[ It's not exactly the response Yuji was expecting.
Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
[ Yuji’s response is, unfortunately, indicative of the entire conundrum for Suguru. He doesn’t consider himself “good” or worthy of the pedestal that his position and society has carved out for him. He can’t even be a “good” dominant content with being fortunate enough to hold a place where he isn’t traded like human chattel as a sacrifice on the altar of a perfectly peaceful world.
He should be grateful, shouldn’t he? ]
That’s a kind assessment, if not an accurate one. The truth is a bit uglier.
[ As it often is.
But rather than a cutting correction, Suguru just sounds… tired. ]
The truth is that I despise this world, Yuji. I hate every expectation inherent in how we live and the structure it exists under. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to participate, but. [ He gives a small shrug. ]
Not accepting placements would mean prison, and I happen to enjoy enough of my life that I would rather skirt by while drawing as little attention to myself as possible. [ And trying to make a difference, however small, for the subs that stay in his home. He can’t promise them permanence, because that’s fair to no one, but he can show compassion and offer a blueprint to less suffering.
But that’s not the same thing as falling in love.
Brushing his fingers absently through Yuji’s hair, Suguru’s gaze drifts towards a point on the far wall, unfocused and a little distant. ]
I return all my placements because I am a poor fit for anyone. All this— anger, hate, I don’t think I have room in my heart for anything else.
And no submissive should suffer for that. [ That’s Suguru’s responsibility, just like all the other requirements of a dominant. ]
[ Yuji isn't entirely sure how to process those words, but one thing hovers on the edge of his mind, making him slip further away from Suguru in his mind, settling into a kind of grief that he's not sure how to process or deal with - I return all my placements. He just wants to skirt by, he doesn't want anything permanent, and it makes Yuji almost wheeze with the way that it makes him feel inside, though he swallows it back and forces himself to hide it as best he can.
It doesn't matter how good he is, then, does it?
If Suguru sends back all his submissive partners, then it doesn't matter if Yuji works hard to be good, if he pushes to relearn his own limits, if he works through the damage done by his previous dominant. None of it will matter in the long run, because Suguru is going to send him back when the time is up. He remembers the lady from the centre telling him that Suguru had a good reputation, that he took care of his submissives, and Megumi telling him that it was usually six or so months before he moved on...
He has barely any time left, now. It won't be any time until he's sent back, and he has no idea where he might end up after this. Another Suguru? Another Mahito?
Leaning forward, he rests his forehead on Suguru's shoulder, hoping he takes his grief and hurt as a side effect of the scene ending how it did rather than from his confession. Yuji is just a responsibility for him, a way to stay out of prison, to make sure that he can enjoy the rest of his life... Does he even enjoy being together with him? Is all the praise false and pretend, something to keep Yuji happy and content until they're separated?
It makes him hurt, but he squashes it. He can cry later, when he's not curled up with someone he was falling in love with. ]
I get it. This world isn't the kindest.
[ Yuji knows that personally, after all, doesn't he?
Leaning back, he tries to put on a little smile. ]
Is it okay if I have a shower or a bath? I... I think it'll help me feel better.
[ This world isn’t the kindest, and Suguru finds himself perpetuating that all over again with a boy who’s seen nothing but the cruelty of their society. Here he is bemoaning the privilege of his position, a role that allows him to own property and hold a job, while Yuji has no such agency. He doesn’t even get to choose when he moves from one dominant to the next, unlike Suguru, who has full control over how long someone stays in his home.
Suguru should have listened to his instincts that told him now was a bad time for this discussion. (If there’s ever such a thing as a good time.) But better that Yuji understand Suguru’s position than keep telling himself that he has to reach some random measure of success to be accepted – when the truth is that Suguru never plans to accept anyone. His own protest against the system.
But this might be the first time he’s really considered the collateral damage for the submissives in Suguru’s personal vendetta against their society. He always thought he was doing them a favor by providing a temporary runway of safety, somewhere to touchdown and recenter before returning to the formal reality of their world.
Has he just been participating anyway? Have his attempts to buck the system instead shackled him into its constant consumption of human commodities?
Fuck.
After so long with Yuji, it’s impossible to ignore his body language, that attempt at a smile – even if Suguru isn’t sure what to make of it, not fully. ]
… Of course. [ Like he’d say no to that. ] Would you like me to join you?
[ The idea of Suguru continuing to touch him right now makes Yuji feel uncomfortable for the first time since he had arrived in his home, his skin feeling an odd sense of coolness: coming down from the panic has left him feeling a little numb anyway, but having his worries so easily confirmed is pushing to a sadness he doesn't want to dwell on right now.
The last few weeks, Yuji has been working so hard, pushing, for a pointless endeavour. For something he's never going to get to have, because that's not what Suguru wants. There's no way anything Yuji does will change that, because Yuji knows, without having to think too hard, that he's not the kind of person who is special enough to make someone change their entire world view. He can't make Suguru love him.
Shifting back on Suguru's lap, Yuji leans up to kiss his forehead gently - a familiar motion, one he does a lot when he's about to leave, when they're separating from one another, a little dose of affection that he can't resist. It chills him to think that, in reality, this is affection that Suguru doesn't want, that they're not going to fall into romantic entanglement, and he makes a mental note to stop doing it. They're not dating.
They're tied together by law and red tape, not by a red string.
Slowly, he wiggles off his dominant's lap and steps away to where he left his dressing gown earlier, tugging it on and tying the knot around his waist, turning back to look at Suguru with a slightly brighter smile. A bath is an appealing concept, even if he feels as if his heart has been torn out of his chest a little. It's been a double-hit to his emotional stability today, and he doesn't want to break down here. Not again.
Yuji has to tuck that side of himself away. ]
I just want to wash, so maybe next time. Sorry, Suguru.
[ The silence is more of an answer than words would have been. Of course that wasn’t what Yuji wanted to hear – and it’s far from the first time Suguru has disappointed someone with the core of himself. It just usually comes much sooner, in the early stages when Suguru is clear that he isn’t looking for a permanent submissive, but maybe he wasn’t concise in his communication; maybe he didn’t impress upon Yuji that there was no external goal for him to reach. This has always been because of Suguru, never the people he’s been assigned.
This is just the first time Suguru has stopped to wonder the impact that has on the submissives in his care, instead of simply assuming that the relief of a painless placement was more ideal than making real effort to connect with his submissives. Is his own rage and grief blinding him to carnage he contributes by discarding entire human beings?
It’s also the first time such an obvious retraction has… hurt? Suguru doesn’t usually care enough about the effect his beliefs might have on someone else; it’s unavoidable, sometimes, so a variety of reactions are understandable, in his mind. But he usually doesn’t care if his honesty leaves fallout in its wake. Often, it’s easier that way, disabuse someone of their illusions of him early, but— Suguru had been so caught in fantasy with Yuji. Comfort, affection, connection. Things he took for granted without considering the looming deadline for the submissive. Suguru isn’t the one at risk of losing his home, his sense of security, or the vague hint of autonomy that a dominant like him offers. Suguru lost sight of the chasm that separates him from Yuji – and hating that reality doesn’t diminish it.
Neither does ignoring it.
But, a small part of Suguru reasons, maybe this is better. Maybe Yuji will find a better dominant, one who can fully revel in what a good boy he is, how eagerly he wants to please, without the dark shadow of a personal hatred clouding such a gift. Maybe Suguru was the one playing pretend by giving Yuji pieces of himself without a thought to how much harder that might make separating. Maybe Suguru should have known better; he’s the dominant, after all. Things like this are his responsibility.
The false levity in Yuji’s voice hits Suguru’s ear like a sharp note played off-key, that smile a crack in concrete spidering across Yuji’s face. But rather than allow a slip in the mask, Suguru offers him a serene smile, all that grief tied down with iron pegs and steel chains. ]
Of course, Yuji.
[ No drop in his tone. No dismay as he rises to his feet. He starts to gather the remains of his shredded rope, adding, ]
Take as much time as you like.
[ In case Yuji needs to get away from him for a while without feeling obligated to return quickly. He gets it. ]
Yuji slips out of the room now that he's allowed, moving to make his way to the bedroom Suguru had given him, with his own little en suite bathroom. It was meant to be for when he wanted to be alone, if he needed distance from his dominant, a little autonomy, but he had rarely made use of it - he had Suguru's bath, Suguru's bed, Suguru's arms around him when he wanted them... Luring him into a sense of false happiness, falsehoods, while they waited for their time together to tick away, until the moment he'd be sent away for good.
What else should he have expected? To stay here forever, and be happy? This was a reprieve, a break from the nightmare that had been his life before, the centre leaving him with someone who would be kind enough with the knowledge it would give them time to find someone else. Maybe they were afraid that he would tell people, or that he'd do something to get them into trouble, or something like that, as if he would. He knows better than to open his mouth and get someone else into trouble, especially when Mahito still has many friends.
In the bathroom, he sets the tub running with as many bubbles as he dares to put in, a childish spark of enjoyment, before he rinses off and sinks in. It's only when he's almost nose deep in the too-hot water, burning his skin a bright pink, that he lets himself cry, the tears rolling down his face and staining him, sticky with the grief of them, the way it makes him feel like there's a lump in his throat and a knife in his chest.
It's not long before he's sobbing, pushing a hand over his mouth to muffle it, keeping himself as quiet as possible. He doesn't think that Suguru is going to check on him, not with how the scene and their conversation went, but it's not worth the risk. The last thing he wants is to cause more problems, to make Suguru feels as if he should be guilty over the way Yuji feels. As if he has to, when he has been more than kind to Yuji, when he had given more than he could've ever hoped for. He'd learned more here in a few short weeks than he ever did before, no matter how much 'training' he'd been given before.
Letting himself cry is hard, but he lets himself. Yuji is mourning, grieving the loss of what he had hoped would be happiness for a long time, what he had dared to dream of as happiness. The tears roll down his cheeks as he sinks lower and lower into the water, until he submerges himself to try and wash the tears away completely. He doesn't want this, he doesn't - want to feel this way. He was so sick of feeling sad.
By the time he's done the water is freezing cold, and he's shivering a little, barely doing anything to actually feel better other than the catharsis of tears. Shaking, Yuji pushes himself out of the bath and makes his way over to dry off, staring at the barely-touched room he's been given. He'll need to distance himself properly, won't he? No more sleeping together. No more kissing him tenderly between scenes, no more trying to get those rare, soft smiles. He can't do it, not if Suguru is going to give him away. He can't love someone who's going to let him go like that.
Hovering by the door, surprised at the fact that it seems to have been hours since he left Suguru's side, Yuji slips out of the room and starts to walk through the house. Does he want to find his dominant? He's not sure, but... He'll be punished if he doesn't eat something, especially after the emotional whiplash of having to use his safeword and being told he's not worth keeping. He has to eat, or he'll get in trouble, and he can't deal with that right now.
Peeking his head into the kitchen, he looks around nervously, as if he was the young boy who had first been dropped off here weeks before. ]
[ The minutes without Yuji are shockingly— poignant. Noticeable. They've spent plenty of time apart since Yuji came to live with Suguru, but not when they were both home together. When they were both at the house, they were practically glued to each other – and not because of Yuji; Suguru reveled in the time, too. He actively sought out Yuji's company, looked to be close, rather than simply tolerating his presence.
Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
[ It's enough of a dismissal that Suguru is momentarily startled. He's not sure what he expected, if he thought Yuji would simply reappear at his elbow like everything is the same – when it clearly isn't. A small, quiet "oh" escapes Suguru on an exhale before he can silence it, but he recovers quickly. Clearing his throat, he sets the towel aside so he doesn't wring it between his hands. ]
If you like.
[ He'll... find somewhere else to be? He's not used to feeling out of place in his own house, but he suddenly doesn't know what to do with himself. ]
I'll be... [ Fucking where? ] ... I'm going to work out, if you need me.
[ Maybe physically pushing his body will give him some mental clarity – or at least allow him to exhaust the roiling tension that's only built steadily since they first started negotiating their scene for the day. He was concerned about potential outcomes, but for some reason, this wasn't on the list he mentally referenced during risk evaluation.
Excusing himself to give Yuji some space, Suguru brushes his fingertips over the submissive's shoulder when he walks past – gentle enough that Yuji has the space to recoil, if he doesn't want to be touched – before heading for his room to change. ]
[ Yuji's eyes trail after Suguru as he moves, drinking him in as if he's going to disappear - as if he would see Suguru crumble into dust at the lightest touch. It's painfully, feeling this sudden gaping distance between them, an ache in his heart that numbs his desire to eat all the more. He has to try, though, because the last thing he needs right now is a punishment: thus far Suguru hasn't had to enforce it, Yuji too content at trying to please him to need it, but...
Bowing his head, he blinks back his emotions, lifting himself up to go and get his food and start to blast it in the microwave so he can eat.
The gentle touch to his shoulder has him stopping in his tracks, though, and he turns his head to look at Suguru. He doesn't flinch, doesn't do anything except tilt his head just enough that he can lean into the touch, let himself bask in the softness of the check in, the knowledge that Suguru will continue to do his job and fulfil his role as best he can.
Yuji will do the same. He will get on his knees, he'll touch this man, kiss him and cherish their time together, will please him and make sure he is the best submissive he can be, but he will stop himself from loving Suguru. It's a mantra in his head: no more kisses, no more touches, no more sharing a bed. No more kisses. No more touches. No more sharing a bed.
It's breaking his heart. ]
I... I already set it up the way you like it...
[ But Suguru is gone, and Yuji can't do much more than take his now too hot food and sit with it, until he manages half and scrapes the rest away. You can't reheat it more than once, so...
Rather than going to Suguru's room, as he might usually do, he goes back to the main lounge and curls up on the floor in front of the couch, leaning into it as he might do if Suguru was there. It makes him feel a little better, more grounded, and the tightness in his chest seems to alleviate, just a little. Enough that the tension bleeds out of his shoulders and he relaxes. ]
[ Suguru spends a full hour on his grueling workout. He hopes it'll help him focus less on the tangled mess of emotion that's left him weirdly reeling since Yuji abruptly excused himself after their failure of a scene. It doesn't help him stop thinking, but the anxiety (if that's what it is?) finally abates enough that it doesn't feel like his ribs are three sizes too small.
Suguru showers, washes away the sweat and prickling discomfort on his skin, his wet hair simply tied up and out of the way when he returns. He has to walk through the front lounge to get back to his room, about to walk right past Yuji until he realizes that his sub is there, on the floor by himself. Catching himself midstep, Suguru hovers in the doorway. ]
... Yuji? Are you coming to bed?
[ He's used to returning from a workout or an errand in the evening to find Yuji already settling in, comfortable and waiting for Suguru to come back. Now, Yuji is just sitting there. ]
[ Time seems to slip away from him again, and Yuji doesn't realise how long he's been sitting until Suguru's voice breaks the silence, and he turns his head to gaze at him. He looks so soft like this, hair tied up, changed into warm sleepwear ready to get into bed. It makes Yuji's heart warm with an intensity he can't quite place, wanting nothing more than to get up and wrap his arms around him, to confirm that of course they're going to go to bed and cuddle one another, to curl up and enjoy the warmth of another body beside him.
He moves to stand up, but winces, his knees numb from where he's been kneeling. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he blinks at another loss of an hour or so, leaning down to rub at his legs. Ouch... No pillow, no Suguru to focus on, nothing but his own grief and sadness making him feel a little unsure of himself before he licks his lips and rubs the back of his head. ]
Yeah... That's probably a good idea. I did the chores, so...
[ It's awkward, isn't it? He's not sure if he wants to crawl into Suguru's bed and feel the weight of never given promises or if he wants to make the situation worse and clamber into his own, to feel more of his mouthing, to hope that he can wake up in the morning and feel better.
In the end, the temptation to be close to this man is too big to ignore, and he smiles, fingers twitching. He'd offer out his hand, but it doesn't feel right to do so. No more touches.
No more sharing a bed. Failing at the first hurdle, huh. ]
Let's go.
[ Smile soft, a little more genuine, he leads the way to Suguru's room, slipping through the door and heading to 'his' side of the bed. ]
[ Suguru is so used to idly hanging off of Yuji, easy affection and physical contact that Suguru didn't usually seek with others – outside of Satoru, at least. Suguru has never been a particularly clingy person, but his relationship and friendship with Satoru left him wanting from a much younger age. With Yuji, it feels like second nature to reach out and touch him. Except today, apparently, because the oddness of Yuji perfunctorily walking ahead of him and going through the motions leaves Suguru off-kilter. He's so used to responding in kind, but he's never learned this dance before.
Taking his own side of the bed, like it's the most natural thing in the world, Suguru slides under the covers, rolling onto his hip to watch Yuji. He wants to reach out and drag the boy close, like he always does, but he feels— less like he has that right.
An odd experience for a dominant.
Instead of presumptuously gathering Yuji into his arms, Suguru reaches out across the space between them, fingertips brushing over Yuji's cheek. ]
... I'm sorry about today. [ Suguru has to admit that he's not entirely sure he can articulate what changed or how, but he knows that it did. And that's his responsibility. ]
[ Yuji sits on the bed, toeing off his socks and reaching to throw them at the laundry basket, only hesitating briefly. He doesn't know what to do with himself, with his new confusing feelings, his inability to give himself what he wants, and it truly is a denial. It really is as though someone has given him a breath of life and then taken him aside and then thrown him into a cold, isolated room.
Forcing himself to suffer this new distance isn't as bad as it was before, with his previous household, but the grief feels stronger. He had thought... But he had thought wrong. He shouldn't have ever let himself feel that kind of hopeful, not when he had already learned that isn't how this world works for submissives.
Eventually, he gets himself into the bed, curling a little and tugging the blanket over his body before there's a hand on his skin and Suguru is speaking. Lifting his gaze, Yuji shakes his head, his own hand lifting to brush gently over his dominant's knuckle. ]
It's okay. I pushed myself to my limits, and maybe I should have known better. I'll know for next time.
[ Because he's going to keep pushing himself. Suguru might not want him, but he'll have to prove himself to his next dominant somehow. ]
[ Suguru is a little surprised when Yuji reaches up to touch his hand in return; he was partially expecting Yuji to retreat with how far he’s settled on the bed. It’s habit just to sleep with Yuji in his arms, at this point, but that’s usually because Yuji wiggles into his space like an overeager puppy most evenings; he was far more tentative when he first arrived, like he’s acting now. Suguru is too vigilant in all things to miss the obvious shift in Yuji’s behavior, but he’s not sure how to classify it – or how to choose his next steps because of it.
His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
Mm... It might be okay, if it's just one at once. I know you like both of them, so I don't want it to be like you're giving something up when I can handle the situation if it's a little different.
[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
[ A very reasonable solution from Yuji – good negotiation technique that he’ll need with any dominant. (Because Yuji will have other dominants after him, right? That’s been the plan from the beginning, so… that hasn’t changed, has it?)
Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
It's okay, Suguru-san. Neither of us expected that kind of response from me... I didn't even think about it until it was too late, so some of the blame is mine, too.
[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
[ Suguru feels the gap left between them when Yuji’s hand retracts, even if he’s just as baffled by why he notices. His other subs all stayed in their own room, most nights, but he’d effortlessly fallen into a routine of affection and comfort with Yuji. He didn’t notice it was happening until… it suddenly isn’t. Even his name sounds different now, the honorific so out of place when they aren’t doing something formal.
Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
[ Yuji's body shifts, adjusting so he's sitting cross-legged, turning his body to face Suguru's a little. It's clear that he's giving it a lot of thought, trying his best to let his mind turn the question over and over before he sighs softly. ]
Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
[ Suguru props himself up on his elbow as he watches Yuji, giving him the time to think over his answer. Suguru is glad that Yuji is actually considering this, because it's crucial information and an important skill in healthy power exchange. ]
In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
I didn't even know it was something I was allowed to do before, so I guess this is improvement.
[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
[ Suguru shakes his head, adamant. Even if Yuji is doing... whatever this is right now, Suguru wants to be clear with him. ]
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
It wasn't a mistake. It was a risk, one I chose to take.
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
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Whenever he's spoken up in the past, he had received scolding, harsh words, a little bitter in the way that he's treated, and it hurts him now to think too long and hard about. His body is an echo of those conversations, little marks and divots in his skin where hands and teeth and other less pleasant tools have been, and he wonders... He wonders if he'll end up somewhere like that again. If being with Suguru was just a reprieve...
These are memories he would hold on to, in the darker times, when he is feeling weakest and most vulnerable.
It's not as if he expects anything more from Suguru. He knows how this world works: if Suguru is bored with him, or sick of him, or simply no longer wants him, he can be sent away, like a rental car. It doesn't upset him in a way that it should, it doesn't make him feel anything more than a strangeness numbness, all twisted up with the fear and panic and upset of having to use his safe word. He shouldn't have said anything, he should've kept his stupid mouth shut, but they're here now.
The blame is all on his shoulders, and Yuji blinks back his tears as he shakes his head, shivering a little under the gentle weight of Suguru's attention. He has to answer: his dominant asked him a question. ]
You're good, Suguru. I can't imagine it being your fault.
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He should be grateful, shouldn’t he? ]
That’s a kind assessment, if not an accurate one. The truth is a bit uglier.
[ As it often is.
But rather than a cutting correction, Suguru just sounds… tired. ]
The truth is that I despise this world, Yuji. I hate every expectation inherent in how we live and the structure it exists under. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to participate, but. [ He gives a small shrug. ]
Not accepting placements would mean prison, and I happen to enjoy enough of my life that I would rather skirt by while drawing as little attention to myself as possible. [ And trying to make a difference, however small, for the subs that stay in his home. He can’t promise them permanence, because that’s fair to no one, but he can show compassion and offer a blueprint to less suffering.
But that’s not the same thing as falling in love.
Brushing his fingers absently through Yuji’s hair, Suguru’s gaze drifts towards a point on the far wall, unfocused and a little distant. ]
I return all my placements because I am a poor fit for anyone. All this— anger, hate, I don’t think I have room in my heart for anything else.
And no submissive should suffer for that. [ That’s Suguru’s responsibility, just like all the other requirements of a dominant. ]
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It doesn't matter how good he is, then, does it?
If Suguru sends back all his submissive partners, then it doesn't matter if Yuji works hard to be good, if he pushes to relearn his own limits, if he works through the damage done by his previous dominant. None of it will matter in the long run, because Suguru is going to send him back when the time is up. He remembers the lady from the centre telling him that Suguru had a good reputation, that he took care of his submissives, and Megumi telling him that it was usually six or so months before he moved on...
He has barely any time left, now. It won't be any time until he's sent back, and he has no idea where he might end up after this. Another Suguru? Another Mahito?
Leaning forward, he rests his forehead on Suguru's shoulder, hoping he takes his grief and hurt as a side effect of the scene ending how it did rather than from his confession. Yuji is just a responsibility for him, a way to stay out of prison, to make sure that he can enjoy the rest of his life... Does he even enjoy being together with him? Is all the praise false and pretend, something to keep Yuji happy and content until they're separated?
It makes him hurt, but he squashes it. He can cry later, when he's not curled up with someone he was falling in love with. ]
I get it. This world isn't the kindest.
[ Yuji knows that personally, after all, doesn't he?
Leaning back, he tries to put on a little smile. ]
Is it okay if I have a shower or a bath? I... I think it'll help me feel better.
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Suguru should have listened to his instincts that told him now was a bad time for this discussion. (If there’s ever such a thing as a good time.) But better that Yuji understand Suguru’s position than keep telling himself that he has to reach some random measure of success to be accepted – when the truth is that Suguru never plans to accept anyone. His own protest against the system.
But this might be the first time he’s really considered the collateral damage for the submissives in Suguru’s personal vendetta against their society. He always thought he was doing them a favor by providing a temporary runway of safety, somewhere to touchdown and recenter before returning to the formal reality of their world.
Has he just been participating anyway? Have his attempts to buck the system instead shackled him into its constant consumption of human commodities?
Fuck.
After so long with Yuji, it’s impossible to ignore his body language, that attempt at a smile – even if Suguru isn’t sure what to make of it, not fully. ]
… Of course. [ Like he’d say no to that. ] Would you like me to join you?
[ Yuji didn’t say “can we shower?” after all. ]
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The last few weeks, Yuji has been working so hard, pushing, for a pointless endeavour. For something he's never going to get to have, because that's not what Suguru wants. There's no way anything Yuji does will change that, because Yuji knows, without having to think too hard, that he's not the kind of person who is special enough to make someone change their entire world view. He can't make Suguru love him.
Shifting back on Suguru's lap, Yuji leans up to kiss his forehead gently - a familiar motion, one he does a lot when he's about to leave, when they're separating from one another, a little dose of affection that he can't resist. It chills him to think that, in reality, this is affection that Suguru doesn't want, that they're not going to fall into romantic entanglement, and he makes a mental note to stop doing it. They're not dating.
They're tied together by law and red tape, not by a red string.
Slowly, he wiggles off his dominant's lap and steps away to where he left his dressing gown earlier, tugging it on and tying the knot around his waist, turning back to look at Suguru with a slightly brighter smile. A bath is an appealing concept, even if he feels as if his heart has been torn out of his chest a little. It's been a double-hit to his emotional stability today, and he doesn't want to break down here. Not again.
Yuji has to tuck that side of himself away. ]
I just want to wash, so maybe next time. Sorry, Suguru.
[ A little wave, head tilted. ]
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This is just the first time Suguru has stopped to wonder the impact that has on the submissives in his care, instead of simply assuming that the relief of a painless placement was more ideal than making real effort to connect with his submissives. Is his own rage and grief blinding him to carnage he contributes by discarding entire human beings?
It’s also the first time such an obvious retraction has… hurt? Suguru doesn’t usually care enough about the effect his beliefs might have on someone else; it’s unavoidable, sometimes, so a variety of reactions are understandable, in his mind. But he usually doesn’t care if his honesty leaves fallout in its wake. Often, it’s easier that way, disabuse someone of their illusions of him early, but— Suguru had been so caught in fantasy with Yuji. Comfort, affection, connection. Things he took for granted without considering the looming deadline for the submissive. Suguru isn’t the one at risk of losing his home, his sense of security, or the vague hint of autonomy that a dominant like him offers. Suguru lost sight of the chasm that separates him from Yuji – and hating that reality doesn’t diminish it.
Neither does ignoring it.
But, a small part of Suguru reasons, maybe this is better. Maybe Yuji will find a better dominant, one who can fully revel in what a good boy he is, how eagerly he wants to please, without the dark shadow of a personal hatred clouding such a gift. Maybe Suguru was the one playing pretend by giving Yuji pieces of himself without a thought to how much harder that might make separating. Maybe Suguru should have known better; he’s the dominant, after all. Things like this are his responsibility.
The false levity in Yuji’s voice hits Suguru’s ear like a sharp note played off-key, that smile a crack in concrete spidering across Yuji’s face. But rather than allow a slip in the mask, Suguru offers him a serene smile, all that grief tied down with iron pegs and steel chains. ]
Of course, Yuji.
[ No drop in his tone. No dismay as he rises to his feet. He starts to gather the remains of his shredded rope, adding, ]
Take as much time as you like.
[ In case Yuji needs to get away from him for a while without feeling obligated to return quickly. He gets it. ]
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The easy smile hurts too, differently.
Yuji slips out of the room now that he's allowed, moving to make his way to the bedroom Suguru had given him, with his own little en suite bathroom. It was meant to be for when he wanted to be alone, if he needed distance from his dominant, a little autonomy, but he had rarely made use of it - he had Suguru's bath, Suguru's bed, Suguru's arms around him when he wanted them... Luring him into a sense of false happiness, falsehoods, while they waited for their time together to tick away, until the moment he'd be sent away for good.
What else should he have expected? To stay here forever, and be happy? This was a reprieve, a break from the nightmare that had been his life before, the centre leaving him with someone who would be kind enough with the knowledge it would give them time to find someone else. Maybe they were afraid that he would tell people, or that he'd do something to get them into trouble, or something like that, as if he would. He knows better than to open his mouth and get someone else into trouble, especially when Mahito still has many friends.
In the bathroom, he sets the tub running with as many bubbles as he dares to put in, a childish spark of enjoyment, before he rinses off and sinks in. It's only when he's almost nose deep in the too-hot water, burning his skin a bright pink, that he lets himself cry, the tears rolling down his face and staining him, sticky with the grief of them, the way it makes him feel like there's a lump in his throat and a knife in his chest.
It's not long before he's sobbing, pushing a hand over his mouth to muffle it, keeping himself as quiet as possible. He doesn't think that Suguru is going to check on him, not with how the scene and their conversation went, but it's not worth the risk. The last thing he wants is to cause more problems, to make Suguru feels as if he should be guilty over the way Yuji feels. As if he has to, when he has been more than kind to Yuji, when he had given more than he could've ever hoped for. He'd learned more here in a few short weeks than he ever did before, no matter how much 'training' he'd been given before.
Letting himself cry is hard, but he lets himself. Yuji is mourning, grieving the loss of what he had hoped would be happiness for a long time, what he had dared to dream of as happiness. The tears roll down his cheeks as he sinks lower and lower into the water, until he submerges himself to try and wash the tears away completely. He doesn't want this, he doesn't - want to feel this way. He was so sick of feeling sad.
By the time he's done the water is freezing cold, and he's shivering a little, barely doing anything to actually feel better other than the catharsis of tears. Shaking, Yuji pushes himself out of the bath and makes his way over to dry off, staring at the barely-touched room he's been given. He'll need to distance himself properly, won't he? No more sleeping together. No more kissing him tenderly between scenes, no more trying to get those rare, soft smiles. He can't do it, not if Suguru is going to give him away. He can't love someone who's going to let him go like that.
Hovering by the door, surprised at the fact that it seems to have been hours since he left Suguru's side, Yuji slips out of the room and starts to walk through the house. Does he want to find his dominant? He's not sure, but... He'll be punished if he doesn't eat something, especially after the emotional whiplash of having to use his safeword and being told he's not worth keeping. He has to eat, or he'll get in trouble, and he can't deal with that right now.
Peeking his head into the kitchen, he looks around nervously, as if he was the young boy who had first been dropped off here weeks before. ]
... Suguru-san? Did I miss dinner?
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Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
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[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
I'll finish off the dishes as well.
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If you like.
[ He'll... find somewhere else to be? He's not used to feeling out of place in his own house, but he suddenly doesn't know what to do with himself. ]
I'll be... [ Fucking where? ] ... I'm going to work out, if you need me.
[ Maybe physically pushing his body will give him some mental clarity – or at least allow him to exhaust the roiling tension that's only built steadily since they first started negotiating their scene for the day. He was concerned about potential outcomes, but for some reason, this wasn't on the list he mentally referenced during risk evaluation.
Excusing himself to give Yuji some space, Suguru brushes his fingertips over the submissive's shoulder when he walks past – gentle enough that Yuji has the space to recoil, if he doesn't want to be touched – before heading for his room to change. ]
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Bowing his head, he blinks back his emotions, lifting himself up to go and get his food and start to blast it in the microwave so he can eat.
The gentle touch to his shoulder has him stopping in his tracks, though, and he turns his head to look at Suguru. He doesn't flinch, doesn't do anything except tilt his head just enough that he can lean into the touch, let himself bask in the softness of the check in, the knowledge that Suguru will continue to do his job and fulfil his role as best he can.
Yuji will do the same. He will get on his knees, he'll touch this man, kiss him and cherish their time together, will please him and make sure he is the best submissive he can be, but he will stop himself from loving Suguru. It's a mantra in his head: no more kisses, no more touches, no more sharing a bed. No more kisses. No more touches. No more sharing a bed.
It's breaking his heart. ]
I... I already set it up the way you like it...
[ But Suguru is gone, and Yuji can't do much more than take his now too hot food and sit with it, until he manages half and scrapes the rest away. You can't reheat it more than once, so...
Rather than going to Suguru's room, as he might usually do, he goes back to the main lounge and curls up on the floor in front of the couch, leaning into it as he might do if Suguru was there. It makes him feel a little better, more grounded, and the tightness in his chest seems to alleviate, just a little. Enough that the tension bleeds out of his shoulders and he relaxes. ]
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Suguru showers, washes away the sweat and prickling discomfort on his skin, his wet hair simply tied up and out of the way when he returns. He has to walk through the front lounge to get back to his room, about to walk right past Yuji until he realizes that his sub is there, on the floor by himself. Catching himself midstep, Suguru hovers in the doorway. ]
... Yuji? Are you coming to bed?
[ He's used to returning from a workout or an errand in the evening to find Yuji already settling in, comfortable and waiting for Suguru to come back. Now, Yuji is just sitting there. ]
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He moves to stand up, but winces, his knees numb from where he's been kneeling. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he blinks at another loss of an hour or so, leaning down to rub at his legs. Ouch... No pillow, no Suguru to focus on, nothing but his own grief and sadness making him feel a little unsure of himself before he licks his lips and rubs the back of his head. ]
Yeah... That's probably a good idea. I did the chores, so...
[ It's awkward, isn't it? He's not sure if he wants to crawl into Suguru's bed and feel the weight of never given promises or if he wants to make the situation worse and clamber into his own, to feel more of his mouthing, to hope that he can wake up in the morning and feel better.
In the end, the temptation to be close to this man is too big to ignore, and he smiles, fingers twitching. He'd offer out his hand, but it doesn't feel right to do so. No more touches.
No more sharing a bed. Failing at the first hurdle, huh. ]
Let's go.
[ Smile soft, a little more genuine, he leads the way to Suguru's room, slipping through the door and heading to 'his' side of the bed. ]
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Taking his own side of the bed, like it's the most natural thing in the world, Suguru slides under the covers, rolling onto his hip to watch Yuji. He wants to reach out and drag the boy close, like he always does, but he feels— less like he has that right.
An odd experience for a dominant.
Instead of presumptuously gathering Yuji into his arms, Suguru reaches out across the space between them, fingertips brushing over Yuji's cheek. ]
... I'm sorry about today. [ Suguru has to admit that he's not entirely sure he can articulate what changed or how, but he knows that it did. And that's his responsibility. ]
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Forcing himself to suffer this new distance isn't as bad as it was before, with his previous household, but the grief feels stronger. He had thought... But he had thought wrong. He shouldn't have ever let himself feel that kind of hopeful, not when he had already learned that isn't how this world works for submissives.
Eventually, he gets himself into the bed, curling a little and tugging the blanket over his body before there's a hand on his skin and Suguru is speaking. Lifting his gaze, Yuji shakes his head, his own hand lifting to brush gently over his dominant's knuckle. ]
It's okay. I pushed myself to my limits, and maybe I should have known better. I'll know for next time.
[ Because he's going to keep pushing himself. Suguru might not want him, but he'll have to prove himself to his next dominant somehow. ]
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His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
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[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
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Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
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[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
I'll be okay.
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Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
How did it feel using the safeword?
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Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
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In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
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[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
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It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
Mistakes happen, and I'm just as capable of them.
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[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
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