[ What Choso will notice is Yuji’s hurt petulance - in that he has taken his own tracker ring off and left it in his room, and has mostly forgotten he’s done it. The few days have made him less angry, but hasn’t made him feel less sad about the situation, so he’s spent most of his time moping, baking and fighting Yuta.
[ the problem, see, is that choso does not know what to do, what to say. he has never incurred yuji’s wrath like this before, has never had to field something like this in the entirety of his cursed life. days in vegas spent bottling it so as not to let it bleed into Nanami’s precious time has done little in the way of leading choso to a solution, has told him nothing save that he has possibly destroyed something he doesn’t know the shape of.
‘don’t bother messaging’, Yuji had said, one more jagged line on the mountain of them that choso has accumulated from their time under the earth.
so he runs, and he hides, and he snips away at paper and strings and ribbons in a bubble around a forge halfway across the country.
[ There’s a cake in the freezer he needs to deal with eventually. He has to make sure Eresh can help with decorations. Raidou with food. He has so many things he needs to do and it keeps his mind off what’s going on in his head and the strange, stabbing hurt that he still feels in his chest.
After talking to his friends, he knows he could’ve been better at explaining why he was so upset. Why he went straight to anger. Why this birthday in particular meant something to him, was so special. But at that moment, surprised as he was by the news, there wasn’t really time for him to be rational, not in the wake of last month, and seeing Yuta, and remembering.
It’s possible he could’ve reacted better, but he was allowed to be mad. He’s allowed to be upset. How often does he take offence to anything?
Approaching the forge, he pauses when he senses the energy inside. His fingers flex, reminding him of his missing ring - not that it would matter, since they don’t have theirs - and he swallows before he drops the box of supplies inside the barrier and turns to walk in the other direction. ]
[ blood sings to blood, and as it was then it is now that choso can feel the moment Yuji sets foot in Kyoto. it’s a song that only reverberates louder the closer he gets, the builds and builds until it’s almost deafening even despite the divine barrier that lies between the forge and the outside world.
choso, he isn’t certain if he’s relieved or frightened of whatever comes. he isn’t certain until that most dearest of presences halts, and begins to move away, and the ache resolves itself into a fear too familiar to just swallow down. he may not have lost Yuji to the underworld then, but is he really okay with losing Yuji to his own stupidity? no, better to die again than let that happen. better to rip his own ribs open again.
something small and warm winds around Yuji’s fingers. if he looks, a thread-thin tendril of blood hangs suspended from where it’s wrapped itself around his hand like a wayward spiderweb.
back at the forge’s main building, a sleepy eye peers out from the shadows of one of the sliding doors, oozing something dark from the mark across its face. ]
[ If Yuji was the kind of person to be cruel, he’d snap that thread immediately. He has the power to do it, and the anger that comes with it, but he’s not that sort of person. While he might feel a numb little hurt inside him, he doesn’t really want to go out of his way to hurt Choso in return, especially not after what happened in the Underworld.
He’s not cruel, but he’s not sure if he’s ready, either.
Letting the blood curl around his fingers is easy enough, and he turns his body to look and see the wayward shape of his brother behind him, peering out of him. He knows why Choso wouldn’t have said he’s back, but jr still leaves a bad taste on his tongue, something bitter. They’ve never argued before, not like this, and Yuji doesn’t know how to handle it.
He’s also not sure if he’s ready to hear it, a raw little wound he’s festered.
Standing, he watches Choso, face as blank as he can make it. ]
[ it’s bad, cap’n. Yuji looks like he did at those dreaded gates. clean of blood and healthier under the sun, yes, but his face is a blank slate that choso cannot read, the link between them not meant to share things as intimate as thoughts or feelings.
all he has is that Yuji is here, and Yuji does not want to speak to him.
a hand lifts from the shadows, pale in the darkness, a motion like maybe it’s reaching for Yuji out there in the light, and as it moves the little thread trembles, as if choso’s own fingers were what it was anchored to.
but he can’t. he can’t speak, not without Yuji’s say-so. he cannot cross that line after he’d already run roughshod over all the others.
the hand drops, the head lowers, that eye closing and shifting out of sight, but the thread remains, tenuous and hopeful. ]
Toeing that line between curse and human, adjusting to having human feelings and all that comes with it, learning to live in this world - it’s not easy. He understands it and he usually has a lot of grace and forgiveness when it comes to his brother because of it. He’s also aware that he told Choso not to message him, and knowing his brother he’ll take it seriously.
It just doesn’t stop him being annoyed right now, in his stinging pain.
Choso reaching out and just gazing at him, forlorn, does inspire sympathy, but he doesn’t want it to. He wants to be mad for a little longer, to grieve what he believes he lost and the discomfort of how Choso ended their argument. It was deliberate to hurt him, especially after what happened with Toji, and now Yuji has to worry about how he’s going to act around Nanami. He’s never had to worry about that before.
[ what to say? how to apologize? how to even begin? he let himself act on anger before he left, he let himself be selfish, thinking of nothing but what lay at the end of the portal.
does Yuji even want an apology from something like choso?
did Yuji not deserve better than this, after all he’s been through?
did Yuji not deserve an effort, at least? ]
I am sorry, Yuji.
[ it drifts out of the building, like some pitiful ghost’s mutterings. ]
You do not have to forgive me, but I am sorry that I did what I did. I should not have gone. I should not have taken him from you.
Do not treat Nanami any different. Please. It was my doing.
Are you sorry, or do you just think it’s the right thing to say because it’s me?
[ One of the best and worst traits Choso has is his decision and dedication, and Yuji knows that. He literally got away with murder because Choso loves him so much, and that’s something he can’t forget. It means, in moments like this, that he can’t tell if Choso means things or if he just wants to bridge the gap.
Sighing, he rubs his face, the red line of blood wobbling. ]
I don’t care that you took a holiday or you went somewhere. You both deserve a break after what happened. It’s just… Do you even get why I was so mad? Because if you don’t then you don’t know why you’re saying sorry to me.
[ Yuji, who watched them both die, choso more than once. Yuji, who was left to finish his battle with Sukuna on his own in the wake of total destruction. Yuji, who suffered alone under the dirt. ]
I did not think of you or your feelings in my haste to make that trip happen. I thought that just telling you as it was happening was enough.
[ he has had days to run it over and over and over and over in his mind, turning it over in his head until it had worn smooth as a hagstone. days to read and reread their exchange and internalize it until the entirety of him became just one aching bruise. ]
I am sorry because I am supposed to be better, but I left you behind.
[ It comes out louder than he means it, his eyes flickering a little, damp with tears as he breathes in and out. In for a penny, he thinks, and - they need to be honest. They’re brothers. They have to understand each other better than this. ]
I didn’t care about you going away and doing whatever you and Nanami did together. It’s not like I have to be everywhere you go, it’s not! It’s…
[ His hands shake and his voice gets choked. How pathetic, he thinks, how childish, for a day Nanami didn’t even care about.
(Not ‘Nanamin’ again. Not yet). ]
He died right in front of me. Mahito blew the top of his body off, and - and his last words were to still guide me. I wasn’t fast enough to save him, and he still thought of me, and this was the first time! It was the first time I ever got to see Nanami on his birthday, and I know it’s stupid and I know I’m being childish, but I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted him to understand how special he is, and I had to freeze his stupid cake because i didn’t know if he’d be back, and now it’ll taste weird!
[ Because that’s the issue here. ]
And you left, and you left your rings, and that’s fine, you wanted privacy or whatever, but what if something happened? What if the portal didn’t work? What if a Rift appeared? You could’ve got hurt or died and I’d never know because your rings were here and you turned off texts and I had no idea where you went!
[ Actively crying now, Yuji breathes in harshly. ]
It was the day before and I thought it was on purpose, so you didn’t have to see me, either of you, because of everything I did, and I know that’s stupid but…
[ He’s a kid. No matter how much he pretends otherwise, he’s just a kid, isn’t he? ]
You’re both dead. I don’t know how many more of these happy moments I’ll have left, and now another one is gone.
[ it strikes him, more sure and more sharp than any blade. it pierces him right through the heart and for a long moment, choso forgets how to breath.
he had never heard how exactly Nanami had died. the assumption had been that Shibuya simply swallowed him up like it did all those countless hundreds, thousands of humans, lost to become ash and dirt like everyone else. that one of the Cursed Spirits did it had occurred to him, but distantly; it had never been that important to him until he came to Neo-Tokyo.
Mahito. Mahito had done it. Its horrific touch, wet and visceral and so hideously uncaring of the consequences, had been the last Nanami had ever felt. The last Yuji had ever seen of Nanami.
he’d seen it. he’d seen it, and choso had helped usher that calamity in.
he doesn’t realise he’s moved until he very nearly trips ass-over-teakettle off the engawa, and its only by grace of his absurd strength that he manages to not biff it in the dirt.
listen: Yuji is crying and it is your fault, choso. you took something special and irreplaceable from him for what? you let him worry after the horrors of ereshkigal’s underworld while you gallivanted in Vegas. you died before his very eyes twice in your cursed life. you let Mahito’s ilk run free while you— what? cried in the subway?
listen, choso: you did this. ]
Yuji-!
[ he makes it halfway across the yard before he stops, barefoot and rumpled. pieces and flecks of paper lay stuck to his clothes and hands, frayed string ends littering his lap in multi-coloured tufts. his face is stricken, hands outstretched as if to embrace, but he doesn’t go any further. he can’t. he will not allow himself.
what can he possibly give to Yuji after all of this? how can he possibly make this trespass any better? ]
[ Yuji shakes his head immediately, trying to get his breathing under control. He knows Choso well enough to know exactly what’s going on in his head, and he has to stop it before it gets out of hand. If he’s not careful, he’s going to end up digging them into an even bigger hole then they’re already in. ]
Stop, Choso. I don’t want you to feel guilty about having a break or doing something fun. That’s - it’s not -
[ He takes a deep breath, in and out, slowly, to try and calm down. ]
I know I didn’t say anything either, but I was just so mad that it was all decided and I was so worried about it all. I’m sure Nanami didn’t even want to celebrate his birthday so maybe it was for the better this way, but that doesn’t make it stop hurting. I-I don’t know what to do to make it all stop.
[ A sleeve wiped under his nose, across his eyes, because of the tears. ]
I love him so much. All I want is for him to be happy. You too. Do you get it? [ Big, water stained eyes stare at Choso, encircled in red from his tears. ] That’s why I was mad. Do you understand it?
[ It’s not Choso’s fault that Yuji is damaged and afraid, but can he see the cracks now? ]
[ all he can see are the cracks sometimes. the fissures laid into this boy, the fucking canyons carved, and he knows he has had a hand in letting the deepest come to pass. ]
I— I do. I don’t.
[ there is too much to hold, all at once. too many pieces to fit into the empty puzzle board that is Itadori Yuji, and each one is razor-edged where it isn’t broken clean in half. he has tried for too long to put the pieces in without looking at them. ]
I— I do not know how to help you, Yuji. [ and it is so quiet when he says it, a horrified whisper. ]
I do not know what I can say or do to make this better. To— to undo what I took from you.
[ hands flex, lowering to his sides, and the little red thread around Yuji’s hand begins to shake, unstable.
when next choso speaks, it sounds like a confession. ]
I do not know why you still look at me, knowing all of this. Why you can say you love me, despite everything I have done before even this.
I don’t know either. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
[ So much loss, and death, and pain, in so few short months. Yuji is strong, but he’s not invincible, and the amount of people that have been torn from him and the way his body and spirit have been battered and bruised is obvious. His spirit and soul might be unbreakable, but that doesn’t mean the weight doesn’t rest on him all the same.
Suffering, he swallows back the lump in his throat and tries to stay focussed. ]
You’re my brother, Choso. You’ve saved my life more times than I can count, and you’ve always been there for me, at my side. I don’t know if I’ve done a good enough job in return, but I want to keep living with you. The idea of losing you again… I wouldn’t be able to take it.
[ Selfish. He’s so fucking selfish, so childish, all him. He should bite his tongue and swallow it all back.
Instead, he opens his arms, ready for an embrace if Choso wants it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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it’s his birthday.
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i’m sorry, yuji
it is just that
i cannot give him the thing i want to in the city
so this is my gift to him
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nanami should enjoy his birthday, so take him
i hope he has fun
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you can hit me when i return
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anything else?
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its masochism
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don’t bother messaging me when you come back
[ and he takes off his own tracker ring and shoves it in a drawer, how about THAT ]
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[ liquor budget: expanded. he’s going to need it with this dire blow. ]
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Some Days Later…
blood answers to blood, but it’s a brief thing; he’s in Tokyo, and then he’s gone through LILITH’s data portals again.
User Online. ]
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Healthy mechanisms. ]
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‘don’t bother messaging’, Yuji had said, one more jagged line on the mountain of them that choso has accumulated from their time under the earth.
so he runs, and he hides, and he snips away at paper and strings and ribbons in a bubble around a forge halfway across the country.
healthy mechanisms. ]
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After talking to his friends, he knows he could’ve been better at explaining why he was so upset. Why he went straight to anger. Why this birthday in particular meant something to him, was so special. But at that moment, surprised as he was by the news, there wasn’t really time for him to be rational, not in the wake of last month, and seeing Yuta, and remembering.
It’s possible he could’ve reacted better, but he was allowed to be mad. He’s allowed to be upset. How often does he take offence to anything?
Approaching the forge, he pauses when he senses the energy inside. His fingers flex, reminding him of his missing ring - not that it would matter, since they don’t have theirs - and he swallows before he drops the box of supplies inside the barrier and turns to walk in the other direction. ]
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choso, he isn’t certain if he’s relieved or frightened of whatever comes. he isn’t certain until that most dearest of presences halts, and begins to move away, and the ache resolves itself into a fear too familiar to just swallow down. he may not have lost Yuji to the underworld then, but is he really okay with losing Yuji to his own stupidity? no, better to die again than let that happen. better to rip his own ribs open again.
something small and warm winds around Yuji’s fingers. if he looks, a thread-thin tendril of blood hangs suspended from where it’s wrapped itself around his hand like a wayward spiderweb.
back at the forge’s main building, a sleepy eye peers out from the shadows of one of the sliding doors, oozing something dark from the mark across its face. ]
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He’s not cruel, but he’s not sure if he’s ready, either.
Letting the blood curl around his fingers is easy enough, and he turns his body to look and see the wayward shape of his brother behind him, peering out of him. He knows why Choso wouldn’t have said he’s back, but jr still leaves a bad taste on his tongue, something bitter. They’ve never argued before, not like this, and Yuji doesn’t know how to handle it.
He’s also not sure if he’s ready to hear it, a raw little wound he’s festered.
Standing, he watches Choso, face as blank as he can make it. ]
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all he has is that Yuji is here, and Yuji does not want to speak to him.
a hand lifts from the shadows, pale in the darkness, a motion like maybe it’s reaching for Yuji out there in the light, and as it moves the little thread trembles, as if choso’s own fingers were what it was anchored to.
but he can’t. he can’t speak, not without Yuji’s say-so. he cannot cross that line after he’d already run roughshod over all the others.
the hand drops, the head lowers, that eye closing and shifting out of sight, but the thread remains, tenuous and hopeful. ]
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Toeing that line between curse and human, adjusting to having human feelings and all that comes with it, learning to live in this world - it’s not easy. He understands it and he usually has a lot of grace and forgiveness when it comes to his brother because of it. He’s also aware that he told Choso not to message him, and knowing his brother he’ll take it seriously.
It just doesn’t stop him being annoyed right now, in his stinging pain.
Choso reaching out and just gazing at him, forlorn, does inspire sympathy, but he doesn’t want it to. He wants to be mad for a little longer, to grieve what he believes he lost and the discomfort of how Choso ended their argument. It was deliberate to hurt him, especially after what happened with Toji, and now Yuji has to worry about how he’s going to act around Nanami. He’s never had to worry about that before.
Breathing out sharply, he wipes his face. ]
If you want to say something, then say it.
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does Yuji even want an apology from something like choso?
did Yuji not deserve better than this, after all he’s been through?
did Yuji not deserve an effort, at least? ]
I am sorry, Yuji.
[ it drifts out of the building, like some pitiful ghost’s mutterings. ]
You do not have to forgive me, but I am sorry that I did what I did. I should not have gone. I should not have taken him from you.
Do not treat Nanami any different. Please. It was my doing.
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[ One of the best and worst traits Choso has is his decision and dedication, and Yuji knows that. He literally got away with murder because Choso loves him so much, and that’s something he can’t forget. It means, in moments like this, that he can’t tell if Choso means things or if he just wants to bridge the gap.
Sighing, he rubs his face, the red line of blood wobbling. ]
I don’t care that you took a holiday or you went somewhere. You both deserve a break after what happened. It’s just… Do you even get why I was so mad? Because if you don’t then you don’t know why you’re saying sorry to me.
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[ Yuji, who watched them both die, choso more than once. Yuji, who was left to finish his battle with Sukuna on his own in the wake of total destruction. Yuji, who suffered alone under the dirt. ]
I did not think of you or your feelings in my haste to make that trip happen. I thought that just telling you as it was happening was enough.
[ he has had days to run it over and over and over and over in his mind, turning it over in his head until it had worn smooth as a hagstone. days to read and reread their exchange and internalize it until the entirety of him became just one aching bruise. ]
I am sorry because I am supposed to be better, but I left you behind.
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[ It comes out louder than he means it, his eyes flickering a little, damp with tears as he breathes in and out. In for a penny, he thinks, and - they need to be honest. They’re brothers. They have to understand each other better than this. ]
I didn’t care about you going away and doing whatever you and Nanami did together. It’s not like I have to be everywhere you go, it’s not! It’s…
[ His hands shake and his voice gets choked. How pathetic, he thinks, how childish, for a day Nanami didn’t even care about.
(Not ‘Nanamin’ again. Not yet). ]
He died right in front of me. Mahito blew the top of his body off, and - and his last words were to still guide me. I wasn’t fast enough to save him, and he still thought of me, and this was the first time! It was the first time I ever got to see Nanami on his birthday, and I know it’s stupid and I know I’m being childish, but I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted him to understand how special he is, and I had to freeze his stupid cake because i didn’t know if he’d be back, and now it’ll taste weird!
[ Because that’s the issue here. ]
And you left, and you left your rings, and that’s fine, you wanted privacy or whatever, but what if something happened? What if the portal didn’t work? What if a Rift appeared? You could’ve got hurt or died and I’d never know because your rings were here and you turned off texts and I had no idea where you went!
[ Actively crying now, Yuji breathes in harshly. ]
It was the day before and I thought it was on purpose, so you didn’t have to see me, either of you, because of everything I did, and I know that’s stupid but…
[ He’s a kid. No matter how much he pretends otherwise, he’s just a kid, isn’t he? ]
You’re both dead. I don’t know how many more of these happy moments I’ll have left, and now another one is gone.
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he had never heard how exactly Nanami had died. the assumption had been that Shibuya simply swallowed him up like it did all those countless hundreds, thousands of humans, lost to become ash and dirt like everyone else. that one of the Cursed Spirits did it had occurred to him, but distantly; it had never been that important to him until he came to Neo-Tokyo.
Mahito. Mahito had done it. Its horrific touch, wet and visceral and so hideously uncaring of the consequences, had been the last Nanami had ever felt. The last Yuji had ever seen of Nanami.
he’d seen it. he’d seen it, and choso had helped usher that calamity in.
he doesn’t realise he’s moved until he very nearly trips ass-over-teakettle off the engawa, and its only by grace of his absurd strength that he manages to not biff it in the dirt.
listen: Yuji is crying and it is your fault, choso. you took something special and irreplaceable from him for what? you let him worry after the horrors of ereshkigal’s underworld while you gallivanted in Vegas. you died before his very eyes twice in your cursed life. you let Mahito’s ilk run free while you— what? cried in the subway?
listen, choso: you did this. ]
Yuji-!
[ he makes it halfway across the yard before he stops, barefoot and rumpled. pieces and flecks of paper lay stuck to his clothes and hands, frayed string ends littering his lap in multi-coloured tufts. his face is stricken, hands outstretched as if to embrace, but he doesn’t go any further. he can’t. he will not allow himself.
what can he possibly give to Yuji after all of this? how can he possibly make this trespass any better? ]
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Stop, Choso. I don’t want you to feel guilty about having a break or doing something fun. That’s - it’s not -
[ He takes a deep breath, in and out, slowly, to try and calm down. ]
I know I didn’t say anything either, but I was just so mad that it was all decided and I was so worried about it all. I’m sure Nanami didn’t even want to celebrate his birthday so maybe it was for the better this way, but that doesn’t make it stop hurting. I-I don’t know what to do to make it all stop.
[ A sleeve wiped under his nose, across his eyes, because of the tears. ]
I love him so much. All I want is for him to be happy. You too. Do you get it? [ Big, water stained eyes stare at Choso, encircled in red from his tears. ] That’s why I was mad. Do you understand it?
[ It’s not Choso’s fault that Yuji is damaged and afraid, but can he see the cracks now? ]
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I— I do. I don’t.
[ there is too much to hold, all at once. too many pieces to fit into the empty puzzle board that is Itadori Yuji, and each one is razor-edged where it isn’t broken clean in half. he has tried for too long to put the pieces in without looking at them. ]
I— I do not know how to help you, Yuji. [ and it is so quiet when he says it, a horrified whisper. ]
I do not know what I can say or do to make this better. To— to undo what I took from you.
[ hands flex, lowering to his sides, and the little red thread around Yuji’s hand begins to shake, unstable.
when next choso speaks, it sounds like a confession. ]
I do not know why you still look at me, knowing all of this. Why you can say you love me, despite everything I have done before even this.
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[ So much loss, and death, and pain, in so few short months. Yuji is strong, but he’s not invincible, and the amount of people that have been torn from him and the way his body and spirit have been battered and bruised is obvious. His spirit and soul might be unbreakable, but that doesn’t mean the weight doesn’t rest on him all the same.
Suffering, he swallows back the lump in his throat and tries to stay focussed. ]
You’re my brother, Choso. You’ve saved my life more times than I can count, and you’ve always been there for me, at my side. I don’t know if I’ve done a good enough job in return, but I want to keep living with you. The idea of losing you again… I wouldn’t be able to take it.
[ Selfish. He’s so fucking selfish, so childish, all him. He should bite his tongue and swallow it all back.
Instead, he opens his arms, ready for an embrace if Choso wants it. ]
Stay with me, and I’ll stay with you.
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jjk spoilers?
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