[ It’s probably unfair to put Yuji on the spot like this, to tell him to explain such a clear cry of deep, agonizing pain. But now, as an adult, Suguru recognizes something familiar under it all. Heavy and consuming and dark, an abyss that threatens to swallow a man – or a boy – whole. Suguru didn’t turn to this sort of outward expression of his own pain as a teenager, but the nights he spent working out until his body failed him or the pursuit of anything to numb the bone-set dread made coping a familiar beast. Maybe if he’d had any knack for RCT as a teen, he’d have experimented with this, too.
Something, anything would have been a relief back then. ]
The pain of the knife? [ Despite asking such personal and awkward questions about a disturbing thing, Suguru reaches out to brush his fingers through Yuji’s hair, reassuring. Gentle, patient, present. ]
[ The gentle touch to his head soothes some of Yuji's worries, and he tilts into it gently. He doesn't reach out for Suguru, not right now when his hand is caked with blood, sticky with it, but he sinks into the touch as if it's his anchor, the only lifeline he has. It's difficult to speak and say things, his mouth feeling as if it's filled with cotton, but... He doesn't want to lie.
He doesn't like lying to Suguru, because he doesn't want Suguru to lie to him.
Flexing his fingers, ignoring the sharp sting of pain, he nods his head. ]
The... Sensation. The hurt? It's distracting.
[ Gets him out of his thoughts. ]
I don't need it all the time, but sometimes it's too much.
[ Suguru nods along as Yuji explains, continuing to card his fingers through pink hair; it seems to soothe the teenager, and that’s the least Suguru can offer right now.
After a few prolonged moments of thought and gentle touch, Suguru speaks again. ]
Do you need to do it to yourself or do you think someone else could wield the knife for you?
[ It’s a hard balance to strike: relief without causing damage. Suguru can understand these impulses well, and he doesn’t want to shame Yuji for it, but maybe they can curb some the way the energy is directed. Maybe if he did the cutting and let Yuji handle the healing…? And then Suguru can provide relief in the moment and comfort in the aftermath – rather than forcing Yuji to hide away in the dark and desperately claw for something to make it all hurt less.
Maybe if they recontextualize it. Maybe if it’s something they do together. Maybe… ]
[ It is soothing, but Yuji isn’t sure if he deserves it.
If anyone else had found him like this he would’ve been in so much trouble. If it had been Gojo-sensei or Fushiguro he’d have been torn a new one as they tried to heal him and take care of him… It’s not to say they wouldn’t be understanding, or recognise his hurts and aches, but they wouldn’t get it. No one can, not when Yuji is the only one who remembers any of it.
Suguru looks at him and Yuji thinks that he does recognise the grief, at least a little bit. Maybe he does understand, on some intimate level Yuji hasn’t fully realised yet.
Breathing out, he glances away. ]
I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.
[ He looks back up at his lover, gaze determined. ]
And no one should have to. Not for something like this.
[ The admonishment is lighthearted, a tiny crook at the corner of Suguru’s lips – not quite humor and not mocking, but setting the tone, letting Yuji know he isn’t in trouble. ]
Some dangerous men enjoy causing pain – relish it, even. And you picked a dangerous man to love, Yuji.
[ Maybe Yuji will find relief in the pain, but that doesn’t mean Suguru won’t get off on it. It’s almost productive to channel his inherent sadistic urges into something that lets Yuji feel such a lightening of his burdens, as darkly ironic as it may be. ]
[ Yuji’s never thought about it like all of this before, with the understanding of pain mixing with pleasure. He likes it when Suguru bites him, digs nails into him, enjoys the press of his cock inside him sometimes when it’s done a little too early, but not like this. It feels little… Wrong.
But isn’t their entire relationship wrong to most people? People who don’t understand that they met when they were teenagers and fell in love that way?
Eyes stuck on Suguru’s face, he swallows a little. ]
[ Yuji should definitely be alarmed by the idea of 'hurting him' being attractive, but right now all he can think about is the thrum of his pulse in his veins and the way he stares at Suguru, filled with some kind of desperation he can't name.
It's not quite want, or desire, but a sense of security. If he wants to hurt, this man will hurt him. Isn't that enough?
Leaning into the touch, closing his eyes, Yuji nods, hand shaking a little. He feels filthy, somehow, but secure. ]
I... We can try it. Maybe not right now, but... Next time?
[ Turning his head, Yuji chases Suguru as he moves back, pressing their mouths together in a quick, gentle kiss, biting at his mouth before he nods.
He needs to clean up. The shame is still there, a twisting, uncomfortable weight inside of him, but he can't ignore it. He can't shove it away. It exists because he lets it. ]
[ Nope, not just leaving Yuji to his own devices right now.
Suguru gets to his feet, pushing off his light sweats and kicking them out of the way before he goes over to the showerheads to start the water. ]
Leave the knife by the sink, would you? [ Because he'll either figure out where it was supposed to go and where it came from or he'll just keep it in the kitchen for now. ]
[ Yuji swallows as he pushes himself up, trying not to slip on the blood - his own blood - colouring the inside of Gojo-sensei's fancy bathtub. He's going to have to really clean that up later...
At least his technique has healed his cuts, and he reaches to grab the knife and place it aside, hesitating. If Suguru takes it from him, and he can't have it as a safety net any more...
Shaking his head, he tugs off his shirt, kicking off his sweatpants, looking small and awkward as he stands and waits for the shower. ]
[ Realistically, Suguru knows that Yuji could probably find another knife or a razor blade, if he felt that determined. But he also wants to emphasize the idea that Yuji isn't going to sneak off to do this to himself anymore, that he'll come to Suguru when he needs something like this to quiet the pain in his heart. So he's pleased when Yuji leaves the knife aside, though he doesn't comment.
Fingers test the water temperature, and then Suguru reaches his hand out to Yuji, inviting him close to step into the shower spray. ]
Come here.
[ Come to be comforted, come to be loved. The solution isn't any less fucked than the entirety of their situation, but at least Yuji isn't alone. ]
[ Yuji trusts a great number of people - Gojo-sensei, Fushiguro, Kugisaki, even some of his senpai - but there's no one he trusts like Suguru. This man is the one that he loves most, the one that has seen his darkness and accepts him anyway, both of them having that same understanding with one another.
It doesn't matter what awful things that Yuji does. Suguru will take him into his arm and cherish him all the same.
Breathing out, he steps over and into the shower, immediately pressing his body into Suguru's, pressing his face into his chest. That way, he doesn't have to watch the scarlet blood drain away, as if his sins were that easily removed. ]
[ Arm winding immediately around Yuji, Suguru rests his chin on top of the boy's head under the spray of water, unbothered by the swirls of red circling the drain. ]
I'm here. [ Here for Yuji and going nowhere, as long as Gojo allows it. Maybe Gojo would change his mind about bringing Yuji here if he knew about this little bargain, but Suguru considers details private.
[ Yuji sinks into his body immediately, both his arms curling around Suguru's narrow waist. ]
... Thank you.
[ He nuzzles into the older man's chest, breathing out a soft sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. It's warm here, and not just because of the water... It's the safety of it. ]
[ Suguru hums with acknowledgement, though it takes him a few seconds longer of holding Yuji before he reaches out to shut off the water. He decides not to let go of the teenager, but that means shuffling him away from the shower and towards the stack of clean towels nearby. The tub can be a problem for tomorrow; right now, Suguru cares more about grabbing the fluffy, dry towels to drape one over Yuji's shoulders. (Harder to do one-handed, but he pulls it off.) ]
Don't worry about cleaning anything tonight. We'll deal with it later, hm?
[ The towel wraps around him, and Yuji doesn't bother attempting to start drying himself. Instead, he moves closer, sinking into Suguru's body again, not wanting to let go.
His technique has already done the job of healing any lingering marks and removing the threat of scars, so he has no hesitation when it comes to squeezing his arms around his lover, kissing the damp skin of his chest.
[ Suguru winds his one arm around Yuji, nuzzling into his hair again as he lets the boy cling, not minding that he hasn't wrapped himself up in the other towel yet. ]
It's not like Satoru is going to see it, and I think we'd both rather be in bed right now.
[ Who cares about a little dried blood in the tub? Not Suguru. ]
[ Yuji leans up into him, kissing at Suguru’s jaw, yearning for him. Wanting him. He’s not sure how to vocalise it, his hands shaking a little as he grabs at his lover. ]
Take me to bed. Look after me, Suguru. Just for tonight, please.
[ That’s not what Yuji usually asks for, it’s not who they are right now, but… He wants it. ]
[ It's not often Suguru is left trying to decipher Yuji these days, but he's not sure what to make of the tremble in Yuji's touch, the neediness that feels as vulnerable and naked as Yuji's bare skin. He feels... fragile. Breakable. ]
Look after you, hmm?
[ That's what Yuji deserves, something in the back of Suguru's mind thinks. Yuji deserves to be looked after, to be taken care of, to be loved and adored and treated kindly.
He's apparently not such a monster that he can cast aside Yuji's soft plea right off the bat.
Unwrapping his arm, Suguru reaches up and tucks his fingers under Yuji's chin, tilting his face to Suguru's. ]
I think I can remember how to do that. [ And he leans in, brushing a far gentler kiss over Yuji's lips. ]
[ Suguru might say that he doesn’t have much kindness or softness left in him these days, but Yuji knows otherwise. Maybe it’s reserved just for him, but there’s a tenderness here that’s impossible to hide or pretend, borne of love and affection.
They do take care of each other. That hasn’t changed. ]
You do it anyway.
[ Yuji leans up and into the kiss, nuzzling his face against his lover’s gently, smiling with a warmth he can’t hide despite the tears prickling at his eyes. He still hurts, but it’s better now. Just enough.
[ Suguru leans in to brush a kiss under Yuji's eye and those glimmering tears before he drops his arm from around Yuji, stepping away to dry himself and then hang the towel. No longer dripping wet, he guides Yuji out of the bathroom, down the hall, and back to the bedroom.
Back to the bed, back to crawling under blankets so Suguru can draw Yuji against his chest, into the protective circle of his arm. No rough grabbing or the sting of teeth, Suguru is gentle about his kisses, reaching up to pet his hair, his face, exploring every scar and divot of the boy's skin. ]
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no subject
Something, anything would have been a relief back then. ]
The pain of the knife? [ Despite asking such personal and awkward questions about a disturbing thing, Suguru reaches out to brush his fingers through Yuji’s hair, reassuring. Gentle, patient, present. ]
Is the goal the blood or the sensation?
no subject
He doesn't like lying to Suguru, because he doesn't want Suguru to lie to him.
Flexing his fingers, ignoring the sharp sting of pain, he nods his head. ]
The... Sensation. The hurt? It's distracting.
[ Gets him out of his thoughts. ]
I don't need it all the time, but sometimes it's too much.
no subject
After a few prolonged moments of thought and gentle touch, Suguru speaks again. ]
Do you need to do it to yourself or do you think someone else could wield the knife for you?
[ It’s a hard balance to strike: relief without causing damage. Suguru can understand these impulses well, and he doesn’t want to shame Yuji for it, but maybe they can curb some the way the energy is directed. Maybe if he did the cutting and let Yuji handle the healing…? And then Suguru can provide relief in the moment and comfort in the aftermath – rather than forcing Yuji to hide away in the dark and desperately claw for something to make it all hurt less.
Maybe if they recontextualize it. Maybe if it’s something they do together. Maybe… ]
no subject
If anyone else had found him like this he would’ve been in so much trouble. If it had been Gojo-sensei or Fushiguro he’d have been torn a new one as they tried to heal him and take care of him… It’s not to say they wouldn’t be understanding, or recognise his hurts and aches, but they wouldn’t get it. No one can, not when Yuji is the only one who remembers any of it.
Suguru looks at him and Yuji thinks that he does recognise the grief, at least a little bit. Maybe he does understand, on some intimate level Yuji hasn’t fully realised yet.
Breathing out, he glances away. ]
I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.
[ He looks back up at his lover, gaze determined. ]
And no one should have to. Not for something like this.
no subject
[ The admonishment is lighthearted, a tiny crook at the corner of Suguru’s lips – not quite humor and not mocking, but setting the tone, letting Yuji know he isn’t in trouble. ]
Some dangerous men enjoy causing pain – relish it, even. And you picked a dangerous man to love, Yuji.
[ Maybe Yuji will find relief in the pain, but that doesn’t mean Suguru won’t get off on it. It’s almost productive to channel his inherent sadistic urges into something that lets Yuji feel such a lightening of his burdens, as darkly ironic as it may be. ]
no subject
[ Yuji’s never thought about it like all of this before, with the understanding of pain mixing with pleasure. He likes it when Suguru bites him, digs nails into him, enjoys the press of his cock inside him sometimes when it’s done a little too early, but not like this. It feels little… Wrong.
But isn’t their entire relationship wrong to most people? People who don’t understand that they met when they were teenagers and fell in love that way?
Eyes stuck on Suguru’s face, he swallows a little. ]
You’d… Enjoy it? Hurting me like this?
no subject
I’d enjoy it quite a lot. I find blood and seeing it on skin attractive – and I like hurting you far more than just appreciating the look of blood.
Why not combine them?
[ His hand travels down, cradling Yuji’s cheek with a kind touch that stands in stark juxtaposition to what he’s offering. ]
Come to me if you need to hurt, even like this. I’ll give you everything you could ever want.
no subject
It's not quite want, or desire, but a sense of security. If he wants to hurt, this man will hurt him. Isn't that enough?
Leaning into the touch, closing his eyes, Yuji nods, hand shaking a little. He feels filthy, somehow, but secure. ]
I... We can try it. Maybe not right now, but... Next time?
no subject
No, not tonight. [ Shifting up on his knees, he leans over to press a kiss to Yuji's forehead. ]
Why don't we get you cleaned up for now and go back to bed?
no subject
He needs to clean up. The shame is still there, a twisting, uncomfortable weight inside of him, but he can't ignore it. He can't shove it away. It exists because he lets it. ]
I can just shower, if you want to go back to bed.
no subject
[ Nope, not just leaving Yuji to his own devices right now.
Suguru gets to his feet, pushing off his light sweats and kicking them out of the way before he goes over to the showerheads to start the water. ]
Leave the knife by the sink, would you? [ Because he'll either figure out where it was supposed to go and where it came from or he'll just keep it in the kitchen for now. ]
no subject
[ Yuji swallows as he pushes himself up, trying not to slip on the blood - his own blood - colouring the inside of Gojo-sensei's fancy bathtub. He's going to have to really clean that up later...
At least his technique has healed his cuts, and he reaches to grab the knife and place it aside, hesitating. If Suguru takes it from him, and he can't have it as a safety net any more...
Shaking his head, he tugs off his shirt, kicking off his sweatpants, looking small and awkward as he stands and waits for the shower. ]
no subject
Fingers test the water temperature, and then Suguru reaches his hand out to Yuji, inviting him close to step into the shower spray. ]
Come here.
[ Come to be comforted, come to be loved. The solution isn't any less fucked than the entirety of their situation, but at least Yuji isn't alone. ]
no subject
It doesn't matter what awful things that Yuji does. Suguru will take him into his arm and cherish him all the same.
Breathing out, he steps over and into the shower, immediately pressing his body into Suguru's, pressing his face into his chest. That way, he doesn't have to watch the scarlet blood drain away, as if his sins were that easily removed. ]
Suguru...
no subject
I'm here. [ Here for Yuji and going nowhere, as long as Gojo allows it. Maybe Gojo would change his mind about bringing Yuji here if he knew about this little bargain, but Suguru considers details private.
He and Yuji can keep their secrets together. ]
no subject
... Thank you.
[ He nuzzles into the older man's chest, breathing out a soft sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. It's warm here, and not just because of the water... It's the safety of it. ]
We don't need to wash my hair or anything, so...
no subject
[ Suguru hums with acknowledgement, though it takes him a few seconds longer of holding Yuji before he reaches out to shut off the water. He decides not to let go of the teenager, but that means shuffling him away from the shower and towards the stack of clean towels nearby. The tub can be a problem for tomorrow; right now, Suguru cares more about grabbing the fluffy, dry towels to drape one over Yuji's shoulders. (Harder to do one-handed, but he pulls it off.) ]
Don't worry about cleaning anything tonight. We'll deal with it later, hm?
no subject
His technique has already done the job of healing any lingering marks and removing the threat of scars, so he has no hesitation when it comes to squeezing his arms around his lover, kissing the damp skin of his chest.
Yuji loves him. So much. ]
If you're sure... I don't mind...
no subject
[ Suguru winds his one arm around Yuji, nuzzling into his hair again as he lets the boy cling, not minding that he hasn't wrapped himself up in the other towel yet. ]
It's not like Satoru is going to see it, and I think we'd both rather be in bed right now.
[ Who cares about a little dried blood in the tub? Not Suguru. ]
no subject
[ Yuji leans up into him, kissing at Suguru’s jaw, yearning for him. Wanting him. He’s not sure how to vocalise it, his hands shaking a little as he grabs at his lover. ]
Take me to bed. Look after me, Suguru. Just for tonight, please.
[ That’s not what Yuji usually asks for, it’s not who they are right now, but… He wants it. ]
no subject
Look after you, hmm?
[ That's what Yuji deserves, something in the back of Suguru's mind thinks. Yuji deserves to be looked after, to be taken care of, to be loved and adored and treated kindly.
He's apparently not such a monster that he can cast aside Yuji's soft plea right off the bat.
Unwrapping his arm, Suguru reaches up and tucks his fingers under Yuji's chin, tilting his face to Suguru's. ]
I think I can remember how to do that. [ And he leans in, brushing a far gentler kiss over Yuji's lips. ]
no subject
They do take care of each other. That hasn’t changed. ]
You do it anyway.
[ Yuji leans up and into the kiss, nuzzling his face against his lover’s gently, smiling with a warmth he can’t hide despite the tears prickling at his eyes. He still hurts, but it’s better now. Just enough.
It has to be. ]
… Bed?
no subject
[ Suguru leans in to brush a kiss under Yuji's eye and those glimmering tears before he drops his arm from around Yuji, stepping away to dry himself and then hang the towel. No longer dripping wet, he guides Yuji out of the bathroom, down the hall, and back to the bedroom.
Back to the bed, back to crawling under blankets so Suguru can draw Yuji against his chest, into the protective circle of his arm. No rough grabbing or the sting of teeth, Suguru is gentle about his kisses, reaching up to pet his hair, his face, exploring every scar and divot of the boy's skin. ]
I've got you.