[ Yuji does it: he changes the future. The dark hole that Suguru had fallen down in his teenage years never sinks its claws into the boy this time. Presented with the same moment of slaughter, Suguru leaves an unnamed village behind with two little girls and brings them right to jujutsu high. He doesn't choose rage and violence; he asks for help.
Yuji doesn't get to stay after that point. It seems the jujutsu that catapulted him back in time had a contingency for return: when the old future is rewritten.
Suguru wakes one day and Yuji is nowhere to be found. His heart breaks when hours of searching never produce a single sign that Yuji was even there. But instead of falling apart, Suguru pushes forward. He graduates with Satoru. He looks after Nanako and Mimiko, but also accepts the support of the people around him. He doesn't do any of this alone.
Soon, he's officially teaching with Satoru.
And time passes.
Ten years later, Yuji pops up again in Sendai. It's strange, outlandish, but after Suguru scoops Yuji into his arms for a tight, tight hug, he decides the "how" of it all matters less. Yuji is exactly how he remembers, but Suguru is before him a decade older, now a teacher and no longer Yuji's peer – something that requires renegotiating for both of them. Suguru still has to wrap his head around it all, but that's his responsibility as the adult, now.
They have to be around each other regularly, it turns out. After a comment from Yuji about Suguru's manicure, Suguru doesn't hesitate to offer, "I could do yours for you, if you'd like."
Which brings them here, sitting across from each other in Suguru's teacher's quarters with Suguru's nail supplies laid out beside him and Yuji's hand resting in Suguru's palm as he inspects Yuji's untouched nails. The boy's whole hand could use some TLC, Suguru realizes as he reaches for his nail file. ]
Hmm, maybe I should have picked a different color for you. [ He looks up at Yuji with a crooked smile. ]
[ When Yuji came to the past, he really intended not to get too mixed up with people - because he had been worried about this exact thing happening. He hadn't meant to develop feelings for Suguru, hadn't wanted to feel so entrapped by him and his devotion to him, but he hadn't been able to resist it, either.
Waking up back in the future and knowing that they're distant from one another in age and time... It had almost broken his heart.
He doesn't blame Suguru for keeping his distance, for not wanting to get too involved with him again, despite the history they shared. It's not as if they could just pick up from where they left off, not when Yuji is still pushing out of his teens and Suguru is in a position of power. All Yuji wants is to wrap his arms around the other man and sink into him, to never let him go, but...
Suguru doesn't want that right now. He doesn't want to have that kind of relationship any more. Yuji hasn't dared to ask if there's someone else, if he moved on, and the idea of it really, really hurts. It's been a heartbreaking few weeks, a rough adjustment, but...
Sitting opposite him, hand in the other man's, Yuji laughs shyly. ]
[ Nail polish? On Yuji? It'll be adorable – but Suguru is still trying to be mindful of his praise, of how he speaks to Yuji. Satoru may not be the best role model for how to treat one's students, but Suguru tries to be better.
Yet here he is, Yuji in his rooms, while he starts to gently file and shape Yuji's pinkie nail. He's quiet, content to focus on the work and keep his gaze on Yuji's hand instead of his face.
But because sitting in silence isn't going to work... ]
How are you settling in? It must be a little disconcerting, considering.
[ Yuji watches Suguru touch gently as he takes care of his nails, a little enchanted by the process. He's never seen anything like it before, and it's definitely enjoyable, so he's content to sit and enjoy the moment.
He's getting to be close to Suguru, however briefly. It's almost good enough.
When the older man speaks, he glances up, dark eyes flickering over him for a moment. ]
It's a little weird. Things are so much better here, and half the things I remember haven't happened. It's hard to keep my mouth shut.
[ He laughs a little. ]
But everyone seems happier, so that makes it worth it.
[ Suguru hums with quiet acknowledgement as he steadily works from one finger to the next, carefully and almost delicately sawing the file across the edge of Yuji's nail to form the perfect, most pleasing shape. ]
Most people won't even know what you did for them.
[ It's the answer Suguru expected, if only because he's sure Yuji would have given all of himself just for the chance to save people without needing a scrap of credit. But it still makes Suguru smile, those reminders that Yuji is exactly how he remembers. It's been so long since he'd seen Yuji that this all feels like a dream.
Or maybe a nightmare, because Suguru is sitting here with Yuji, ten years his senior instead of his senpai. ]
Hopefully you won't have to now.
[ Because like hell is Suguru going to let Yuji be executed by anyone.
Suguru finishes one hand, then reaches for the other, starting on Yuji's thumb. The filing is ritualistic, almost, practiced and polished to an art. ]
Just because you can handle the pain, doesn't mean you should.
I know what to look for, so I can make sure it doesn’t.
[ The very fact that Suguru is alive is proof of Yuji being able to change things in the past. He needs to keep watch for Mahito, keep an eye on the higher ups, ensure that the curse inside him doesn’t get too close to Fushiguro… He’s already warned Gojo-sensei about that, so hopefully it’ll all be okay.
Kenjaku might still be out there, but he doesn’t have Suguru’s body, so…
Glancing up, he smiles softly. ]
It’s better me than the people who can’t. Either way, it’ll probably be fine.
[ His eyes flicker to Suguru’s face, watching him with a painful fondness before he looks away, blushing. ]
You won't be figuring it all out on your own, this time.
[ Yuji won't have to keep his history and his origins a secret – at least, not in the same way he had in the past. Other people know, even if there are still some things Yuji can't share.
Finishing with Yuji's second hand, Suguru gently lifts both in his own palms, holding Yuji's respective fingers beside their twin to ensure he managed a consistent length across everything.
So far, so good.
Reaching now for the base coat, Suguru glances briefly up at Yuji, caught by the fetching pink staining the boy's cheeks, tinging his ears... It feels odd to find Yuji attractive now, because he knows that he shouldn't, but his heart doesn't care, apparently. He has to force himself to refocus, plucking up a clear bottle and unscrewing the cap before taking Yuji's hand again. ]
... I'm glad you're okay. [ Has he said that yet? ]
[ ... And Suguru, but he doesn't want to say it, because things aren't the same.
Yuji looks at Suguru and sees a handsome, wonderful version of the boy that he fell in love with, the person he's still in love with, but that's not the case in return. Suguru looks at him and sees the boy he liked when he was younger, not someone he loves now, and it feels like the void between them grows each day.
Every time he sees Suguru and Gojo-sensei together, or with Shoko-san, or anyone that knows him well...
It makes him hurt.
Blinking, he forces himself to gaze down at his hand, trying to disguise how upset he feels and the sharpness and ache of his heart. The pain of it is agonising, but he can't force Suguru to still want him, not with the years that are between them now. ]
[ Yuji has known him all this time, after all, even if the circumstances are drastically different now. The closest thing they got to a power imbalance before was Suguru's status as Yuji's upperclassman, but that's practically nothing compared to the chasm between them now.
Holding Yuji's hand in his own now, he has to fight the urge to lace their fingers together, to offer Yuji that comfort and familiarity that built between them so effortlessly in the past. Those feelings haven't diminished, even with time.
Suguru resists, instead focusing on his application of a thin layer of the clear lacquer. ]
Half the students use Satoru's given name, anyway.
[ Yuji feels a touch uncomfortable with it, not because he doesn't want to call Suguru by his first name, but also because it feels like crossing a line. They've been very clear about the fact that their relationship isn't going to continue, that Suguru doesn't want to be put in that position with the new dynamic, and while it's broken Yuji's heart he's doing his best to follow it.
Suguru doesn't want this any more. It's been too long, and Yuji is too young, despite the desperation he feels, the love that he feels burning inside of him as a constant flame. ]
[ Suguru stills as he returns the polish's brush to its bottle. ]
... Ah.
[ Right. That makes sense.
Suguru may have had a decade to get over Yuji (even if he didn't), but their relationship is a lot fresher to the teenager. That's a big deal, and ignoring reality won't make this any easier for Yuji.
Suguru doesn't reach for the black polish immediately, hesitating as Yuji's hand sits in his own. ]
You know it's for your own good that we... can't, right, Yuji?
The open and honest communication had happened almost right away when he had come back, Suguru putting the distance between them because of their new age gap, but that doesn't mean he's dealt with it yet. For Yuji, it had barely been a few weeks since he had been curled up with Suguru in their shared bed, whispering stories and promises of their love for each other.
For Suguru, it had been a decade. Of course, he doesn't want him or love him any more, not with so long to get over it and forget about him.
Blinking, he stares at the table as he nods his head. ]
[ And that should be a relief, shouldn't it? That Yuji is the sweet, respectful boy that he's always been, making it almost easy to transition into this other kind of relationship, professional and appropriate for a teacher and student. And it should be easy – it should feel simple, because Yuji is a teenager. Suguru is nearing thirty now.
They can't.
Reaching for the black polish, Suguru falls quiet as he starts to work his way across Yuji's fingers again, layering a perfectly smooth sheen of lacquer over each blank nail. He makes it through two full coats, then sets the bottle aside, gently resting Yuji's hands on his knees to keep the wet polish unblemished. ]
We have to let it dry for a moment before I apply the top coat.
[ He explains himself somewhat numbly, his gaze remaining on Yuji's hands instead of the boy's face. He knows that if he stares for too long, while they're sitting close like this, he might... slip and forget that this isn't high school for him anymore. It's hard to resist his own nostalgia and the sharp ache that comes with seeing Yuji again when Suguru had truly believed that Yuji died. He'd vanished so completely, what else could Suguru assume?
But here Yuji is, the exact same as before. The problem is that Suguru isn't the same anymore. ]
[ Yuji has truly done everything he can to be good.
He hasn’t demanded any special treatment, hasn’t asked for private lessons, hasn’t been impolite with Suguru - he hasn’t even let on to anyone else that there’s a history between them. The only person that would remember is Gojo-sensei, and he seems happy enough to stay tight lipped for now… Though that might have been under the threat of something like violence.
It doesn’t make it easier, though.
Missing Suguru has been hard, and the gulf between them has broken his heart. He’s doing all he can to move on, but it’s impossible. Maybe time and distance will make it easier; that’s why he’s been training so hard and asking for more missions. To get away, however briefly. ]
[ Suguru glances up at Yuji, brows lifted in curiosity. He hadn’t exactly gotten details of his own downward spiral in Yuji’s timeline, so he assumes he was always going down this path as a teacher.
Right? ]
What do you mean?
[ He doesn’t realize how perilously close he was to making different choices, that Yuji was the lynchpin that kept him hinged in this newer, better reality. ]
[ Oh, he's messed up, and his eyes flicker up to Suguru's face briefly before he swallows and looks away. ]
Well, you know how things are for sorcerers. Anything could've happened in the ten years since I was gone, especially if I changed things without meaning to. You might have got hurt or something.
[ It's not completely a lie, but it's not entirely honest, either. ]
[ Well, that’s evasive as hell. Yuji has never been a good liar, and even a decade hasn’t diminished Suguru’s ability to spot it.
Does he want to know? Rationally, he knows that nothing will change now, and whatever time Yuji came from before doesn’t exist anymore. So does it matter? Not necessarily. But Suguru can feel the curiosity sitting just under his skin. He’s always looking to understand, looking for meaning, and what meaning did he find in another time? Mulling over his best approach, Suguru reaches for Yuji’s hand, pretending to inspect the black polish to assess if he should start on the last coat. ]
I might have gotten hurt or I did? [ He glances up with a cocked brow. ]
Does it matter if you tell me? You changed everything already, so what’s the harm in knowing?
It might matter. How am I meant to know what matters and what doesn't? Half of this world doesn't make sense to me any more.
[ He has a mother in this world, for one, somewhere out there. His grandpa had told him that. Suguru is alive and Gojo-sensei seems happier, and Megumi and Nobara don't know him as anyone different. It's a strange ache, to have people not remember the grief and trauma he's been through, but at least they're happy for it.
He draws his fingers away from Suguru's touch, feeling pained by it rather than comforted. This isn't what he wants. Even letting him paint his nails was a mistake, because it means they're this close and Yuji is so vulnerable. ]
Yuji practically retreats from Suguru, curling into himself and shuttering away, and Suguru knows he's pushed in the wrong way, prodded at something sore and unwelcome. He doesn't grab Yuji's hand back, even though part of him desperately wants to. ]
You don't have to go. [ Please stay. This feels like the longest he's been in a room with Yuji since the teen reappeared, and an inadvertent, sharp ache accompanies the idea of him leaving now.
(Even if Suguru should be encouraging the distance. Even if painting Yuji's nails was a bad idea and he knows it.) ]
But you’re free to leave, if you want to. [ Suguru won't deny Yuji his escape, especially when he knows it's probably for the best. ]
[ The words come out sharply, a little cruel and mean, a bitterness in him that's unfamiliar. Yuji's been angry before, filled with a kind of rage that he can never share with anyone else, but this? This is just hurt, burning inside of him and making him feel weak. ]
It wasn't even a month ago that we were in love and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and now - now I'm just a student. I'm nothing special, and that's fine, it's whatever, Suguru, you're grown up now and a teacher, and it isn't right, but...
[ He blinks, lifting his hand to cover his face. ]
This isn't fair. How come I made everyone else so much happier but ruined everything for myself?
[ Suguru is obviously taken aback by the venom in Yuji’s voice. He’s not sure he’s ever heard Yuji like that before – or certainly never in Suguru’s direction. The pain in his words, the clear anguish he’s experiencing – it resonates with a pain that Suguru has mourned for a decade now, and it’s not fair that such an intense and important reality could slip his notice. Once again, Suguru has had time that Yuji has not been afforded. To recover, to grieve, to come to terms with his losses and rebuild. But the thing that Yuji has wanted to preserve so desperately was wrenched away from him and made nigh-unattainable because of the enormous chasm between them now.
Yuji fixed the world for everyone else and shattered his own.
Suguru moves before his good sense catches up to his brain and reaches across the space between them, rising onto his knees to pull Yuji close and into his arms. Suguru couldn’t help the way he hugged Yuji when he first found him again, but he’s been careful to avoid a repeat incident back at school. But now, seeing Yuji in so much pain, the scars Suguru had thought healed are practically threatening to burst open all over again – and it’s like his body can only fathom one solution to the immense swell of empathy.
He has to hold Yuji. ]
It’s not fair. [ Suguru’s voice is so quiet, the faintest crack of emotion making him hoarse. ]
You did everything right and it’s not fair. [ Because that was what Suguru wanted, too. He thought that they’d spend their lives after graduation together, maybe even change things for the next generation of sorcerers – together.
[ Yuji doesn't want to sink into his arms, he doesn't want to accept the comfort that Suguru is offering him, but he's powerless to break away from him and pull back. He can't do it, not when his heart is so full of pain and all he wants is to wrap himself up in the man he loves and never let himself go. His stomach is in knots, but there's nothing he can do to get rid of it, not when the one thing he wants is so far out of reach.
He's still Sukuna's vessel, but it's less of a threat now that Kenjaku's plans aren't going to unfold in front of them. He's still destined to die, and he's not sure how much of that Suguru actually knows. He's still so perfectly at his mercy, and yet his misery is so obvious that it makes him feel as if he might lose his lunch from trying to keep it buried for so long.
Nothing in his life has been particularly fair, so it's about time that it's caught up with him.
Shaking his head, he tries to pull himself out of Suguru's arms. ]
You - let go of me, Geto- I -
[ Sniffling, the tears capture him, captivate him, and he burns with it, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw the sharp tang of blood. ]
I'll transfer. I'll go away. It'll make it easier.
[ Suguru isn’t selfish enough to hold on when Yuji starts struggling against him, but his stomach twists with something sour and sharp when Yuji says he wants to leave. Suguru just got him back and now he wants to go? ]
Don’t— [ But he stops short, his throat constricting against what he wants to say. He wants to beg Yuji to stay, to be here with him, but how can he? The time that’s passed, the distance between them now… how is it fair to ask Yuji to stay despite it all?
He feels seventeen again, staring at an empty bed and tearing through the school halls looking for any sign of Yuji. His hands shake as he watches the tears rising in Yuji’s eyes, spilling over his cheeks, and Suguru wants so badly to wipe them away.
But no, those tears are his fault. Circumstance may have put them here, but Suguru is the one rejecting Yuji, the one who has to erect the wall between them, so he has no right to offer that comfort. And Yuji doesn’t want it. He wants to escape – from Suguru. ]
You’re not just a student, Yuji. You could never be just a student to me. [ So maybe Yuji should go? But… ]
I can’t— [ Fuck, what is he trying to say? ]
I can’t lose you again. Please.
[ In another moment, he’d never be able to stomach how pathetic he sounds, but the part of himself that never stitched back together at seventeen is bleeding into his words. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nails with sensei
Yuji doesn't get to stay after that point. It seems the jujutsu that catapulted him back in time had a contingency for return: when the old future is rewritten.
Suguru wakes one day and Yuji is nowhere to be found. His heart breaks when hours of searching never produce a single sign that Yuji was even there. But instead of falling apart, Suguru pushes forward. He graduates with Satoru. He looks after Nanako and Mimiko, but also accepts the support of the people around him. He doesn't do any of this alone.
Soon, he's officially teaching with Satoru.
And time passes.
Ten years later, Yuji pops up again in Sendai. It's strange, outlandish, but after Suguru scoops Yuji into his arms for a tight, tight hug, he decides the "how" of it all matters less. Yuji is exactly how he remembers, but Suguru is before him a decade older, now a teacher and no longer Yuji's peer – something that requires renegotiating for both of them. Suguru still has to wrap his head around it all, but that's his responsibility as the adult, now.
They have to be around each other regularly, it turns out. After a comment from Yuji about Suguru's manicure, Suguru doesn't hesitate to offer, "I could do yours for you, if you'd like."
Which brings them here, sitting across from each other in Suguru's teacher's quarters with Suguru's nail supplies laid out beside him and Yuji's hand resting in Suguru's palm as he inspects Yuji's untouched nails. The boy's whole hand could use some TLC, Suguru realizes as he reaches for his nail file. ]
Hmm, maybe I should have picked a different color for you. [ He looks up at Yuji with a crooked smile. ]
I only have black, unfortunately.
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Waking up back in the future and knowing that they're distant from one another in age and time... It had almost broken his heart.
He doesn't blame Suguru for keeping his distance, for not wanting to get too involved with him again, despite the history they shared. It's not as if they could just pick up from where they left off, not when Yuji is still pushing out of his teens and Suguru is in a position of power. All Yuji wants is to wrap his arms around the other man and sink into him, to never let him go, but...
Suguru doesn't want that right now. He doesn't want to have that kind of relationship any more. Yuji hasn't dared to ask if there's someone else, if he moved on, and the idea of it really, really hurts. It's been a heartbreaking few weeks, a rough adjustment, but...
Sitting opposite him, hand in the other man's, Yuji laughs shyly. ]
That's fine. It'll match the uniform.
[ His fingers flex a little bit. ]
Do you think it'll suit me?
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[ Nail polish? On Yuji? It'll be adorable – but Suguru is still trying to be mindful of his praise, of how he speaks to Yuji. Satoru may not be the best role model for how to treat one's students, but Suguru tries to be better.
Yet here he is, Yuji in his rooms, while he starts to gently file and shape Yuji's pinkie nail. He's quiet, content to focus on the work and keep his gaze on Yuji's hand instead of his face.
But because sitting in silence isn't going to work... ]
How are you settling in? It must be a little disconcerting, considering.
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[ Yuji watches Suguru touch gently as he takes care of his nails, a little enchanted by the process. He's never seen anything like it before, and it's definitely enjoyable, so he's content to sit and enjoy the moment.
He's getting to be close to Suguru, however briefly. It's almost good enough.
When the older man speaks, he glances up, dark eyes flickering over him for a moment. ]
It's a little weird. Things are so much better here, and half the things I remember haven't happened. It's hard to keep my mouth shut.
[ He laughs a little. ]
But everyone seems happier, so that makes it worth it.
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Most people won't even know what you did for them.
[ How the world could have been. ]
Does that bother you?
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[ Yuji shrugs his shoulder, careful not to let it jostle his hand too much. ]
I'd rather they never have to worry about that kind of pain. It's not like I can't handle it or anything.
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Or maybe a nightmare, because Suguru is sitting here with Yuji, ten years his senior instead of his senpai. ]
Hopefully you won't have to now.
[ Because like hell is Suguru going to let Yuji be executed by anyone.
Suguru finishes one hand, then reaches for the other, starting on Yuji's thumb. The filing is ritualistic, almost, practiced and polished to an art. ]
Just because you can handle the pain, doesn't mean you should.
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[ The very fact that Suguru is alive is proof of Yuji being able to change things in the past. He needs to keep watch for Mahito, keep an eye on the higher ups, ensure that the curse inside him doesn’t get too close to Fushiguro… He’s already warned Gojo-sensei about that, so hopefully it’ll all be okay.
Kenjaku might still be out there, but he doesn’t have Suguru’s body, so…
Glancing up, he smiles softly. ]
It’s better me than the people who can’t. Either way, it’ll probably be fine.
[ His eyes flicker to Suguru’s face, watching him with a painful fondness before he looks away, blushing. ]
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[ Yuji won't have to keep his history and his origins a secret – at least, not in the same way he had in the past. Other people know, even if there are still some things Yuji can't share.
Finishing with Yuji's second hand, Suguru gently lifts both in his own palms, holding Yuji's respective fingers beside their twin to ensure he managed a consistent length across everything.
So far, so good.
Reaching now for the base coat, Suguru glances briefly up at Yuji, caught by the fetching pink staining the boy's cheeks, tinging his ears... It feels odd to find Yuji attractive now, because he knows that he shouldn't, but his heart doesn't care, apparently. He has to force himself to refocus, plucking up a clear bottle and unscrewing the cap before taking Yuji's hand again. ]
... I'm glad you're okay. [ Has he said that yet? ]
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[ ... And Suguru, but he doesn't want to say it, because things aren't the same.
Yuji looks at Suguru and sees a handsome, wonderful version of the boy that he fell in love with, the person he's still in love with, but that's not the case in return. Suguru looks at him and sees the boy he liked when he was younger, not someone he loves now, and it feels like the void between them grows each day.
Every time he sees Suguru and Gojo-sensei together, or with Shoko-san, or anyone that knows him well...
It makes him hurt.
Blinking, he forces himself to gaze down at his hand, trying to disguise how upset he feels and the sharpness and ache of his heart. The pain of it is agonising, but he can't force Suguru to still want him, not with the years that are between them now. ]
... Oh. Thanks, Su - Geto-sensei.
[ He bites his lip, frowning. ]
my ass finally not dying from work and jetlag
[ Yuji has known him all this time, after all, even if the circumstances are drastically different now. The closest thing they got to a power imbalance before was Suguru's status as Yuji's upperclassman, but that's practically nothing compared to the chasm between them now.
Holding Yuji's hand in his own now, he has to fight the urge to lace their fingers together, to offer Yuji that comfort and familiarity that built between them so effortlessly in the past. Those feelings haven't diminished, even with time.
Suguru resists, instead focusing on his application of a thin layer of the clear lacquer. ]
Half the students use Satoru's given name, anyway.
[ Manners whomst? ]
relatable
[ Yuji feels a touch uncomfortable with it, not because he doesn't want to call Suguru by his first name, but also because it feels like crossing a line. They've been very clear about the fact that their relationship isn't going to continue, that Suguru doesn't want to be put in that position with the new dynamic, and while it's broken Yuji's heart he's doing his best to follow it.
Suguru doesn't want this any more. It's been too long, and Yuji is too young, despite the desperation he feels, the love that he feels burning inside of him as a constant flame. ]
I don't know if that's really a good idea.
[ Looking at his hand, he swallows. ]
I don't want to get the wrong idea, after all.
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... Ah.
[ Right. That makes sense.
Suguru may have had a decade to get over Yuji (even if he didn't), but their relationship is a lot fresher to the teenager. That's a big deal, and ignoring reality won't make this any easier for Yuji.
Suguru doesn't reach for the black polish immediately, hesitating as Yuji's hand sits in his own. ]
You know it's for your own good that we... can't, right, Yuji?
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The open and honest communication had happened almost right away when he had come back, Suguru putting the distance between them because of their new age gap, but that doesn't mean he's dealt with it yet. For Yuji, it had barely been a few weeks since he had been curled up with Suguru in their shared bed, whispering stories and promises of their love for each other.
For Suguru, it had been a decade. Of course, he doesn't want him or love him any more, not with so long to get over it and forget about him.
Blinking, he stares at the table as he nods his head. ]
I know that, Geto-sensei. I'm not asking for it.
[ Even if he desperately wants it. ]
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[ And that should be a relief, shouldn't it? That Yuji is the sweet, respectful boy that he's always been, making it almost easy to transition into this other kind of relationship, professional and appropriate for a teacher and student. And it should be easy – it should feel simple, because Yuji is a teenager. Suguru is nearing thirty now.
They can't.
Reaching for the black polish, Suguru falls quiet as he starts to work his way across Yuji's fingers again, layering a perfectly smooth sheen of lacquer over each blank nail. He makes it through two full coats, then sets the bottle aside, gently resting Yuji's hands on his knees to keep the wet polish unblemished. ]
We have to let it dry for a moment before I apply the top coat.
[ He explains himself somewhat numbly, his gaze remaining on Yuji's hands instead of the boy's face. He knows that if he stares for too long, while they're sitting close like this, he might... slip and forget that this isn't high school for him anymore. It's hard to resist his own nostalgia and the sharp ache that comes with seeing Yuji again when Suguru had truly believed that Yuji died. He'd vanished so completely, what else could Suguru assume?
But here Yuji is, the exact same as before. The problem is that Suguru isn't the same anymore. ]
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He hasn’t demanded any special treatment, hasn’t asked for private lessons, hasn’t been impolite with Suguru - he hasn’t even let on to anyone else that there’s a history between them. The only person that would remember is Gojo-sensei, and he seems happy enough to stay tight lipped for now… Though that might have been under the threat of something like violence.
It doesn’t make it easier, though.
Missing Suguru has been hard, and the gulf between them has broken his heart. He’s doing all he can to move on, but it’s impossible. Maybe time and distance will make it easier; that’s why he’s been training so hard and asking for more missions. To get away, however briefly. ]
Honestly, I’m… I’m just glad that you’re okay.
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Right? ]
What do you mean?
[ He doesn’t realize how perilously close he was to making different choices, that Yuji was the lynchpin that kept him hinged in this newer, better reality. ]
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Well, you know how things are for sorcerers. Anything could've happened in the ten years since I was gone, especially if I changed things without meaning to. You might have got hurt or something.
[ It's not completely a lie, but it's not entirely honest, either. ]
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Does he want to know? Rationally, he knows that nothing will change now, and whatever time Yuji came from before doesn’t exist anymore. So does it matter? Not necessarily. But Suguru can feel the curiosity sitting just under his skin. He’s always looking to understand, looking for meaning, and what meaning did he find in another time? Mulling over his best approach, Suguru reaches for Yuji’s hand, pretending to inspect the black polish to assess if he should start on the last coat. ]
I might have gotten hurt or I did? [ He glances up with a cocked brow. ]
Does it matter if you tell me? You changed everything already, so what’s the harm in knowing?
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It might matter. How am I meant to know what matters and what doesn't? Half of this world doesn't make sense to me any more.
[ He has a mother in this world, for one, somewhere out there. His grandpa had told him that. Suguru is alive and Gojo-sensei seems happier, and Megumi and Nobara don't know him as anyone different. It's a strange ache, to have people not remember the grief and trauma he's been through, but at least they're happy for it.
He draws his fingers away from Suguru's touch, feeling pained by it rather than comforted. This isn't what he wants. Even letting him paint his nails was a mistake, because it means they're this close and Yuji is so vulnerable. ]
Maybe I should go, sensei.
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Yuji practically retreats from Suguru, curling into himself and shuttering away, and Suguru knows he's pushed in the wrong way, prodded at something sore and unwelcome. He doesn't grab Yuji's hand back, even though part of him desperately wants to. ]
You don't have to go. [ Please stay. This feels like the longest he's been in a room with Yuji since the teen reappeared, and an inadvertent, sharp ache accompanies the idea of him leaving now.
(Even if Suguru should be encouraging the distance. Even if painting Yuji's nails was a bad idea and he knows it.) ]
But you’re free to leave, if you want to. [ Suguru won't deny Yuji his escape, especially when he knows it's probably for the best. ]
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[ The words come out sharply, a little cruel and mean, a bitterness in him that's unfamiliar. Yuji's been angry before, filled with a kind of rage that he can never share with anyone else, but this? This is just hurt, burning inside of him and making him feel weak. ]
It wasn't even a month ago that we were in love and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and now - now I'm just a student. I'm nothing special, and that's fine, it's whatever, Suguru, you're grown up now and a teacher, and it isn't right, but...
[ He blinks, lifting his hand to cover his face. ]
This isn't fair. How come I made everyone else so much happier but ruined everything for myself?
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Yuji fixed the world for everyone else and shattered his own.
Suguru moves before his good sense catches up to his brain and reaches across the space between them, rising onto his knees to pull Yuji close and into his arms. Suguru couldn’t help the way he hugged Yuji when he first found him again, but he’s been careful to avoid a repeat incident back at school. But now, seeing Yuji in so much pain, the scars Suguru had thought healed are practically threatening to burst open all over again – and it’s like his body can only fathom one solution to the immense swell of empathy.
He has to hold Yuji. ]
It’s not fair. [ Suguru’s voice is so quiet, the faintest crack of emotion making him hoarse. ]
You did everything right and it’s not fair. [ Because that was what Suguru wanted, too. He thought that they’d spend their lives after graduation together, maybe even change things for the next generation of sorcerers – together.
Nothing about this is fucking fair. ]
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He's still Sukuna's vessel, but it's less of a threat now that Kenjaku's plans aren't going to unfold in front of them. He's still destined to die, and he's not sure how much of that Suguru actually knows. He's still so perfectly at his mercy, and yet his misery is so obvious that it makes him feel as if he might lose his lunch from trying to keep it buried for so long.
Nothing in his life has been particularly fair, so it's about time that it's caught up with him.
Shaking his head, he tries to pull himself out of Suguru's arms. ]
You - let go of me, Geto- I -
[ Sniffling, the tears capture him, captivate him, and he burns with it, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw the sharp tang of blood. ]
I'll transfer. I'll go away. It'll make it easier.
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Don’t— [ But he stops short, his throat constricting against what he wants to say. He wants to beg Yuji to stay, to be here with him, but how can he? The time that’s passed, the distance between them now… how is it fair to ask Yuji to stay despite it all?
He feels seventeen again, staring at an empty bed and tearing through the school halls looking for any sign of Yuji. His hands shake as he watches the tears rising in Yuji’s eyes, spilling over his cheeks, and Suguru wants so badly to wipe them away.
But no, those tears are his fault. Circumstance may have put them here, but Suguru is the one rejecting Yuji, the one who has to erect the wall between them, so he has no right to offer that comfort. And Yuji doesn’t want it. He wants to escape – from Suguru. ]
You’re not just a student, Yuji. You could never be just a student to me. [ So maybe Yuji should go? But… ]
I can’t— [ Fuck, what is he trying to say? ]
I can’t lose you again. Please.
[ In another moment, he’d never be able to stomach how pathetic he sounds, but the part of himself that never stitched back together at seventeen is bleeding into his words. ]
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