[ The minutes without Yuji are shockingly— poignant. Noticeable. They've spent plenty of time apart since Yuji came to live with Suguru, but not when they were both home together. When they were both at the house, they were practically glued to each other – and not because of Yuji; Suguru reveled in the time, too. He actively sought out Yuji's company, looked to be close, rather than simply tolerating his presence.
Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
[ It's enough of a dismissal that Suguru is momentarily startled. He's not sure what he expected, if he thought Yuji would simply reappear at his elbow like everything is the same – when it clearly isn't. A small, quiet "oh" escapes Suguru on an exhale before he can silence it, but he recovers quickly. Clearing his throat, he sets the towel aside so he doesn't wring it between his hands. ]
If you like.
[ He'll... find somewhere else to be? He's not used to feeling out of place in his own house, but he suddenly doesn't know what to do with himself. ]
I'll be... [ Fucking where? ] ... I'm going to work out, if you need me.
[ Maybe physically pushing his body will give him some mental clarity – or at least allow him to exhaust the roiling tension that's only built steadily since they first started negotiating their scene for the day. He was concerned about potential outcomes, but for some reason, this wasn't on the list he mentally referenced during risk evaluation.
Excusing himself to give Yuji some space, Suguru brushes his fingertips over the submissive's shoulder when he walks past – gentle enough that Yuji has the space to recoil, if he doesn't want to be touched – before heading for his room to change. ]
[ Yuji's eyes trail after Suguru as he moves, drinking him in as if he's going to disappear - as if he would see Suguru crumble into dust at the lightest touch. It's painfully, feeling this sudden gaping distance between them, an ache in his heart that numbs his desire to eat all the more. He has to try, though, because the last thing he needs right now is a punishment: thus far Suguru hasn't had to enforce it, Yuji too content at trying to please him to need it, but...
Bowing his head, he blinks back his emotions, lifting himself up to go and get his food and start to blast it in the microwave so he can eat.
The gentle touch to his shoulder has him stopping in his tracks, though, and he turns his head to look at Suguru. He doesn't flinch, doesn't do anything except tilt his head just enough that he can lean into the touch, let himself bask in the softness of the check in, the knowledge that Suguru will continue to do his job and fulfil his role as best he can.
Yuji will do the same. He will get on his knees, he'll touch this man, kiss him and cherish their time together, will please him and make sure he is the best submissive he can be, but he will stop himself from loving Suguru. It's a mantra in his head: no more kisses, no more touches, no more sharing a bed. No more kisses. No more touches. No more sharing a bed.
It's breaking his heart. ]
I... I already set it up the way you like it...
[ But Suguru is gone, and Yuji can't do much more than take his now too hot food and sit with it, until he manages half and scrapes the rest away. You can't reheat it more than once, so...
Rather than going to Suguru's room, as he might usually do, he goes back to the main lounge and curls up on the floor in front of the couch, leaning into it as he might do if Suguru was there. It makes him feel a little better, more grounded, and the tightness in his chest seems to alleviate, just a little. Enough that the tension bleeds out of his shoulders and he relaxes. ]
[ Suguru spends a full hour on his grueling workout. He hopes it'll help him focus less on the tangled mess of emotion that's left him weirdly reeling since Yuji abruptly excused himself after their failure of a scene. It doesn't help him stop thinking, but the anxiety (if that's what it is?) finally abates enough that it doesn't feel like his ribs are three sizes too small.
Suguru showers, washes away the sweat and prickling discomfort on his skin, his wet hair simply tied up and out of the way when he returns. He has to walk through the front lounge to get back to his room, about to walk right past Yuji until he realizes that his sub is there, on the floor by himself. Catching himself midstep, Suguru hovers in the doorway. ]
... Yuji? Are you coming to bed?
[ He's used to returning from a workout or an errand in the evening to find Yuji already settling in, comfortable and waiting for Suguru to come back. Now, Yuji is just sitting there. ]
[ Time seems to slip away from him again, and Yuji doesn't realise how long he's been sitting until Suguru's voice breaks the silence, and he turns his head to gaze at him. He looks so soft like this, hair tied up, changed into warm sleepwear ready to get into bed. It makes Yuji's heart warm with an intensity he can't quite place, wanting nothing more than to get up and wrap his arms around him, to confirm that of course they're going to go to bed and cuddle one another, to curl up and enjoy the warmth of another body beside him.
He moves to stand up, but winces, his knees numb from where he's been kneeling. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he blinks at another loss of an hour or so, leaning down to rub at his legs. Ouch... No pillow, no Suguru to focus on, nothing but his own grief and sadness making him feel a little unsure of himself before he licks his lips and rubs the back of his head. ]
Yeah... That's probably a good idea. I did the chores, so...
[ It's awkward, isn't it? He's not sure if he wants to crawl into Suguru's bed and feel the weight of never given promises or if he wants to make the situation worse and clamber into his own, to feel more of his mouthing, to hope that he can wake up in the morning and feel better.
In the end, the temptation to be close to this man is too big to ignore, and he smiles, fingers twitching. He'd offer out his hand, but it doesn't feel right to do so. No more touches.
No more sharing a bed. Failing at the first hurdle, huh. ]
Let's go.
[ Smile soft, a little more genuine, he leads the way to Suguru's room, slipping through the door and heading to 'his' side of the bed. ]
[ Suguru is so used to idly hanging off of Yuji, easy affection and physical contact that Suguru didn't usually seek with others – outside of Satoru, at least. Suguru has never been a particularly clingy person, but his relationship and friendship with Satoru left him wanting from a much younger age. With Yuji, it feels like second nature to reach out and touch him. Except today, apparently, because the oddness of Yuji perfunctorily walking ahead of him and going through the motions leaves Suguru off-kilter. He's so used to responding in kind, but he's never learned this dance before.
Taking his own side of the bed, like it's the most natural thing in the world, Suguru slides under the covers, rolling onto his hip to watch Yuji. He wants to reach out and drag the boy close, like he always does, but he feels— less like he has that right.
An odd experience for a dominant.
Instead of presumptuously gathering Yuji into his arms, Suguru reaches out across the space between them, fingertips brushing over Yuji's cheek. ]
... I'm sorry about today. [ Suguru has to admit that he's not entirely sure he can articulate what changed or how, but he knows that it did. And that's his responsibility. ]
[ Yuji sits on the bed, toeing off his socks and reaching to throw them at the laundry basket, only hesitating briefly. He doesn't know what to do with himself, with his new confusing feelings, his inability to give himself what he wants, and it truly is a denial. It really is as though someone has given him a breath of life and then taken him aside and then thrown him into a cold, isolated room.
Forcing himself to suffer this new distance isn't as bad as it was before, with his previous household, but the grief feels stronger. He had thought... But he had thought wrong. He shouldn't have ever let himself feel that kind of hopeful, not when he had already learned that isn't how this world works for submissives.
Eventually, he gets himself into the bed, curling a little and tugging the blanket over his body before there's a hand on his skin and Suguru is speaking. Lifting his gaze, Yuji shakes his head, his own hand lifting to brush gently over his dominant's knuckle. ]
It's okay. I pushed myself to my limits, and maybe I should have known better. I'll know for next time.
[ Because he's going to keep pushing himself. Suguru might not want him, but he'll have to prove himself to his next dominant somehow. ]
[ Suguru is a little surprised when Yuji reaches up to touch his hand in return; he was partially expecting Yuji to retreat with how far he’s settled on the bed. It’s habit just to sleep with Yuji in his arms, at this point, but that’s usually because Yuji wiggles into his space like an overeager puppy most evenings; he was far more tentative when he first arrived, like he’s acting now. Suguru is too vigilant in all things to miss the obvious shift in Yuji’s behavior, but he’s not sure how to classify it – or how to choose his next steps because of it.
His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
Mm... It might be okay, if it's just one at once. I know you like both of them, so I don't want it to be like you're giving something up when I can handle the situation if it's a little different.
[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
[ A very reasonable solution from Yuji – good negotiation technique that he’ll need with any dominant. (Because Yuji will have other dominants after him, right? That’s been the plan from the beginning, so… that hasn’t changed, has it?)
Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
It's okay, Suguru-san. Neither of us expected that kind of response from me... I didn't even think about it until it was too late, so some of the blame is mine, too.
[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
[ Suguru feels the gap left between them when Yuji’s hand retracts, even if he’s just as baffled by why he notices. His other subs all stayed in their own room, most nights, but he’d effortlessly fallen into a routine of affection and comfort with Yuji. He didn’t notice it was happening until… it suddenly isn’t. Even his name sounds different now, the honorific so out of place when they aren’t doing something formal.
Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
[ Yuji's body shifts, adjusting so he's sitting cross-legged, turning his body to face Suguru's a little. It's clear that he's giving it a lot of thought, trying his best to let his mind turn the question over and over before he sighs softly. ]
Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
[ Suguru props himself up on his elbow as he watches Yuji, giving him the time to think over his answer. Suguru is glad that Yuji is actually considering this, because it's crucial information and an important skill in healthy power exchange. ]
In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
I didn't even know it was something I was allowed to do before, so I guess this is improvement.
[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
[ Suguru shakes his head, adamant. Even if Yuji is doing... whatever this is right now, Suguru wants to be clear with him. ]
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
It wasn't a mistake. It was a risk, one I chose to take.
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
[ The flash of tension catches Suguru's eye immediately, but he isn't sure how to pin it down, define it. ]
You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
And I'm saying that it's okay. That sort of thing is normal. You should be able to leave the room for a second, and I should be okay with it. I'll... It was unexpected, not a mistake. It's not like you meant to.
[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
[ Ah, he catches Yuji's meaning now – even if Suguru still fundamentally disagrees. He doesn't fault Yuji for being overwhelmed or needing to stop; that's a perfectly normal thing for scenes, especially anything more intense. But Yuji wants to drop it, clearly further unsettled by Suguru's poking and prodding at the matter, so instead of trying to argue his own fallibility, Suguru just nods. ]
If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
[ Suguru didn't realize he was holding his breath until Yuji moves again. He wasn't sure if Yuji was going to reject the offer or not, prepared to accept whatever Yuji decided he needed, but he's shockingly relieved when Yuji settles in close. Not as close, not as intimate.
But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Suguru gets the remnants of their scene cleared away quickly, then finds himself with no clue what to do. Yuji hasn't returned, and the house feels— empty. Quiet. Painfully so.
After five minutes of sitting on the couch and staring at the spot where he and Yuji had been attempting to play before, Suguru aimlessly floats to the kitchen instead, needing— something. Anything to do with his hands. Dinner becomes the solution, and he tries to keep preparation light; he figures Yuji will be back, and feeding his submissive after such a rough scene is a pretty big priority. Just rice, miso, and the shogayaki he was planning to cook for them both.
He's quick, efficient, and it leaves him sitting at the table by himself with two servings, waiting for Yuji.
Once the food goes cold, Suguru decides to start the dishes. Maybe he'll text Yuji to let him know there's something prepared in the fridge and Suguru expects it to be eaten before the morning – one of the rare orders he'll freely give.
Yuji is so quiet when he approaches that Suguru doesn't immediately hear him over the sound of the running water and clattering of silverware. His name – the honorific – makes him immediately still because of how odd it sounds now; he's either been "Suguru" or "Daddy" for weeks.
But if that's what Yuji needs, Suguru won't question it.
Turning to greet Yuji with a smile, Suguru reaches for a dishtowel, drying his hands and leaning against the sink. ]
Not quite. I was just about to pack your meal for later, but it should be fine to reheat.
no subject
[ Not that there's anything wrong with that, or he should feel bad about it, or anything, but an explanation is due, isn't it? Suguru put in the work to make dinner alone and Yuji wasn't here to appreciate it properly, and he wasn't here to help. There have been many evenings where they've stood beside one another, chopping the ingredients and chatting idly, and this is another memory he won't be able to make last. It makes his gut twist, and any hunger he might have had dissipates.
He needs to eat, though, the gnawing in his stomach a mixture of discomfort from earlier that afternoon and a genuine hunger. It'll settle him, maybe, give his body time to focus on something other than his sadness. It'll please Suguru too, which, for all that Yuji wishes it wasn't, is still something he wants to do for all the time he has left.
Padding his way over, he takes a seat, swallowing and breathing out softly. ]
I don't mind heating it if you need to go and do something else.
[ He might still need to tidy up, he has people he speaks to sometimes, and often Gojo-san bothers him for attention in the evening... Yuji tilts his head, trying for a smile, letting it rest on his features carefully. ]
I'll finish off the dishes as well.
no subject
If you like.
[ He'll... find somewhere else to be? He's not used to feeling out of place in his own house, but he suddenly doesn't know what to do with himself. ]
I'll be... [ Fucking where? ] ... I'm going to work out, if you need me.
[ Maybe physically pushing his body will give him some mental clarity – or at least allow him to exhaust the roiling tension that's only built steadily since they first started negotiating their scene for the day. He was concerned about potential outcomes, but for some reason, this wasn't on the list he mentally referenced during risk evaluation.
Excusing himself to give Yuji some space, Suguru brushes his fingertips over the submissive's shoulder when he walks past – gentle enough that Yuji has the space to recoil, if he doesn't want to be touched – before heading for his room to change. ]
no subject
Bowing his head, he blinks back his emotions, lifting himself up to go and get his food and start to blast it in the microwave so he can eat.
The gentle touch to his shoulder has him stopping in his tracks, though, and he turns his head to look at Suguru. He doesn't flinch, doesn't do anything except tilt his head just enough that he can lean into the touch, let himself bask in the softness of the check in, the knowledge that Suguru will continue to do his job and fulfil his role as best he can.
Yuji will do the same. He will get on his knees, he'll touch this man, kiss him and cherish their time together, will please him and make sure he is the best submissive he can be, but he will stop himself from loving Suguru. It's a mantra in his head: no more kisses, no more touches, no more sharing a bed. No more kisses. No more touches. No more sharing a bed.
It's breaking his heart. ]
I... I already set it up the way you like it...
[ But Suguru is gone, and Yuji can't do much more than take his now too hot food and sit with it, until he manages half and scrapes the rest away. You can't reheat it more than once, so...
Rather than going to Suguru's room, as he might usually do, he goes back to the main lounge and curls up on the floor in front of the couch, leaning into it as he might do if Suguru was there. It makes him feel a little better, more grounded, and the tightness in his chest seems to alleviate, just a little. Enough that the tension bleeds out of his shoulders and he relaxes. ]
no subject
Suguru showers, washes away the sweat and prickling discomfort on his skin, his wet hair simply tied up and out of the way when he returns. He has to walk through the front lounge to get back to his room, about to walk right past Yuji until he realizes that his sub is there, on the floor by himself. Catching himself midstep, Suguru hovers in the doorway. ]
... Yuji? Are you coming to bed?
[ He's used to returning from a workout or an errand in the evening to find Yuji already settling in, comfortable and waiting for Suguru to come back. Now, Yuji is just sitting there. ]
no subject
He moves to stand up, but winces, his knees numb from where he's been kneeling. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he blinks at another loss of an hour or so, leaning down to rub at his legs. Ouch... No pillow, no Suguru to focus on, nothing but his own grief and sadness making him feel a little unsure of himself before he licks his lips and rubs the back of his head. ]
Yeah... That's probably a good idea. I did the chores, so...
[ It's awkward, isn't it? He's not sure if he wants to crawl into Suguru's bed and feel the weight of never given promises or if he wants to make the situation worse and clamber into his own, to feel more of his mouthing, to hope that he can wake up in the morning and feel better.
In the end, the temptation to be close to this man is too big to ignore, and he smiles, fingers twitching. He'd offer out his hand, but it doesn't feel right to do so. No more touches.
No more sharing a bed. Failing at the first hurdle, huh. ]
Let's go.
[ Smile soft, a little more genuine, he leads the way to Suguru's room, slipping through the door and heading to 'his' side of the bed. ]
no subject
Taking his own side of the bed, like it's the most natural thing in the world, Suguru slides under the covers, rolling onto his hip to watch Yuji. He wants to reach out and drag the boy close, like he always does, but he feels— less like he has that right.
An odd experience for a dominant.
Instead of presumptuously gathering Yuji into his arms, Suguru reaches out across the space between them, fingertips brushing over Yuji's cheek. ]
... I'm sorry about today. [ Suguru has to admit that he's not entirely sure he can articulate what changed or how, but he knows that it did. And that's his responsibility. ]
no subject
Forcing himself to suffer this new distance isn't as bad as it was before, with his previous household, but the grief feels stronger. He had thought... But he had thought wrong. He shouldn't have ever let himself feel that kind of hopeful, not when he had already learned that isn't how this world works for submissives.
Eventually, he gets himself into the bed, curling a little and tugging the blanket over his body before there's a hand on his skin and Suguru is speaking. Lifting his gaze, Yuji shakes his head, his own hand lifting to brush gently over his dominant's knuckle. ]
It's okay. I pushed myself to my limits, and maybe I should have known better. I'll know for next time.
[ Because he's going to keep pushing himself. Suguru might not want him, but he'll have to prove himself to his next dominant somehow. ]
no subject
His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
no subject
[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
no subject
Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
no subject
[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
I'll be okay.
no subject
Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
How did it feel using the safeword?
no subject
Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
no subject
In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
no subject
[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
no subject
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
Mistakes happen, and I'm just as capable of them.
no subject
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
no subject
You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
no subject
[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
Can we just leave it at that for now?
no subject
If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
Come here?
[ An offer, not an order. ]
no subject
He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
I'm here.
no subject
But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
He should, he should, he should... ]
no subject
[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
I'm tired, but if you want me to... Go...
no subject
I want you here.
[ ... Even if Suguru doesn't process exactly how much he means that. ]
(no subject)