[ Suguru is a little surprised when Yuji reaches up to touch his hand in return; he was partially expecting Yuji to retreat with how far he’s settled on the bed. It’s habit just to sleep with Yuji in his arms, at this point, but that’s usually because Yuji wiggles into his space like an overeager puppy most evenings; he was far more tentative when he first arrived, like he’s acting now. Suguru is too vigilant in all things to miss the obvious shift in Yuji’s behavior, but he’s not sure how to classify it – or how to choose his next steps because of it.
His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
Mm... It might be okay, if it's just one at once. I know you like both of them, so I don't want it to be like you're giving something up when I can handle the situation if it's a little different.
[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
[ A very reasonable solution from Yuji – good negotiation technique that he’ll need with any dominant. (Because Yuji will have other dominants after him, right? That’s been the plan from the beginning, so… that hasn’t changed, has it?)
Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
It's okay, Suguru-san. Neither of us expected that kind of response from me... I didn't even think about it until it was too late, so some of the blame is mine, too.
[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
[ Suguru feels the gap left between them when Yuji’s hand retracts, even if he’s just as baffled by why he notices. His other subs all stayed in their own room, most nights, but he’d effortlessly fallen into a routine of affection and comfort with Yuji. He didn’t notice it was happening until… it suddenly isn’t. Even his name sounds different now, the honorific so out of place when they aren’t doing something formal.
Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
[ Yuji's body shifts, adjusting so he's sitting cross-legged, turning his body to face Suguru's a little. It's clear that he's giving it a lot of thought, trying his best to let his mind turn the question over and over before he sighs softly. ]
Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
[ Suguru props himself up on his elbow as he watches Yuji, giving him the time to think over his answer. Suguru is glad that Yuji is actually considering this, because it's crucial information and an important skill in healthy power exchange. ]
In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
I didn't even know it was something I was allowed to do before, so I guess this is improvement.
[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
[ Suguru shakes his head, adamant. Even if Yuji is doing... whatever this is right now, Suguru wants to be clear with him. ]
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
It wasn't a mistake. It was a risk, one I chose to take.
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
[ The flash of tension catches Suguru's eye immediately, but he isn't sure how to pin it down, define it. ]
You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
And I'm saying that it's okay. That sort of thing is normal. You should be able to leave the room for a second, and I should be okay with it. I'll... It was unexpected, not a mistake. It's not like you meant to.
[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
[ Ah, he catches Yuji's meaning now – even if Suguru still fundamentally disagrees. He doesn't fault Yuji for being overwhelmed or needing to stop; that's a perfectly normal thing for scenes, especially anything more intense. But Yuji wants to drop it, clearly further unsettled by Suguru's poking and prodding at the matter, so instead of trying to argue his own fallibility, Suguru just nods. ]
If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
[ Suguru didn't realize he was holding his breath until Yuji moves again. He wasn't sure if Yuji was going to reject the offer or not, prepared to accept whatever Yuji decided he needed, but he's shockingly relieved when Yuji settles in close. Not as close, not as intimate.
But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
[ He curls up against Suguru. One more night can't hurt, can it? Once more, something to memorise and keep for himself, resisting the urge to nuzzle into his dominant and cling to him desperately, the grief sapping all the warmth and heat from him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
His eyebrows lift with a mild confusion. ]
We don’t have to use a blindfold again, if it’s going to cause that kind of response. Or we can try it with something less intense – rope just on your wrists instead of the full harness, for instance.
[ It can’t be the worst possible scenario if Yuji is still discussing a next time? ]
no subject
[ Yuji doesn't make any move to get closer, doesn't shift his weight to lean into Suguru to steal comfort from him, as he might have done the night before. Instead, he pauses, thoughtful, absently letting his fingers trail over Suguru's hand. It gives him a moment to think, to consider. ]
As long as I know you're there, it's okay. I was nervous, but when I knew it was your hands, I felt okay. So we just need to have everything ready nearby, right?
[ He can push himself. He can be good - maybe not good enough for forever, but good enough for now. At least he can bring some kind of happiness into Suguru's life. ]
no subject
Suguru nods along in agreement. ]
I should have had everything in the room already, so that was my fault. [ Which is an easy mistake to acknowledge. He should have been fully prepared, instead of suddenly breaking the flow of the scene by vanishing; he could have mentioned something to Yuji or offered other affirmation, and that was his misstep. He didn’t expect Yuji to respond so strongly, but that’s not an excuse for dropping the ball. ]
I think we can try it again in stages – the blindfold on its own, the blindfold with some form of mild restraint, and then the blindfold and more immobilizing bondage. [ Suguru isn’t even thinking about how much time goes into something like that; his timeline hasn’t involved how much longer Yuji may or may not be with him, even if Suguru hasn’t realized that for himself. ]
no subject
[ Yuji really doesn't want Suguru blaming himself when Yuji knows he's the problem. His dominant has an immaculate record, whereas Yuji's is now stained with cruel words and bitter truths about what has happened to him: he's the one who panicked, not Suguru. He's the one that had to use his safe word, who cried and ruined what should've been fun.
He knows that the other man likes these kinds of things, so he wants to be able to prove he can do it, even if an angry part of him thinks it's pointless if he'll be leaving soon.
Hand slipping away, Yuji hums softly. ]
We can do the blindfold and some lighter ropes. I know I'm okay with blindfolds alone, so experimenting with it by itself wouldn't have any point.
[ Rubbing his hands on the blankets, Yuji shakes his head. ]
I'll be okay.
no subject
Suguru allows himself a few seconds longer of touching Yuji’s face before pulling away, setting his hand near Yuji’s on the blankets. ]
If you think you can handle it. [ Suguru doesn’t want Yuji to stretch himself too thin or push too hard, but the blindfold and lighter ropes seems reasonable. ]
How did it feel using the safeword?
no subject
Honestly... I didn't like it very much, not when I had to say it. It felt bad, like I'd failed.
[ His fingers move, gripping the fabric of his sweatpants absently. ]
I know that it was what I needed to do. I thought about it a lot in the bath, and I feel okay now.
no subject
In an ideal scenario, I would prefer we never reach the point where you need to use "red," unless we're intentionally trying to find your threshold for something. It's not a failure on your part if the scene needs to stop, and especially in this case, I should have been more prepared ahead of time.
You did incredibly well today, and I'm proud of you for using the safeword, even if it felt like failure. I don't consider it to be a failure – but I also want you to know that there's no cost for failing, here.
[ Failure is a part of life. Part of growth. Doing something perfectly the first time is an unreasonable expectation and one Suguru will never put on Yuji. ]
no subject
[ Yuji still can't really look at him. Suguru is offering him all this kindness, this softness, being so gentle with him, but the reality is that there's no need. He could be just like any other dominant right now, and Yuji wouldn't blame him even a little bit: it must be irritating, to have a submissive use a safe word during a scene of things you really like.
Yuji has seen Suguru's list of yes and no, after all. He's aware.
The problem could just be that Yuji is too broken for a man who enjoys the kinds of things that Yuji isn't sure he can handle any more. After being given kindness, how can he go back to accepting cruelty?
He'll take whatever Suguru gives him, and he won't complain. ]
You were fine, Suguru-san. Like I said, don't blame youself.
no subject
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
Mistakes happen, and I'm just as capable of them.
no subject
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
no subject
You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
no subject
[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
Can we just leave it at that for now?
no subject
If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
Come here?
[ An offer, not an order. ]
no subject
He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
I'm here.
no subject
But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
He should, he should, he should... ]
no subject
[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
I'm tired, but if you want me to... Go...
no subject
I want you here.
[ ... Even if Suguru doesn't process exactly how much he means that. ]
no subject
[ He curls up against Suguru. One more night can't hurt, can it? Once more, something to memorise and keep for himself, resisting the urge to nuzzle into his dominant and cling to him desperately, the grief sapping all the warmth and heat from him. ]
Sleep well, Suguru-san.