[ It's the answer Suguru expected, if only because he's sure Yuji would have given all of himself just for the chance to save people without needing a scrap of credit. But it still makes Suguru smile, those reminders that Yuji is exactly how he remembers. It's been so long since he'd seen Yuji that this all feels like a dream.
Or maybe a nightmare, because Suguru is sitting here with Yuji, ten years his senior instead of his senpai. ]
Hopefully you won't have to now.
[ Because like hell is Suguru going to let Yuji be executed by anyone.
Suguru finishes one hand, then reaches for the other, starting on Yuji's thumb. The filing is ritualistic, almost, practiced and polished to an art. ]
Just because you can handle the pain, doesn't mean you should.
I know what to look for, so I can make sure it doesnāt.
[ The very fact that Suguru is alive is proof of Yuji being able to change things in the past. He needs to keep watch for Mahito, keep an eye on the higher ups, ensure that the curse inside him doesnāt get too close to Fushiguroā¦ Heās already warned Gojo-sensei about that, so hopefully itāll all be okay.
Kenjaku might still be out there, but he doesnāt have Suguruās body, soā¦
Glancing up, he smiles softly. ]
Itās better me than the people who canāt. Either way, itāll probably be fine.
[ His eyes flicker to Suguruās face, watching him with a painful fondness before he looks away, blushing. ]
You won't be figuring it all out on your own, this time.
[ Yuji won't have to keep his history and his origins a secret ā at least, not in the same way he had in the past. Other people know, even if there are still some things Yuji can't share.
Finishing with Yuji's second hand, Suguru gently lifts both in his own palms, holding Yuji's respective fingers beside their twin to ensure he managed a consistent length across everything.
So far, so good.
Reaching now for the base coat, Suguru glances briefly up at Yuji, caught by the fetching pink staining the boy's cheeks, tinging his ears... It feels odd to find Yuji attractive now, because he knows that he shouldn't, but his heart doesn't care, apparently. He has to force himself to refocus, plucking up a clear bottle and unscrewing the cap before taking Yuji's hand again. ]
... I'm glad you're okay. [ Has he said that yet? ]
[ ... And Suguru, but he doesn't want to say it, because things aren't the same.
Yuji looks at Suguru and sees a handsome, wonderful version of the boy that he fell in love with, the person he's still in love with, but that's not the case in return. Suguru looks at him and sees the boy he liked when he was younger, not someone he loves now, and it feels like the void between them grows each day.
Every time he sees Suguru and Gojo-sensei together, or with Shoko-san, or anyone that knows him well...
It makes him hurt.
Blinking, he forces himself to gaze down at his hand, trying to disguise how upset he feels and the sharpness and ache of his heart. The pain of it is agonising, but he can't force Suguru to still want him, not with the years that are between them now. ]
[ Yuji has known him all this time, after all, even if the circumstances are drastically different now. The closest thing they got to a power imbalance before was Suguru's status as Yuji's upperclassman, but that's practically nothing compared to the chasm between them now.
Holding Yuji's hand in his own now, he has to fight the urge to lace their fingers together, to offer Yuji that comfort and familiarity that built between them so effortlessly in the past. Those feelings haven't diminished, even with time.
Suguru resists, instead focusing on his application of a thin layer of the clear lacquer. ]
Half the students use Satoru's given name, anyway.
[ Yuji feels a touch uncomfortable with it, not because he doesn't want to call Suguru by his first name, but also because it feels like crossing a line. They've been very clear about the fact that their relationship isn't going to continue, that Suguru doesn't want to be put in that position with the new dynamic, and while it's broken Yuji's heart he's doing his best to follow it.
Suguru doesn't want this any more. It's been too long, and Yuji is too young, despite the desperation he feels, the love that he feels burning inside of him as a constant flame. ]
[ Suguru stills as he returns the polish's brush to its bottle. ]
... Ah.
[ Right. That makes sense.
Suguru may have had a decade to get over Yuji (even if he didn't), but their relationship is a lot fresher to the teenager. That's a big deal, and ignoring reality won't make this any easier for Yuji.
Suguru doesn't reach for the black polish immediately, hesitating as Yuji's hand sits in his own. ]
You know it's for your own good that we... can't, right, Yuji?
The open and honest communication had happened almost right away when he had come back, Suguru putting the distance between them because of their new age gap, but that doesn't mean he's dealt with it yet. For Yuji, it had barely been a few weeks since he had been curled up with Suguru in their shared bed, whispering stories and promises of their love for each other.
For Suguru, it had been a decade. Of course, he doesn't want him or love him any more, not with so long to get over it and forget about him.
Blinking, he stares at the table as he nods his head. ]
[ And that should be a relief, shouldn't it? That Yuji is the sweet, respectful boy that he's always been, making it almost easy to transition into this other kind of relationship, professional and appropriate for a teacher and student. And it should be easy ā it should feel simple, because Yuji is a teenager. Suguru is nearing thirty now.
They can't.
Reaching for the black polish, Suguru falls quiet as he starts to work his way across Yuji's fingers again, layering a perfectly smooth sheen of lacquer over each blank nail. He makes it through two full coats, then sets the bottle aside, gently resting Yuji's hands on his knees to keep the wet polish unblemished. ]
We have to let it dry for a moment before I apply the top coat.
[ He explains himself somewhat numbly, his gaze remaining on Yuji's hands instead of the boy's face. He knows that if he stares for too long, while they're sitting close like this, he might... slip and forget that this isn't high school for him anymore. It's hard to resist his own nostalgia and the sharp ache that comes with seeing Yuji again when Suguru had truly believed that Yuji died. He'd vanished so completely, what else could Suguru assume?
But here Yuji is, the exact same as before. The problem is that Suguru isn't the same anymore. ]
[ Yuji has truly done everything he can to be good.
He hasnāt demanded any special treatment, hasnāt asked for private lessons, hasnāt been impolite with Suguru - he hasnāt even let on to anyone else that thereās a history between them. The only person that would remember is Gojo-sensei, and he seems happy enough to stay tight lipped for nowā¦ Though that might have been under the threat of something like violence.
It doesnāt make it easier, though.
Missing Suguru has been hard, and the gulf between them has broken his heart. Heās doing all he can to move on, but itās impossible. Maybe time and distance will make it easier; thatās why heās been training so hard and asking for more missions. To get away, however briefly. ]
Honestly, Iāmā¦ Iām just glad that youāre okay.
[ Suguru glances up at Yuji, brows lifted in curiosity. He hadnāt exactly gotten details of his own downward spiral in Yujiās timeline, so he assumes he was always going down this path as a teacher.
Right? ]
What do you mean?
[ He doesnāt realize how perilously close he was to making different choices, that Yuji was the lynchpin that kept him hinged in this newer, better reality. ]
[ Oh, he's messed up, and his eyes flicker up to Suguru's face briefly before he swallows and looks away. ]
Well, you know how things are for sorcerers. Anything could've happened in the ten years since I was gone, especially if I changed things without meaning to. You might have got hurt or something.
[ It's not completely a lie, but it's not entirely honest, either. ]
[ Well, thatās evasive as hell. Yuji has never been a good liar, and even a decade hasnāt diminished Suguruās ability to spot it.
Does he want to know? Rationally, he knows that nothing will change now, and whatever time Yuji came from before doesnāt exist anymore. So does it matter? Not necessarily. But Suguru can feel the curiosity sitting just under his skin. Heās always looking to understand, looking for meaning, and what meaning did he find in another time? Mulling over his best approach, Suguru reaches for Yujiās hand, pretending to inspect the black polish to assess if he should start on the last coat. ]
I might have gotten hurt or I did? [ He glances up with a cocked brow. ]
Does it matter if you tell me? You changed everything already, so whatās the harm in knowing?
It might matter. How am I meant to know what matters and what doesn't? Half of this world doesn't make sense to me any more.
[ He has a mother in this world, for one, somewhere out there. His grandpa had told him that. Suguru is alive and Gojo-sensei seems happier, and Megumi and Nobara don't know him as anyone different. It's a strange ache, to have people not remember the grief and trauma he's been through, but at least they're happy for it.
He draws his fingers away from Suguru's touch, feeling pained by it rather than comforted. This isn't what he wants. Even letting him paint his nails was a mistake, because it means they're this close and Yuji is so vulnerable. ]
Yuji practically retreats from Suguru, curling into himself and shuttering away, and Suguru knows he's pushed in the wrong way, prodded at something sore and unwelcome. He doesn't grab Yuji's hand back, even though part of him desperately wants to. ]
You don't have to go. [ Please stay. This feels like the longest he's been in a room with Yuji since the teen reappeared, and an inadvertent, sharp ache accompanies the idea of him leaving now.
(Even if Suguru should be encouraging the distance. Even if painting Yuji's nails was a bad idea and he knows it.) ]
But youāre free to leave, if you want to. [ Suguru won't deny Yuji his escape, especially when he knows it's probably for the best. ]
[ The words come out sharply, a little cruel and mean, a bitterness in him that's unfamiliar. Yuji's been angry before, filled with a kind of rage that he can never share with anyone else, but this? This is just hurt, burning inside of him and making him feel weak. ]
It wasn't even a month ago that we were in love and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and now - now I'm just a student. I'm nothing special, and that's fine, it's whatever, Suguru, you're grown up now and a teacher, and it isn't right, but...
[ He blinks, lifting his hand to cover his face. ]
This isn't fair. How come I made everyone else so much happier but ruined everything for myself?
[ Suguru is obviously taken aback by the venom in Yujiās voice. Heās not sure heās ever heard Yuji like that before ā or certainly never in Suguruās direction. The pain in his words, the clear anguish heās experiencing ā it resonates with a pain that Suguru has mourned for a decade now, and itās not fair that such an intense and important reality could slip his notice. Once again, Suguru has had time that Yuji has not been afforded. To recover, to grieve, to come to terms with his losses and rebuild. But the thing that Yuji has wanted to preserve so desperately was wrenched away from him and made nigh-unattainable because of the enormous chasm between them now.
Yuji fixed the world for everyone else and shattered his own.
Suguru moves before his good sense catches up to his brain and reaches across the space between them, rising onto his knees to pull Yuji close and into his arms. Suguru couldnāt help the way he hugged Yuji when he first found him again, but heās been careful to avoid a repeat incident back at school. But now, seeing Yuji in so much pain, the scars Suguru had thought healed are practically threatening to burst open all over again ā and itās like his body can only fathom one solution to the immense swell of empathy.
He has to hold Yuji. ]
Itās not fair. [ Suguruās voice is so quiet, the faintest crack of emotion making him hoarse. ]
You did everything right and itās not fair. [ Because that was what Suguru wanted, too. He thought that theyād spend their lives after graduation together, maybe even change things for the next generation of sorcerers ā together.
[ Yuji doesn't want to sink into his arms, he doesn't want to accept the comfort that Suguru is offering him, but he's powerless to break away from him and pull back. He can't do it, not when his heart is so full of pain and all he wants is to wrap himself up in the man he loves and never let himself go. His stomach is in knots, but there's nothing he can do to get rid of it, not when the one thing he wants is so far out of reach.
He's still Sukuna's vessel, but it's less of a threat now that Kenjaku's plans aren't going to unfold in front of them. He's still destined to die, and he's not sure how much of that Suguru actually knows. He's still so perfectly at his mercy, and yet his misery is so obvious that it makes him feel as if he might lose his lunch from trying to keep it buried for so long.
Nothing in his life has been particularly fair, so it's about time that it's caught up with him.
Shaking his head, he tries to pull himself out of Suguru's arms. ]
You - let go of me, Geto- I -
[ Sniffling, the tears capture him, captivate him, and he burns with it, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw the sharp tang of blood. ]
I'll transfer. I'll go away. It'll make it easier.
[ Suguru isnāt selfish enough to hold on when Yuji starts struggling against him, but his stomach twists with something sour and sharp when Yuji says he wants to leave. Suguru just got him back and now he wants to go? ]
Donātā [ But he stops short, his throat constricting against what he wants to say. He wants to beg Yuji to stay, to be here with him, but how can he? The time thatās passed, the distance between them nowā¦ how is it fair to ask Yuji to stay despite it all?
He feels seventeen again, staring at an empty bed and tearing through the school halls looking for any sign of Yuji. His hands shake as he watches the tears rising in Yujiās eyes, spilling over his cheeks, and Suguru wants so badly to wipe them away.
But no, those tears are his fault. Circumstance may have put them here, but Suguru is the one rejecting Yuji, the one who has to erect the wall between them, so he has no right to offer that comfort. And Yuji doesnāt want it. He wants to escape ā from Suguru. ]
Youāre not just a student, Yuji. You could never be just a student to me. [ So maybe Yuji should go? Butā¦ ]
I canātā [ Fuck, what is he trying to say? ]
I canāt lose you again. Please.
[ In another moment, heād never be able to stomach how pathetic he sounds, but the part of himself that never stitched back together at seventeen is bleeding into his words. ]
Yuji isn't Suguru's anymore. He's not the person that Suguru wants. They're not going to be together, the gulf between them obvious and wild, making him hate himself. Why had he ever come back to this time? Why had he been forced into the past? To save Suguru ready for someone else to take him away, to love him for the rest of their lives while he languishes with nothing?
It's horrible, it's terrible, and he drags himself away, the stitches of himself coming undone. He had tried so hard to be good, to be as respectful as Suguru needed, but it's too hard now when the man in front of him is saying the perfect things, the things that he needs to anchor him.
How can he stay?
How could he go?
Biting his lip, he closes his eyes again. ]
If I stay here, all I'll do is keep loving you. You've moved on, Geto-sensei, but I haven't. You have... You have someone else you can love now.
[ Ouch. The words hit their mark and sit like a boulder on Suguruās chest. He has to ignore the sick pit of his stomach, the threat of his voice breaking, because Yuji is right: Suguru doesnāt have Yuji now. Suguru isnāt seventeen, heās a father in everything but name to two girls Yujiās age, and heās Yujiās teacher.
Itās cruel of him not to tell Yuji to go. The mature, adult decision would be to ensure Yuji transfers and gets to haveā time. Distance. All the things that Suguru was afforded in the last decade, while Yuji was denied the mercy of the same.
Butā Yujiās wrong about one thing, and itās impossible for Suguru not to correct it. ]
I only ever loved you.
[ Thereās been no moving on for Suguru. Heās moved forward, but thatās not the same thing. There have been no relationships, no dates, no others that made their home in Suguruās heart like Yuji did. Even Satoru never crossed over into the realm beyond ābest friend,ā because so much of Suguruās love for Yuji was cordoned off from the rest of his existence, burning bright in the tiny shrine of Suguruās ribcage and never extinguishing.
He didnāt move on. He just managed to keep taking the next step forward, hoping it was the right one for his girls and the young sorcerers who have come to depend on him as their teacher. ]
I didnāt move on, Yuji. Itās only ever been you.
[ Yuji stares at Suguru, the tears rolling down his cheeks as he tries to get to grips with the fallout of this moment, all the words slipping out of his mouth stupidly and intensely. He should have kept his mouth shut, he shouldn't have said anything, he should've just left, transferred immediately, but...
How was he meant to leave Suguru behind, when he was alive here, alive and happy, with a chance to flourish and grow and be happy? It didn't matter if Yuji didn't get anything like that, because he just wanted the man he loved to be taken care of and happy. It didn't need to be him, did it?
Wiping at his face, he sniffles, staring at the floor and trying to put the pieces of himself back together. ]
You should. You'd be happier, Geto-sensei. I'm not right for you anymore, you've made that clear, and... I understand.
[ Suguru aches to reach for Yuji again, desperate to kiss away those tears and ensure Yuji knows how loved he's always beenā
He grits his teeth, shaking his head adamantly. ]
It's not because of you, Yuji. It wouldn't be fair of me to impose myself on you when youā you haven't even had the time to grow up like I have.
I can't take what's left of your childhood when every last choice since becoming a sorcerer hasn't even been your own.
[ Because all things considered, Yuji shouldn't have been forced into any of these situations. It shouldn't have been his responsibility to "fix the past" ā just like it shouldn't be his responsibility to bear Sukuna's curse for the foreseeable future. None of that should have fallen on Yuji's shoulders, and now, as the literal adult between them, shouldn't it be Suguru's obligation to lessen that load? ]
I haven't had a childhood. My parents died, and then my grandpa was gone, and after that I ate Sukuna's finger. After that, everything was terrible, it was all so miserable, and... And...
[ He bows his head, hands shaking. ]
Meeting you was one of the first times I had ever been happy, without any downside. Being able to love someone like you, and be loved in return... I chose to do that. I chose to be happy with you, because nothing else had ever been as good.
[ Fuck. In the same way Suguru's heart broke for Mimiko and Nanako in that village, he feels the sharp sting of empathy for the young man sitting in front of him who's had nothing in his life.
He wants so badly to pull Yuji close, but he keeps his hands in his lap, curled into fists. ]
... I might not be the same person that you loved back then, Yuji. Ten years is a long time, and I could be different from how you remember.
[ The irony is that, unlike the timeline where Yuji originated, Suguru is far closer to the optimistic self of his high school years. He's more jaded, maybe, rougher around the edges than he was as a teenager, but he still has a great deal of hope for the future, for the sorcerers of the next generation. He isn't leading a cult and bilking people out of money and curses for his own means. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Or maybe a nightmare, because Suguru is sitting here with Yuji, ten years his senior instead of his senpai. ]
Hopefully you won't have to now.
[ Because like hell is Suguru going to let Yuji be executed by anyone.
Suguru finishes one hand, then reaches for the other, starting on Yuji's thumb. The filing is ritualistic, almost, practiced and polished to an art. ]
Just because you can handle the pain, doesn't mean you should.
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[ The very fact that Suguru is alive is proof of Yuji being able to change things in the past. He needs to keep watch for Mahito, keep an eye on the higher ups, ensure that the curse inside him doesnāt get too close to Fushiguroā¦ Heās already warned Gojo-sensei about that, so hopefully itāll all be okay.
Kenjaku might still be out there, but he doesnāt have Suguruās body, soā¦
Glancing up, he smiles softly. ]
Itās better me than the people who canāt. Either way, itāll probably be fine.
[ His eyes flicker to Suguruās face, watching him with a painful fondness before he looks away, blushing. ]
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[ Yuji won't have to keep his history and his origins a secret ā at least, not in the same way he had in the past. Other people know, even if there are still some things Yuji can't share.
Finishing with Yuji's second hand, Suguru gently lifts both in his own palms, holding Yuji's respective fingers beside their twin to ensure he managed a consistent length across everything.
So far, so good.
Reaching now for the base coat, Suguru glances briefly up at Yuji, caught by the fetching pink staining the boy's cheeks, tinging his ears... It feels odd to find Yuji attractive now, because he knows that he shouldn't, but his heart doesn't care, apparently. He has to force himself to refocus, plucking up a clear bottle and unscrewing the cap before taking Yuji's hand again. ]
... I'm glad you're okay. [ Has he said that yet? ]
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[ ... And Suguru, but he doesn't want to say it, because things aren't the same.
Yuji looks at Suguru and sees a handsome, wonderful version of the boy that he fell in love with, the person he's still in love with, but that's not the case in return. Suguru looks at him and sees the boy he liked when he was younger, not someone he loves now, and it feels like the void between them grows each day.
Every time he sees Suguru and Gojo-sensei together, or with Shoko-san, or anyone that knows him well...
It makes him hurt.
Blinking, he forces himself to gaze down at his hand, trying to disguise how upset he feels and the sharpness and ache of his heart. The pain of it is agonising, but he can't force Suguru to still want him, not with the years that are between them now. ]
... Oh. Thanks, Su - Geto-sensei.
[ He bites his lip, frowning. ]
my ass finally not dying from work and jetlag
[ Yuji has known him all this time, after all, even if the circumstances are drastically different now. The closest thing they got to a power imbalance before was Suguru's status as Yuji's upperclassman, but that's practically nothing compared to the chasm between them now.
Holding Yuji's hand in his own now, he has to fight the urge to lace their fingers together, to offer Yuji that comfort and familiarity that built between them so effortlessly in the past. Those feelings haven't diminished, even with time.
Suguru resists, instead focusing on his application of a thin layer of the clear lacquer. ]
Half the students use Satoru's given name, anyway.
[ Manners whomst? ]
relatable
[ Yuji feels a touch uncomfortable with it, not because he doesn't want to call Suguru by his first name, but also because it feels like crossing a line. They've been very clear about the fact that their relationship isn't going to continue, that Suguru doesn't want to be put in that position with the new dynamic, and while it's broken Yuji's heart he's doing his best to follow it.
Suguru doesn't want this any more. It's been too long, and Yuji is too young, despite the desperation he feels, the love that he feels burning inside of him as a constant flame. ]
I don't know if that's really a good idea.
[ Looking at his hand, he swallows. ]
I don't want to get the wrong idea, after all.
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... Ah.
[ Right. That makes sense.
Suguru may have had a decade to get over Yuji (even if he didn't), but their relationship is a lot fresher to the teenager. That's a big deal, and ignoring reality won't make this any easier for Yuji.
Suguru doesn't reach for the black polish immediately, hesitating as Yuji's hand sits in his own. ]
You know it's for your own good that we... can't, right, Yuji?
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The open and honest communication had happened almost right away when he had come back, Suguru putting the distance between them because of their new age gap, but that doesn't mean he's dealt with it yet. For Yuji, it had barely been a few weeks since he had been curled up with Suguru in their shared bed, whispering stories and promises of their love for each other.
For Suguru, it had been a decade. Of course, he doesn't want him or love him any more, not with so long to get over it and forget about him.
Blinking, he stares at the table as he nods his head. ]
I know that, Geto-sensei. I'm not asking for it.
[ Even if he desperately wants it. ]
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[ And that should be a relief, shouldn't it? That Yuji is the sweet, respectful boy that he's always been, making it almost easy to transition into this other kind of relationship, professional and appropriate for a teacher and student. And it should be easy ā it should feel simple, because Yuji is a teenager. Suguru is nearing thirty now.
They can't.
Reaching for the black polish, Suguru falls quiet as he starts to work his way across Yuji's fingers again, layering a perfectly smooth sheen of lacquer over each blank nail. He makes it through two full coats, then sets the bottle aside, gently resting Yuji's hands on his knees to keep the wet polish unblemished. ]
We have to let it dry for a moment before I apply the top coat.
[ He explains himself somewhat numbly, his gaze remaining on Yuji's hands instead of the boy's face. He knows that if he stares for too long, while they're sitting close like this, he might... slip and forget that this isn't high school for him anymore. It's hard to resist his own nostalgia and the sharp ache that comes with seeing Yuji again when Suguru had truly believed that Yuji died. He'd vanished so completely, what else could Suguru assume?
But here Yuji is, the exact same as before. The problem is that Suguru isn't the same anymore. ]
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He hasnāt demanded any special treatment, hasnāt asked for private lessons, hasnāt been impolite with Suguru - he hasnāt even let on to anyone else that thereās a history between them. The only person that would remember is Gojo-sensei, and he seems happy enough to stay tight lipped for nowā¦ Though that might have been under the threat of something like violence.
It doesnāt make it easier, though.
Missing Suguru has been hard, and the gulf between them has broken his heart. Heās doing all he can to move on, but itās impossible. Maybe time and distance will make it easier; thatās why heās been training so hard and asking for more missions. To get away, however briefly. ]
Honestly, Iāmā¦ Iām just glad that youāre okay.
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Right? ]
What do you mean?
[ He doesnāt realize how perilously close he was to making different choices, that Yuji was the lynchpin that kept him hinged in this newer, better reality. ]
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Well, you know how things are for sorcerers. Anything could've happened in the ten years since I was gone, especially if I changed things without meaning to. You might have got hurt or something.
[ It's not completely a lie, but it's not entirely honest, either. ]
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Does he want to know? Rationally, he knows that nothing will change now, and whatever time Yuji came from before doesnāt exist anymore. So does it matter? Not necessarily. But Suguru can feel the curiosity sitting just under his skin. Heās always looking to understand, looking for meaning, and what meaning did he find in another time? Mulling over his best approach, Suguru reaches for Yujiās hand, pretending to inspect the black polish to assess if he should start on the last coat. ]
I might have gotten hurt or I did? [ He glances up with a cocked brow. ]
Does it matter if you tell me? You changed everything already, so whatās the harm in knowing?
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It might matter. How am I meant to know what matters and what doesn't? Half of this world doesn't make sense to me any more.
[ He has a mother in this world, for one, somewhere out there. His grandpa had told him that. Suguru is alive and Gojo-sensei seems happier, and Megumi and Nobara don't know him as anyone different. It's a strange ache, to have people not remember the grief and trauma he's been through, but at least they're happy for it.
He draws his fingers away from Suguru's touch, feeling pained by it rather than comforted. This isn't what he wants. Even letting him paint his nails was a mistake, because it means they're this close and Yuji is so vulnerable. ]
Maybe I should go, sensei.
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Yuji practically retreats from Suguru, curling into himself and shuttering away, and Suguru knows he's pushed in the wrong way, prodded at something sore and unwelcome. He doesn't grab Yuji's hand back, even though part of him desperately wants to. ]
You don't have to go. [ Please stay. This feels like the longest he's been in a room with Yuji since the teen reappeared, and an inadvertent, sharp ache accompanies the idea of him leaving now.
(Even if Suguru should be encouraging the distance. Even if painting Yuji's nails was a bad idea and he knows it.) ]
But youāre free to leave, if you want to. [ Suguru won't deny Yuji his escape, especially when he knows it's probably for the best. ]
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[ The words come out sharply, a little cruel and mean, a bitterness in him that's unfamiliar. Yuji's been angry before, filled with a kind of rage that he can never share with anyone else, but this? This is just hurt, burning inside of him and making him feel weak. ]
It wasn't even a month ago that we were in love and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life taking care of you, and now - now I'm just a student. I'm nothing special, and that's fine, it's whatever, Suguru, you're grown up now and a teacher, and it isn't right, but...
[ He blinks, lifting his hand to cover his face. ]
This isn't fair. How come I made everyone else so much happier but ruined everything for myself?
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Yuji fixed the world for everyone else and shattered his own.
Suguru moves before his good sense catches up to his brain and reaches across the space between them, rising onto his knees to pull Yuji close and into his arms. Suguru couldnāt help the way he hugged Yuji when he first found him again, but heās been careful to avoid a repeat incident back at school. But now, seeing Yuji in so much pain, the scars Suguru had thought healed are practically threatening to burst open all over again ā and itās like his body can only fathom one solution to the immense swell of empathy.
He has to hold Yuji. ]
Itās not fair. [ Suguruās voice is so quiet, the faintest crack of emotion making him hoarse. ]
You did everything right and itās not fair. [ Because that was what Suguru wanted, too. He thought that theyād spend their lives after graduation together, maybe even change things for the next generation of sorcerers ā together.
Nothing about this is fucking fair. ]
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He's still Sukuna's vessel, but it's less of a threat now that Kenjaku's plans aren't going to unfold in front of them. He's still destined to die, and he's not sure how much of that Suguru actually knows. He's still so perfectly at his mercy, and yet his misery is so obvious that it makes him feel as if he might lose his lunch from trying to keep it buried for so long.
Nothing in his life has been particularly fair, so it's about time that it's caught up with him.
Shaking his head, he tries to pull himself out of Suguru's arms. ]
You - let go of me, Geto- I -
[ Sniffling, the tears capture him, captivate him, and he burns with it, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw the sharp tang of blood. ]
I'll transfer. I'll go away. It'll make it easier.
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Donātā [ But he stops short, his throat constricting against what he wants to say. He wants to beg Yuji to stay, to be here with him, but how can he? The time thatās passed, the distance between them nowā¦ how is it fair to ask Yuji to stay despite it all?
He feels seventeen again, staring at an empty bed and tearing through the school halls looking for any sign of Yuji. His hands shake as he watches the tears rising in Yujiās eyes, spilling over his cheeks, and Suguru wants so badly to wipe them away.
But no, those tears are his fault. Circumstance may have put them here, but Suguru is the one rejecting Yuji, the one who has to erect the wall between them, so he has no right to offer that comfort. And Yuji doesnāt want it. He wants to escape ā from Suguru. ]
Youāre not just a student, Yuji. You could never be just a student to me. [ So maybe Yuji should go? Butā¦ ]
I canātā [ Fuck, what is he trying to say? ]
I canāt lose you again. Please.
[ In another moment, heād never be able to stomach how pathetic he sounds, but the part of himself that never stitched back together at seventeen is bleeding into his words. ]
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[ And that's the truth, isn't it?
Yuji isn't Suguru's anymore. He's not the person that Suguru wants. They're not going to be together, the gulf between them obvious and wild, making him hate himself. Why had he ever come back to this time? Why had he been forced into the past? To save Suguru ready for someone else to take him away, to love him for the rest of their lives while he languishes with nothing?
It's horrible, it's terrible, and he drags himself away, the stitches of himself coming undone. He had tried so hard to be good, to be as respectful as Suguru needed, but it's too hard now when the man in front of him is saying the perfect things, the things that he needs to anchor him.
How can he stay?
How could he go?
Biting his lip, he closes his eyes again. ]
If I stay here, all I'll do is keep loving you. You've moved on, Geto-sensei, but I haven't. You have... You have someone else you can love now.
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Itās cruel of him not to tell Yuji to go. The mature, adult decision would be to ensure Yuji transfers and gets to haveā time. Distance. All the things that Suguru was afforded in the last decade, while Yuji was denied the mercy of the same.
Butā Yujiās wrong about one thing, and itās impossible for Suguru not to correct it. ]
I only ever loved you.
[ Thereās been no moving on for Suguru. Heās moved forward, but thatās not the same thing. There have been no relationships, no dates, no others that made their home in Suguruās heart like Yuji did. Even Satoru never crossed over into the realm beyond ābest friend,ā because so much of Suguruās love for Yuji was cordoned off from the rest of his existence, burning bright in the tiny shrine of Suguruās ribcage and never extinguishing.
He didnāt move on. He just managed to keep taking the next step forward, hoping it was the right one for his girls and the young sorcerers who have come to depend on him as their teacher. ]
I didnāt move on, Yuji. Itās only ever been you.
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How was he meant to leave Suguru behind, when he was alive here, alive and happy, with a chance to flourish and grow and be happy? It didn't matter if Yuji didn't get anything like that, because he just wanted the man he loved to be taken care of and happy. It didn't need to be him, did it?
Wiping at his face, he sniffles, staring at the floor and trying to put the pieces of himself back together. ]
You should. You'd be happier, Geto-sensei. I'm not right for you anymore, you've made that clear, and... I understand.
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He grits his teeth, shaking his head adamantly. ]
It's not because of you, Yuji. It wouldn't be fair of me to impose myself on you when youā you haven't even had the time to grow up like I have.
I can't take what's left of your childhood when every last choice since becoming a sorcerer hasn't even been your own.
[ Because all things considered, Yuji shouldn't have been forced into any of these situations. It shouldn't have been his responsibility to "fix the past" ā just like it shouldn't be his responsibility to bear Sukuna's curse for the foreseeable future. None of that should have fallen on Yuji's shoulders, and now, as the literal adult between them, shouldn't it be Suguru's obligation to lessen that load? ]
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[ Yuji sniffles, shaking his head. ]
I haven't had a childhood. My parents died, and then my grandpa was gone, and after that I ate Sukuna's finger. After that, everything was terrible, it was all so miserable, and... And...
[ He bows his head, hands shaking. ]
Meeting you was one of the first times I had ever been happy, without any downside. Being able to love someone like you, and be loved in return... I chose to do that. I chose to be happy with you, because nothing else had ever been as good.
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He wants so badly to pull Yuji close, but he keeps his hands in his lap, curled into fists. ]
... I might not be the same person that you loved back then, Yuji. Ten years is a long time, and I could be different from how you remember.
[ The irony is that, unlike the timeline where Yuji originated, Suguru is far closer to the optimistic self of his high school years. He's more jaded, maybe, rougher around the edges than he was as a teenager, but he still has a great deal of hope for the future, for the sorcerers of the next generation. He isn't leading a cult and bilking people out of money and curses for his own means. ]
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