[ Suguru shakes his head, adamant. Even if Yuji is doing... whatever this is right now, Suguru wants to be clear with him. ]
It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
It wasn't a mistake. It was a risk, one I chose to take.
[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
[ The flash of tension catches Suguru's eye immediately, but he isn't sure how to pin it down, define it. ]
You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
And I'm saying that it's okay. That sort of thing is normal. You should be able to leave the room for a second, and I should be okay with it. I'll... It was unexpected, not a mistake. It's not like you meant to.
[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
[ Ah, he catches Yuji's meaning now – even if Suguru still fundamentally disagrees. He doesn't fault Yuji for being overwhelmed or needing to stop; that's a perfectly normal thing for scenes, especially anything more intense. But Yuji wants to drop it, clearly further unsettled by Suguru's poking and prodding at the matter, so instead of trying to argue his own fallibility, Suguru just nods. ]
If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
[ Suguru didn't realize he was holding his breath until Yuji moves again. He wasn't sure if Yuji was going to reject the offer or not, prepared to accept whatever Yuji decided he needed, but he's shockingly relieved when Yuji settles in close. Not as close, not as intimate.
But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
[ He curls up against Suguru. One more night can't hurt, can it? Once more, something to memorise and keep for himself, resisting the urge to nuzzle into his dominant and cling to him desperately, the grief sapping all the warmth and heat from him. ]
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It's not your responsibility to endure anything and everything – it's my role to monitor and adapt. This thing between us should always be symbiotic, Yuji.
Mistakes happen, and I'm just as capable of them.
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[ Yuji's hands clench a little tighter, then he stops, forces himself to relax. There's no point getting worked up about it, is there? Lifting his hand, he waves it absently. ]
Either way, we can agree on the changes for next time.
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You realize I'm defining the moment I stepped out of the room and wasn't fully prepared as the mistake – and not taking the risk in the first place, don't you? That can be an error on my part without the scene itself being a mistake, Yuji.
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[ Maybe he isn't explaining himself well. His stomach feels all twisted up, and he shakes his head, pursing his lips. He's just making things worse. ]
Can we just leave it at that for now?
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If you like.
[ Easing down onto the pillow, Suguru makes himself comfortable on his side with his arm folded under his head. He lifts the blanket, an open invitation for Yuji. ]
Come here?
[ An offer, not an order. ]
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He shouldn't, really, because what reason does he have, but he does all the same. His shoulders are tense, and his eyes flicker, before he slowly lowers himself down into the bed and wiggles a little closer. He doesn't want to deny himself this, even if he might not curl himself as close to Suguru as he usually does.
His heart feels too heavy.
Blinking, he tilts his head up to smile softly at Suguru, and that, at least, isn't a lie. It feels right. ]
I'm here.
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But he's there.
Suguru rests his arm around Yuji, but he doesn't try to close the gap between them or force the submissive any closer. ]
... You don't have to be. [ A gentle reminder that Yuji has his own bed, his own room, if he doesn't want to be here with Suguru. It wouldn't surprise him after his confession, an ugly little peek beneath his refined mask, but it's probably better Yuji understand more of the man to whom he's been summarily given. Maybe Suguru should have been more... aloof? Reserved? He usually has such a careful buffer between him and his submissives, but something about Yuji had made it so effortless to take him on. Suguru found satisfaction in his role for the first time since receiving his designation, and he'd simply followed the trail of intimacy without a second thought.
He should have been thinking more. He should have been more careful with such a fragile boy suffering under the burden of a cruel world.
He should, he should, he should... ]
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[ Does he seem that pathetic now? Does he seem as though he can't handle this situation, that he can't deal with being a submissive that'll leave? It makes him feel a little angry, the idea that he would struggle with this, somehow, but he forces himself to ignore it. He shoves the feeling away, buries it with all the other parts of himself: the sadness, the disappointment, the aching hurt. He pushes it aside.
It doesn't matter. None of what he thought or wants matters. He's going to be sent away.
Slowly, he sinks into the bed a little more, relaxing, tension bleeding out and away. For all that Yuji might be sad, had cried his heart into numbness in the bath, he knows he's safe here. He's going to be okay. ]
I'm tired, but if you want me to... Go...
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I want you here.
[ ... Even if Suguru doesn't process exactly how much he means that. ]
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[ He curls up against Suguru. One more night can't hurt, can it? Once more, something to memorise and keep for himself, resisting the urge to nuzzle into his dominant and cling to him desperately, the grief sapping all the warmth and heat from him. ]
Sleep well, Suguru-san.