( His hand lifts, thumb pressing briefly between his brows before he presses the cold of his can there instead. It's just a momentary action, Geto drops it to drink something fizzy in the next instance. )
I thought not knowing things would be better. What can I do now? I can't change any of it. I'm dead, what has the rest of it to do with me? ( His tone is even, careful. He's not laying any of the blame at Itadori's feet. It's mostly an explanation. ) But it finds me eventually, doesn't it? And knowing I have no place in it doesn't make it hurt any less. Because I should have a place in it.
( He should have been there. He should have stayed. Not because his feelings have changed, but because he had friends. He had loved ones. He has done nothing to protect him. )
I can't change it either, and that... I hate it, I hate it, Geto-san, because I can't do anything to help anyone else.
[ Yuji closes his eyes, forcing himself to breathe in and out before he manages to find some kind of strength inside himself, to push the pieces together. He hadn't been able to do anything to protect the people he loves, and that kills him. ]
( The boy is too hard on himself. Geto already knows that. And while he doesn't have the details it's easy to imagine how difficult it all must have been. )
It sounds like you were fighting hard, Itadori-kun. And no one expects Satoru to be taken off the battleground. You were left wrongfooted. What happened after that?
[ Yuji, who has a little more context now, feels the strange twist of discomfort inside of him. It's not like he dislikes the idea of there being a romance between them (Geto has grown on him!) but it's that odd feeling of your parents doing something gross or romantic.
He's never felt that before, obviously, orphan as he is, but he thinks this might be how it felt. ]
Maybe. But we were strong enough, so... We trained. And Okkotsu-senpai went to fight Kenjaku and Gojo-sensei went to fight Sukuna. [ A breath. ] In Megumi's body. Not mine.
( He'd met the boy once, though both Itadori and Gojo have mentioned him. That makes Geto even more disquiet somehow. How many times will there be bodies his friend cared for used against him? He raised the boy, didn't he? He might act callous, but he knows he isn't.
... Was that how Kenjaku caught him too? Could it have been something other than rage that stilled Gojo? No. )
[ He feels - stupid, every time he thinks about it. It makes him miserable, no matter how much other people have forgiven him, even though Megumi himself has forgiven him. It makes him want to rip his own hair out. ]
We all watched it. I think Gojo-sensei liked it, knowing we were cheering him on.
That must have been hard. He was your friend. And Satoru's ... ward?
( A vague question, because he isn't quite sure of the answer himself. He's been aware enough to know that Gojo was looking after two children, but nothing more. )
Well... Gojo-sensei died and Kashimo tried to fight Sukuna, but he couldn't do it, so Higuruma-san and I tried our plan. Higuruma-san has a cursed technique that can take away cursed energy, so we thought if we used that on Sukuna and found him guilty of a crime it might make him weaker, but it didn't work.
[ Yuji tilts his head up, looking... Pained. Morose. ]
I think... Maybe Higuruma-san died too? I was too slow with the executioner's blade. Then Okkotsu-senpai showed up, and I don't remember anything after that. I came back here.
The thing about a fight like that, Itadori-kun, is that there are too many variables to account for. Things change. Your opponent will choose something differently than what you've anticipated. You could keep yourself up forever, agonising over what you might have done, but it still could have ended the same way. At least there's still a chance to succeed. You know what not to do.
( He can't imagine what it must be like. What if LILITH had brought him a little earlier? What if they'd decided to leave his ending ambiguous instead of a full-stop? He thinks it would have driven him mad by now if that was the case. )
( He's silent, his footsteps even but his expression troubled. He doesn't blame Itadori for asking that particular question, he would have done it himself had he been in the same position. Satoru feels infallible. He's still struggling with the idea he will not be. )
There has to be a way, Itadori-kun. It's just a matter of finding it. And I know it feels impossible, but everything has a way. Perhaps LILITH could give you a way. You've done enough for them.
Gojo-sensei was the strongest sorcerer. He was so confident that he'd be able to beat Sukuna, so convinced that it would be possible. Losing him was a blow, not just emotionally but in a huge, irreplaceable way. For Yuji to try and take over after him...
It feels impossible. ]
I'll do whatever it takes. That's a promise, Geto-san.
RACHEL I AM SO SORRY FOR THAT ATTROCIOUS LAST REPLY WHY DID I REPEAT 'A WAY' SO MANY TIMES
I know you will. And I know you'll come back once you're done. Itadori-kun, I believe in you.
( He wonders if that means anything for the boy. Maybe, but maybe not. Geto isn't exactly of the same mettle as the others in his life. He's trying though, he wants to be supportive, that could be enough. )
Thank you for talking to me about it. I wasn't ever angry at you for keeping it a secret. I do understand how complicated things like that can be. I'm not even really angry with Satoru.
( He's just sad. He hasn't had to deal with that emotion without covering it up in violence in such a long time, he doesn't exactly remember the steps to it now. )
Yeah... It's hard to stay mad at Gojo-sensei either way, isn't it?
[ Yuji sighs softly. The confidence in him is appreciated, but at the same time... He feels a little uncomfortable at the idea of him being the one to do it. What if he fails?
( His jaw tightens, breath leaving him in a heavy sigh. ) I understand that feeling very well, Itadori-kun. Some nights I don't sleep for thoughts of what could have been. It happens more here, now that I know where we all end up. I wonder if I could have made a difference had I stayed. If I'd spoken to Satoru before it became too much, if I'd sought someone out, if I hadn't let it all drag me down. What if I'd made a different call? Would I have been there to fight with him?
( The crux, that he doesn't regret his actions, but he does feel the loss of opportunity they took from him. )
I wanted to make things better, when I was your age. I wanted it so badly that it blinded me. But the same could be said for thinking those what ifs, mm? That could lead me down a wrong path just as easily. You too. It's all right to think them, but don't let it eat you up. The world we come from is a cruel one. You are trying your best. And it was good enough to have me reconsider things, wasn't it? ( A small smile, a strange attempt at humour. ) You've suffered losses, but you're still good. That's something.
[ The idea that Yuji might have been able to do something to help change Geto's perspective, to get him to think differently about the world, makes him feel soemthing he can't quite name inside himself. Instead, he blinks up at him, his eyes wide.
It's too much. He feels so, so painfully touched so, of course, the only thing he can do is turn around and throw his arms around Geto, squeezing him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Yuji sighs. Is it worth it, if he's the only one left?
He's not sure. ]
Do you want to ask about it?
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I thought not knowing things would be better. What can I do now? I can't change any of it. I'm dead, what has the rest of it to do with me? ( His tone is even, careful. He's not laying any of the blame at Itadori's feet. It's mostly an explanation. ) But it finds me eventually, doesn't it? And knowing I have no place in it doesn't make it hurt any less. Because I should have a place in it.
( He should have been there. He should have stayed. Not because his feelings have changed, but because he had friends. He had loved ones. He has done nothing to protect him. )
I don't know what I would ask, Itadori-kun.
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[ Yuji closes his eyes, forcing himself to breathe in and out before he manages to find some kind of strength inside himself, to push the pieces together. He hadn't been able to do anything to protect the people he loves, and that kills him. ]
I can describe it to you. The fight.
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All right. Will it help to keep walking while you do?
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[ Yuji finishes his soda, downing it quickly before he finds a bin to throw it into, sighing softly. ]
Do you know about the prison realm stuff?
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( Maybe at all, or maybe to Geto specifically. He's unsure of that. )
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[ Yuji worries his lower lip. ]
By that point I'd messed up and lost Sukuna.
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It sounds like you were fighting hard, Itadori-kun. And no one expects Satoru to be taken off the battleground. You were left wrongfooted. What happened after that?
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[ Glancing up at Geto, he looks suddenly shy - or is it sheepish? ]
Two death anniversaries would be confusing. So we had about a month to train.
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I'm going to kick him.
( Bitter, and maybe exasperated, definitely a little helpless though. ) He should have taken more time, more care, he knew what he was leaving behind.
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He's never felt that before, obviously, orphan as he is, but he thinks this might be how it felt. ]
Maybe. But we were strong enough, so... We trained. And Okkotsu-senpai went to fight Kenjaku and Gojo-sensei went to fight Sukuna. [ A breath. ] In Megumi's body. Not mine.
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Fushiguro Megumi?
( He'd met the boy once, though both Itadori and Gojo have mentioned him. That makes Geto even more disquiet somehow. How many times will there be bodies his friend cared for used against him? He raised the boy, didn't he? He might act callous, but he knows he isn't.
... Was that how Kenjaku caught him too? Could it have been something other than rage that stilled Gojo? No. )
Did you see the fight?
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[ He feels - stupid, every time he thinks about it. It makes him miserable, no matter how much other people have forgiven him, even though Megumi himself has forgiven him. It makes him want to rip his own hair out. ]
We all watched it. I think Gojo-sensei liked it, knowing we were cheering him on.
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( A vague question, because he isn't quite sure of the answer himself. He's been aware enough to know that Gojo was looking after two children, but nothing more. )
Did it affect the fight?
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[ Yuji sighs softly, rubbing the back of his head. ]
It was a really good fight, though. Domains, vows, so much cursed energy - it was hard to follow sometimes since it was so fast.
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( Pointed, maybe. But any mention of Fushiguro Toji has something go prickly inside of him, so. )
I used to like watching him too. When he cared enough to be attentive. But he still didn't win. How did that go?
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[ Yuji tilts his head up, looking... Pained. Morose. ]
I think... Maybe Higuruma-san died too? I was too slow with the executioner's blade. Then Okkotsu-senpai showed up, and I don't remember anything after that. I came back here.
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( He can't imagine what it must be like. What if LILITH had brought him a little earlier? What if they'd decided to leave his ending ambiguous instead of a full-stop? He thinks it would have driven him mad by now if that was the case. )
It cannot last forever. You will see it through.
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[ Yuji swallows, chewing the inside of his cheek absently. ]
How are we meant to do it when Gojo-sensei couldn't?
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There has to be a way, Itadori-kun. It's just a matter of finding it. And I know it feels impossible, but everything has a way. Perhaps LILITH could give you a way. You've done enough for them.
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Gojo-sensei was the strongest sorcerer. He was so confident that he'd be able to beat Sukuna, so convinced that it would be possible. Losing him was a blow, not just emotionally but in a huge, irreplaceable way. For Yuji to try and take over after him...
It feels impossible. ]
I'll do whatever it takes. That's a promise, Geto-san.
RACHEL I AM SO SORRY FOR THAT ATTROCIOUS LAST REPLY WHY DID I REPEAT 'A WAY' SO MANY TIMES
( He wonders if that means anything for the boy. Maybe, but maybe not. Geto isn't exactly of the same mettle as the others in his life. He's trying though, he wants to be supportive, that could be enough. )
Thank you for talking to me about it. I wasn't ever angry at you for keeping it a secret. I do understand how complicated things like that can be. I'm not even really angry with Satoru.
( He's just sad. He hasn't had to deal with that emotion without covering it up in violence in such a long time, he doesn't exactly remember the steps to it now. )
DOES IT HELP THAT I DIDNT NOTICE
[ Yuji sighs softly. The confidence in him is appreciated, but at the same time... He feels a little uncomfortable at the idea of him being the one to do it. What if he fails?
What if he dies too?
It's a hard weight to carry. ]
I'm... I wish it was different.
MAYBE
( His jaw tightens, breath leaving him in a heavy sigh. ) I understand that feeling very well, Itadori-kun. Some nights I don't sleep for thoughts of what could have been. It happens more here, now that I know where we all end up. I wonder if I could have made a difference had I stayed. If I'd spoken to Satoru before it became too much, if I'd sought someone out, if I hadn't let it all drag me down. What if I'd made a different call? Would I have been there to fight with him?
( The crux, that he doesn't regret his actions, but he does feel the loss of opportunity they took from him. )
I wanted to make things better, when I was your age. I wanted it so badly that it blinded me. But the same could be said for thinking those what ifs, mm? That could lead me down a wrong path just as easily. You too. It's all right to think them, but don't let it eat you up. The world we come from is a cruel one. You are trying your best. And it was good enough to have me reconsider things, wasn't it? ( A small smile, a strange attempt at humour. ) You've suffered losses, but you're still good. That's something.
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[ The idea that Yuji might have been able to do something to help change Geto's perspective, to get him to think differently about the world, makes him feel soemthing he can't quite name inside himself. Instead, he blinks up at him, his eyes wide.
It's too much. He feels so, so painfully touched so, of course, the only thing he can do is turn around and throw his arms around Geto, squeezing him. ]
Thank you.
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