru? Another Mahito?
Leaning forward, he rests his forehead on Suguru's shoulder, hoping he takes his grief and hurt as a side effect of the scene ending how it did rather than from his confession. Yuji is just a responsibility for him, a way to stay out of prison, to make sure that he can enjoy the rest of his life... Does he even enjoy being together with him? Is all the praise false and pretend, something to keep Yuji happy and content until they're separated?
It makes him hurt, but he squashes it. He can cry later, when he's not curled up with someone he was falling in love with. ]
I get it. This world isn't the kindest.
[ Yuji knows that personally, after all, doesn't he?
Leaning back, he tries to put on a little smile. ]
Is it okay if I have a shower or a bath? I... I think it'll help me feel better.
[ This world isn’t the kindest, and Suguru finds himself perpetuating that all over again with a boy who’s seen nothing but the cruelty of their society. Here he is bemoaning the privilege of his position, a role that allows him to own property and hold a job, while Yuji has no such agency. He doesn’t even get to choose when he moves from one dominant to the next, unlike Suguru, who has full control over how long someone stays in his home.
Suguru should have listened to his instincts that told him now was a bad time for this discussion. (If there’s ever such a thing as a good time.) But better that Yuji understand Suguru’s position than keep telling himself that he has to reach some random measure of success to be accepted – when the truth is that Suguru never plans to accept anyone. His own protest against the system.
But this might be the first time he’s really considered the collateral damage for the submissives in Suguru’s personal vendetta against their society. He always thought he was doing them a favor by providing a temporary runway of safety, somewhere to touchdown and recenter before returning to the formal reality of their world.
Has he just been participating anyway? Have his attempts to buck the system instead shackled him into its constant consumption of human commodities?
Fuck.
After so long with Yuji, it’s impossible to ignore his body language, that attempt at a smile – even if Suguru isn’t sure what to make of it, not fully. ]
… Of course. [ Like he’d say no to that. ] Would you like me to join you?
[ The idea of Suguru continuing to touch him right now makes Yuji feel uncomfortable for the first time since he had arrived in his home, his skin feeling an odd sense of coolness: coming down from the panic has left him feeling a little numb anyway, but having his worries so easily confirmed is pushing to a sadness he doesn't want to dwell on right now.
The last few weeks, Yuji has been working so hard, pushing, for a pointless endeavour. For something he's never going to get to have, because that's not what Suguru wants. There's no way anything Yuji does will change that, because Yuji knows, without having to think too hard, that he's not the kind of person who is special enough to make someone change their entire world view. He can't make Suguru love him.
Shifting back on Suguru's lap, Yuji leans up to kiss his forehead gently - a familiar motion, one he does a lot when he's about to leave, when they're separating from one another, a little dose of affection that he can't resist. It chills him to think that, in reality, this is affection that Suguru doesn't want, that they're not going to fall into romantic entanglement, and he makes a mental note to stop doing it. They're not dating.
They're tied together by law and red tape, not by a red string.
Slowly, he wiggles off his dominant's lap and steps away to where he left his dressing gown earlier, tugging it on and tying the knot around his waist, turning back to look at Suguru with a slightly brighter smile. A bath is an appealing concept, even if he feels as if his heart has been torn out of his chest a little. It's been a double-hit to his emotional stability today, and he doesn't want to break down here. Not again.
Yuji has to tuck that side of himself away. ]
I just want to wash, so maybe next time. Sorry, Suguru.
[ The silence is more of an answer than words would have been. Of course that wasn’t what Yuji wanted to hear – and it’s far from the first time Suguru has disappointed someone with the core of himself. It just usually comes much sooner, in the early stages when Suguru is clear that he isn’t looking for a permanent submissive, but maybe he wasn’t concise in his communication; maybe he didn’t impress upon Yuji that there was no external goal for him to reach. This has always been because of Suguru, never the people he’s been assigned.
This is just the first time Suguru has stopped to wonder the impact that has on the submissives in his care, instead of simply assuming that the relief of a painless placement was more ideal than making real effort to connect with his submissives. Is his own rage and grief blinding him to carnage he contributes by discarding entire human beings?
It’s also the first time such an obvious retraction has… hurt? Suguru doesn’t usually care enough about the effect his beliefs might have on someone else; it’s unavoidable, sometimes, so a variety of reactions are understandable, in his mind. But he usually doesn’t care if his honesty leaves fallout in its wake. Often, it’s easier that way, disabuse someone of their illusions of him early, but— Suguru had been so caught in fantasy with Yuji. Comfort, affection, connection. Things he took for granted without considering the looming deadline for the submissive. Suguru isn’t the one at risk of losing his home, his sense of security, or the vague hint of autonomy that a dominant like him offers. Suguru lost sight of the chasm that separates him from Yuji – and hating that reality doesn’t diminish it.
Neither does ignoring it.
But, a small part of Suguru reasons, maybe this is better. Maybe Yuji will find a better dominant, one who can fully revel in what a good boy he is, how eagerly he wants to please, without the dark shadow of a personal hatred clouding such a gift. Maybe Suguru was the one playing pretend by giving Yuji pieces of himself without a thought to how much harder that might make separating. Maybe Suguru should have known better; he’s the dominant, after all. Things like this are his responsibility.
The false levity in Yuji’s voice hits Suguru’s ear like a sharp note played off-key, that smile a crack in concrete spidering across Yuji’s face. But rather than allow a slip in the mask, Suguru offers him a serene smile, all that grief tied down with iron pegs and steel chains. ]
Of course, Yuji.
[ No drop in his tone. No dismay as he rises to his feet. He starts to gather the remains of his shredded rope, adding, ]
Take as much time as you like.
[ In case Yuji needs to get away from him for a while without feeling obligated to return quickly. He gets it. ]
Yuji slips out of the room now that he's allowed, moving to make his way to the bedroom Suguru had given him, with his own little en suite bathroom. It was meant to be for when he wanted to be alone, if he needed distance from his dominant, a little autonomy, but he had rarely made use of it - he had Suguru's bath, Suguru's bed, Suguru's arms around him when he wanted them... Luring him into a sense of false happiness, falsehoods, while they waited for their time together to tick away, until the moment he'd be sent away for good.
What else should he have expected? To stay here forever, and be happy? This was a reprieve, a break from the nightmare that had been his life before, the centre leaving him with someone who would be kind enough with the knowledge it would give them time to find someone else. Maybe they were afraid that he would tell people, or that he'd do something to get them into trouble, or something like that, as if he would. He knows better than to open his mouth and get someone else into trouble, especially when Mahito still has many friends.
In the bathroom, he sets the tub running with as many bubbles as he dares to put in, a childish spark of enjoyment, before he rinses off and sinks in. It's only when he's almost nose deep in the too-hot water, burning his skin a bright pink, that he lets himself cry, the tears rolling down his face and staining him, sticky with the grief of them, the way it makes him feel like there's a lump in his throat and a knife in his chest.
It's not long before he's sobbing, pushing a hand over his mouth to muffle it, keeping himself as quiet as possible. He doesn't think that Suguru is going to check on him, not with how the scene and their conversation went, but it's not worth the risk. The last thing he wants is to cause more problems, to make Suguru feels as if he should be guilty over the way Yuji feels. As if he has to, when he has been more than kind to Yuji, when he had given more than he could've ever hoped for. He'd learned more here in a few short weeks than he ever did before, no matter how much 'training' he'd been given before.
Letting himself cry is hard, but he lets himself. Yuji is mourning, grieving the loss of what he had hoped would be happiness for a long time, what he had dared to dream of as happiness. The tears roll down his cheeks as he sinks lower and lower into the water, until he submerges himself to try and wash the tears away completely. He doesn't want this, he doesn't - want to feel this way. He was so sick of feeling sad.
By the time he's done the water is freezing cold, and he's shivering a little, barely doing anything to actually feel better other than the catharsis of tears. Shaking, Yuji pushes himself out of the bath and makes his way over to dry off, staring at the barely-touched room he's been given. He'll need to distance himself properly, won't he? No more sleeping together. No more kissing him tenderly between scenes, no more trying to get those rare, soft smiles. He can't do it, not if Suguru is going to give him away. He can't love someone who's going to let him go like that.
Hovering by the door, surprised at the fact that it seems to have been hours since he left Suguru's side, Yuji slips out of the room and starts to walk through the house. Does he want to find his dominant? He's not sure, but... He'll be punished if he doesn't eat something, especially after the emotional whiplash of having to use his safeword and being told he's not worth keeping. He has to eat, or he'll get in trouble, and he can't deal with that right now.
Peeking his head into the kitchen, he looks around nervously, as if he was the young boy who had first been dropped off here weeks before. ]
[ The minutes without Yuji are shockingly— poignant. Noticeable. They've spent plenty of time apart since Yuji came to live with Suguru, but not when they were both home together. When they were both at the house, they were practically glued to each other – and not because of Yuji; Suguru reveled in the time, too. He actively sought out Yuji's company, looked to be close, rather than simply tolerating his presence.
Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
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no subject
(Even if Suguru has never been like that, the fear burns, bites at him, sickening and agonising, until all he can do is shiver and cry).
The tears stain Suguru's body as Yuji lets himself feel it, rock through it, trying to listen to the soft, comforting words. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't ruin anything. It was too much. He was so afraid, and Suguru doesn't want him to be afraid; he doesn't like Yuji's fear, doesn't drink upon it like ambrosia. Doesn't want him to hurt or suffer (at least, not like that, sexual pain aside).
Nuzzling into Suguru, he grips at him, body still wracked with little shivers. ]
I was... I was scared...
no subject
Suguru gets it. He knows what this looks like. ]
And you did so well trying anyway. [ Because he knows Yuji was still scared, even before it went from acceptable to overwhelming. Somewhere along the way, Suguru uncovered a hair-trigger he was unaware existed – and one to which he’s sure Yuji was perfectly oblivious. This was a limit that Yuji wanted to test, and they found the first threshold for his tolerance.
That is success, in Suguru’s mind. ]
You’re safe now, Yuji. You did as you were told, and I’m proud of you for that.
Just take some slow, deep breaths for me.
no subject
It's soothing, tender, and after what feels like an eternity (but is more like half an hour), he manages to lean back and blink up at him.
He still feels awful, but it feels better than it did.
Slowly, he lifts a shaky hand to touch Suguru's cheek gently, thumb pressing into the shape of the bone under his eye, lost in it for a moment.
It's still a little hard to speak, and he swallows. ]
... I...
[ He doesn't know what to say. ]
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Welcome back.
[ He leans in, brushing a kiss over Yuji's forehead. ]
How are you feeling?
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[ As if it's a question he doesn't know the answer to. The warmth of Suguru's hand helps, though, and he relaxes, some of the tension bleeding away. ]
It's... I've never felt like that with you before.
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Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.
[ Glad that this is a first time, an outlier. ]
Can you tell me when it went from tolerable to overwhelming? [ He keeps his tone gentle, his touch consistent to make it clear Yuji isn't in trouble. ] You seemed to be doing fine for a while, but something changed?
Unless you were feeling that uncomfortable the entire time, which may have been my misreading, then. [ Suguru would have stopped earlier or just changed gears entirely if Yuji seemed like he was about to shake apart over the blindfold. ]
no subject
[ Quick to Suguru's defence, as he ever will be. ]
I was nervous about the blindfold, so I was already a little worried, so I guess...
[ He frowns, swallowing, trying to find the right words. ]
I didn't mind it as long as I could feel you nearby. When... It was when you were gone, and I couldn't feel you, and all I could think about was what happened before.
[ This might be the moment where he is prompted for that information, because he has been largely reticent to discuss it, knowing Suguru's distaste for it (misinterpreting his anger as disgust). ]
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Suguru has struggled to fully discern Yuji's reaction to talking about his past – reluctant because of a desire to avoid it? Embarrassment? Shame? He's still trying to find the best way to ask for more, but if ever there was a time...
Stroking his fingers down the nape of Yuji's neck, he eventually chooses his approach. ]
Do you want to tell me about what happened before, Yuji? This isn't an order or a demand, but I would like to hear it, if you think you can share.
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Does he think it would be a good idea, for his future safety? Probably.
Does that make it easier? No.
Yuji breathes out softly, nervous even with the gentle comfort of fingers. Suguru isn't going to judge him, or hurt him, he's learned that; he trusts this man completely, with his entire heart, with his body, and it makes his skin prickle. The only problem is his anger, his upset, and Yuji... He doesn't want to see that. He also doesn't want to be sent away.
For a submissive as well-trained as he is, Yuji's aware he's a little broken. A little damaged. ]
Before, it... We'd go out, to clubs, or houses with his other dominant friends, and there would... I'd be cuffed, or chained up, always with metal. And I'd get blindfolded, and sometimes my ears would be covered, so couldn't... Tell.
[ So he didn't know who was touching him, who had a mouth or hand or cock near him, and the reminder has him shivering a little. ]
I only wanted to be with him, since I... I thought I loved him, but I didn't know. If it was him, or someone else. And I know, I knew you'd come back, but... I just got scared.
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(He isn't angry at Yuji, by any stretch of the imagination. He just wants to wring Mahito's neck – and the neck of anyone who participated knowing, looking on and doing nothing.)
He listens without tensing, without stopping the constant petting and gentle affection. ]
I'm sorry that happened to you, Yuji. [ Suguru reaches up to cradle Yuji's face in his palm, resting their foreheads together. ]
You'll never be put in a situation like that again, I promise you. [ Never with Suguru. ] But I can see how your body could easily associate being left alone now with what happened before – our brains do that, sometimes, when something overwhelming happens to us.
[ He tries to keep his language neutral, to keep his tone empathetic. He can tell Satoru about this later and be furious then. ]
I'm glad you used your safeword when you hit your limit. I rely on you to communicate your needs with me, because I think they're just as important as my own, if not more so.
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He ends up leaning in to Suguru, curling around him, wiggling to press into his chest and rest there, gathering himself as best he can. ]
It's okay. I'm here now.
[ Safe, isn't he?
And Yuji believes him. Even if he goes to Gojo-san's house, Suguru won't share with him. He won't have to touch anyone else, see anyone else, be around anyone else, not if he doesn't want to. And... He said his safe word and Suguru stopped. Isn't that a miracle in itself?
Blinking back more tears, he breathes out, forcing himself to calm down. ]
I get that you want me to, but... You were enjoying it. I could've kept going, maybe... Maybe it was too early? I keep thinking that.
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[ Suguru shrugs as he rests his chin on top of Yuji's head. ]
I value what you take away from our play, and I would rather a scene that allows us both to have fun.
[ Fun and pleasure and intimacy. And Suguru also says "us," because he thinks both of them should be enthusiastically participating, not grinning and bearing it. ]
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[ In case he thinks Yuji doesn't understand that Suguru actually wants his lovers - his partners - to enjoy their time together. He gets it. ]
I just... I want to be good enough. For you.
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“Good enough” isn’t a measurement of a person, Yuji. [ There is no “good enough,” just a submissive who doesn’t make Suguru want to claw his own face off. Or, well, that’s what Suguru used to think, but… he’s been enjoying this time with Yuji in a genuine way he hasn’t before. ]
Have I done anything that would lead you to believe I don’t think you’re good enough for me? [ Or has he communicated a sense of disappointment or failure? ]
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[ Yuji shifts awkwardly. The idea that Suguru might now be doubting himself makes him hesitate, and then he tilts up, leaning in to press their mouths together - soft and careful. It's not even overtly sexual, more tender and romantic, wanting that kiss and that warmth to keep him anchored. ]
I can't help thinking it, even when I know it might not be true. That it's not what you think. It's what... I'm used to.
[ Touching their foreheads together, he sighs. ]
I... I don't want you to send me away, Suguru.
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Quite the valid fear, Suguru will admit. His history with submissives doesn't paint an optimistic picture for Yuji and his potential of a permanent home. With less traumatic placements, Suguru has had an easier time articulating the temporary nature of their assignments. Less meaningful submissives. Less intimate connections.
But with Yuji, he hasn't been building towards an intentional end date. He hasn't been staring at the light at the end of the tunnel of obligation that promises life outside the shackles of an oppressive system. Suguru isn't zeroed-in on Yuji's inevitable exit; he's instead content to build on whatever... this is between them.
Not his usual approach.
On the other hand, Suguru feels like he's misleading Yuji. He doesn't think his inherent loathing for their societal roles will allow permanence in his usual masks that help him make peace with reality. That's not fair to Yuji, who deserves someone less preoccupied with his own roiling emotion. Yuji has been through enough unstable men for a lifetime, and Suguru is self-aware to know that he's not a solid choice.
Sighing, Suguru leans his forehead against Yuji's, choosing his next words carefully. Yuji isn't in a space to have this conversation, by Suguru's measure; not after such an abrupt ending, all the emotional turmoil and physical toll on Yuji's body. He should keep this as grounded as possible, but he doesn't want to leave Yuji feeling like his imminent failure is a factor in Suguru's decision-making.
So instead of an immediate reassurance or an immediate guarantee – because either feels unfair – Suguru offers instead, ]
Yuji, do you think I've had so many submissives because there's been something lacking in all of them?
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Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
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He should be grateful, shouldn’t he? ]
That’s a kind assessment, if not an accurate one. The truth is a bit uglier.
[ As it often is.
But rather than a cutting correction, Suguru just sounds… tired. ]
The truth is that I despise this world, Yuji. I hate every expectation inherent in how we live and the structure it exists under. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to participate, but. [ He gives a small shrug. ]
Not accepting placements would mean prison, and I happen to enjoy enough of my life that I would rather skirt by while drawing as little attention to myself as possible. [ And trying to make a difference, however small, for the subs that stay in his home. He can’t promise them permanence, because that’s fair to no one, but he can show compassion and offer a blueprint to less suffering.
But that’s not the same thing as falling in love.
Brushing his fingers absently through Yuji’s hair, Suguru’s gaze drifts towards a point on the far wall, unfocused and a little distant. ]
I return all my placements because I am a poor fit for anyone. All this— anger, hate, I don’t think I have room in my heart for anything else.
And no submissive should suffer for that. [ That’s Suguru’s responsibility, just like all the other requirements of a dominant. ]
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It doesn't matter how good he is, then, does it?
If Suguru sends back all his submissive partners, then it doesn't matter if Yuji works hard to be good, if he pushes to relearn his own limits, if he works through the damage done by his previous dominant. None of it will matter in the long run, because Suguru is going to send him back when the time is up. He remembers the lady from the centre telling him that Suguru had a good reputation, that he took care of his submissives, and Megumi telling him that it was usually six or so months before he moved on...
He has barely any time left, now. It won't be any time until he's sent back, and he has no idea where he might end up after this. Another Suguru? Another Mahito?
Leaning forward, he rests his forehead on Suguru's shoulder, hoping he takes his grief and hurt as a side effect of the scene ending how it did rather than from his confession. Yuji is just a responsibility for him, a way to stay out of prison, to make sure that he can enjoy the rest of his life... Does he even enjoy being together with him? Is all the praise false and pretend, something to keep Yuji happy and content until they're separated?
It makes him hurt, but he squashes it. He can cry later, when he's not curled up with someone he was falling in love with. ]
I get it. This world isn't the kindest.
[ Yuji knows that personally, after all, doesn't he?
Leaning back, he tries to put on a little smile. ]
Is it okay if I have a shower or a bath? I... I think it'll help me feel better.
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Suguru should have listened to his instincts that told him now was a bad time for this discussion. (If there’s ever such a thing as a good time.) But better that Yuji understand Suguru’s position than keep telling himself that he has to reach some random measure of success to be accepted – when the truth is that Suguru never plans to accept anyone. His own protest against the system.
But this might be the first time he’s really considered the collateral damage for the submissives in Suguru’s personal vendetta against their society. He always thought he was doing them a favor by providing a temporary runway of safety, somewhere to touchdown and recenter before returning to the formal reality of their world.
Has he just been participating anyway? Have his attempts to buck the system instead shackled him into its constant consumption of human commodities?
Fuck.
After so long with Yuji, it’s impossible to ignore his body language, that attempt at a smile – even if Suguru isn’t sure what to make of it, not fully. ]
… Of course. [ Like he’d say no to that. ] Would you like me to join you?
[ Yuji didn’t say “can we shower?” after all. ]
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The last few weeks, Yuji has been working so hard, pushing, for a pointless endeavour. For something he's never going to get to have, because that's not what Suguru wants. There's no way anything Yuji does will change that, because Yuji knows, without having to think too hard, that he's not the kind of person who is special enough to make someone change their entire world view. He can't make Suguru love him.
Shifting back on Suguru's lap, Yuji leans up to kiss his forehead gently - a familiar motion, one he does a lot when he's about to leave, when they're separating from one another, a little dose of affection that he can't resist. It chills him to think that, in reality, this is affection that Suguru doesn't want, that they're not going to fall into romantic entanglement, and he makes a mental note to stop doing it. They're not dating.
They're tied together by law and red tape, not by a red string.
Slowly, he wiggles off his dominant's lap and steps away to where he left his dressing gown earlier, tugging it on and tying the knot around his waist, turning back to look at Suguru with a slightly brighter smile. A bath is an appealing concept, even if he feels as if his heart has been torn out of his chest a little. It's been a double-hit to his emotional stability today, and he doesn't want to break down here. Not again.
Yuji has to tuck that side of himself away. ]
I just want to wash, so maybe next time. Sorry, Suguru.
[ A little wave, head tilted. ]
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This is just the first time Suguru has stopped to wonder the impact that has on the submissives in his care, instead of simply assuming that the relief of a painless placement was more ideal than making real effort to connect with his submissives. Is his own rage and grief blinding him to carnage he contributes by discarding entire human beings?
It’s also the first time such an obvious retraction has… hurt? Suguru doesn’t usually care enough about the effect his beliefs might have on someone else; it’s unavoidable, sometimes, so a variety of reactions are understandable, in his mind. But he usually doesn’t care if his honesty leaves fallout in its wake. Often, it’s easier that way, disabuse someone of their illusions of him early, but— Suguru had been so caught in fantasy with Yuji. Comfort, affection, connection. Things he took for granted without considering the looming deadline for the submissive. Suguru isn’t the one at risk of losing his home, his sense of security, or the vague hint of autonomy that a dominant like him offers. Suguru lost sight of the chasm that separates him from Yuji – and hating that reality doesn’t diminish it.
Neither does ignoring it.
But, a small part of Suguru reasons, maybe this is better. Maybe Yuji will find a better dominant, one who can fully revel in what a good boy he is, how eagerly he wants to please, without the dark shadow of a personal hatred clouding such a gift. Maybe Suguru was the one playing pretend by giving Yuji pieces of himself without a thought to how much harder that might make separating. Maybe Suguru should have known better; he’s the dominant, after all. Things like this are his responsibility.
The false levity in Yuji’s voice hits Suguru’s ear like a sharp note played off-key, that smile a crack in concrete spidering across Yuji’s face. But rather than allow a slip in the mask, Suguru offers him a serene smile, all that grief tied down with iron pegs and steel chains. ]
Of course, Yuji.
[ No drop in his tone. No dismay as he rises to his feet. He starts to gather the remains of his shredded rope, adding, ]
Take as much time as you like.
[ In case Yuji needs to get away from him for a while without feeling obligated to return quickly. He gets it. ]
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The easy smile hurts too, differently.
Yuji slips out of the room now that he's allowed, moving to make his way to the bedroom Suguru had given him, with his own little en suite bathroom. It was meant to be for when he wanted to be alone, if he needed distance from his dominant, a little autonomy, but he had rarely made use of it - he had Suguru's bath, Suguru's bed, Suguru's arms around him when he wanted them... Luring him into a sense of false happiness, falsehoods, while they waited for their time together to tick away, until the moment he'd be sent away for good.
What else should he have expected? To stay here forever, and be happy? This was a reprieve, a break from the nightmare that had been his life before, the centre leaving him with someone who would be kind enough with the knowledge it would give them time to find someone else. Maybe they were afraid that he would tell people, or that he'd do something to get them into trouble, or something like that, as if he would. He knows better than to open his mouth and get someone else into trouble, especially when Mahito still has many friends.
In the bathroom, he sets the tub running with as many bubbles as he dares to put in, a childish spark of enjoyment, before he rinses off and sinks in. It's only when he's almost nose deep in the too-hot water, burning his skin a bright pink, that he lets himself cry, the tears rolling down his face and staining him, sticky with the grief of them, the way it makes him feel like there's a lump in his throat and a knife in his chest.
It's not long before he's sobbing, pushing a hand over his mouth to muffle it, keeping himself as quiet as possible. He doesn't think that Suguru is going to check on him, not with how the scene and their conversation went, but it's not worth the risk. The last thing he wants is to cause more problems, to make Suguru feels as if he should be guilty over the way Yuji feels. As if he has to, when he has been more than kind to Yuji, when he had given more than he could've ever hoped for. He'd learned more here in a few short weeks than he ever did before, no matter how much 'training' he'd been given before.
Letting himself cry is hard, but he lets himself. Yuji is mourning, grieving the loss of what he had hoped would be happiness for a long time, what he had dared to dream of as happiness. The tears roll down his cheeks as he sinks lower and lower into the water, until he submerges himself to try and wash the tears away completely. He doesn't want this, he doesn't - want to feel this way. He was so sick of feeling sad.
By the time he's done the water is freezing cold, and he's shivering a little, barely doing anything to actually feel better other than the catharsis of tears. Shaking, Yuji pushes himself out of the bath and makes his way over to dry off, staring at the barely-touched room he's been given. He'll need to distance himself properly, won't he? No more sleeping together. No more kissing him tenderly between scenes, no more trying to get those rare, soft smiles. He can't do it, not if Suguru is going to give him away. He can't love someone who's going to let him go like that.
Hovering by the door, surprised at the fact that it seems to have been hours since he left Suguru's side, Yuji slips out of the room and starts to walk through the house. Does he want to find his dominant? He's not sure, but... He'll be punished if he doesn't eat something, especially after the emotional whiplash of having to use his safeword and being told he's not worth keeping. He has to eat, or he'll get in trouble, and he can't deal with that right now.
Peeking his head into the kitchen, he looks around nervously, as if he was the young boy who had first been dropped off here weeks before. ]
... Suguru-san? Did I miss dinner?
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Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
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[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
I'll finish off the dishes as well.
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